A Belfast counsellor has encouraged those living with the pain of a lost loved one to make sure they are looking after themselves this Christmas.
Stuart Kirk works with the mental health charity Lighthouse in Belfast and part of that work involves helping those who have lost someone dear to them.
He spoke to Belfast Live and shared his tips on how to get through what can be, for many, a tricky time of year.
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His advice was to reframe how you approach grief and to see it as moving through a process, not moving on.
A new relationship and managing expectations
Stuart's first bit of advice was hot to look at the process of grieving and the components of that journey.
"There's a couple of purposes for grief and really there are four parts to dealing with it," he said.
"Accept the reality of the loss, experience the pain of loss, adjust to a new environment without the lost person and reinvest in a new reality.
"That can be difficult because depending on how stitched into your life the person was there can be constant reminders.
"But part of the investment in a new reality is also having a new relationship with the person that died - not in a supernatural way but an emotional way."
He continued: "The other side of grief, people don't move on, they move through, is having a new relationship with the person that died.
"Asking them how would they want me to be spending Christmas, what would they want for me.
"I think sometimes that helps develop that new relationship, getting a bit of communication going.
"Would they want me to cancel Christmas, would they want me to do this, would they want me to do that versus what would I like to do?
"But if it's going to be particularly difficult for people, I think it is ok to cancel Christmas, to change the expectations of it."
"The expectation is that it's this fantastic time of year, like a Christmas advert, that's not achievable," Stuart added.
"But if you change the expectation to 'well I'll have a family dinner, or I'll spend some time with other people'.
"That's achievable and it's not overloaded and it might make it a bit more approachable for people."
Moving through, not moving on
Stuart also said he believed that there are better ways to look at dealing with grief, rather than the phrase "moving on" and all the imagery that brings to mind.
"It's a tough one because when you say to people 'moving on', the connotation is that they are moving on past their loved one and that whenever the pain lessens, it means that they're losing their loved one and that's not what it means," he said.
"I would never use the term 'moving on' because it's too loaded.
"You're moving through a process, the other side of which allows you to have a new, emotional relationship with the person that died and adjusting to a new reality.
"You're going to be living with a scar, but you will be living with it, as opposed to the pain dictating your life."
He said: "This is not a permanent state to be in - it's a journey with a beginning, a middle and an outcome.
"An outcome, not an end - that outcome is a new relationship with the person who has died, a sense of acceptance, peace and an ability to live life with pain."
Share that you're grieving
Stuart added that it was important not to bottle up grief and to re-examine how you look at telling people you're grieving.
"Let other people know that you're grieving if you're around them - don't grieve in silence," he said.
"If you had a bad back you'd let people know that you had a bad back, it's the same with emotional pain.
"I guess when someone's in emotional pain they may not want to be around other people, but again it's a balancing act, with not isolating yourself.
"Healthy distraction techniques, mindful breathing, being around other people, managing alcohol and drugs, daily self-care, keeping yourself in a routine, that's your platform for grief.
"That's all important, you wouldn't go on a journey unprepared so those are your tools really."
Don't delay grieving
He explained that it was important to understand that the body is already hardwired to guide you through grief and it's about trusting that process.
"Most people spend time trying to avoid grief because it's painful and human beings avoid pain.
"You can get away with that sometimes but with grief it's not something you can avoid and I suppose the trick is, trying to be able to experience the pain of grief without becoming lost in it.
"It's being able to develop ways of being able to cope with it," he continued.
"How human beings cope with physical pain and emotional pain are radically different, but the concept is exactly the same.
"With physical pain, we look to anesthetise ourselves from it.
"You can do that with emotional pain, people use alcohol and drugs to anesthetise themselves from it, but I just say to people just watch, if you're drinking or using to manage emotional pain, a red light should be coming on.
"It's a process that can't be rushed but it's also a process that can't be stalled - your body knows how to do this automatically so go with it."
Listen to your needs
Christmas can be a particularly hard time of the year for those experiencing grief and said that it's important to listen to what you need for yourself.
Stuart said: "I suppose any anniversary or special time can reactivate the pain so it's normal that it's going to maybe become more heightened around Christmas, the New Year, birthdays or special events, so it's about expecting that, but not over-focussing on it.
"I think a lot of people spend more time dreading it than when it actually comes, to experience it.
"And that's the trick, to stay present, to experience the pain of loss without becoming lost in it yourself.
"There's a lot that you can to support yourself grieving, like managing drugs and alcohol."
"Letting other people know you're grieving and giving others and yourself permission to speak about the person who has died.
"Listen to what you need, if you need to be with or away from people, give yourself that, if you want a good cry, give yourself that.
"Experiencing the pain of grief is the mechanism through which people heal, but you don't want to experience it so much that it becomes paralysing and destabilising," he explained.
"For me, listening to people who are grieving, it's being able to find that balance between holding grief and life.
"It may always be there, but it's the extent to which it may present in life.
"You're going to be living with a scar, but you will be living with it, as opposed to the pain dictating your life."
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