Ava, 36
Intimacy gives me the ability to remind myself I am loved and needed, in the face of this constant string of stress
Lucas and I met at work four years ago. He came in to do some contract work and by the next year we were dating.
Most of the time sex for us is just an opportunity to be close to each other. We both have kids from previous relationships, but his are all over 18 and don’t live with us. My elder son has severe autism, is non-verbal and has to be watched constantly. So I have to juggle all these things – housework, work – while taking care of him.
Lucas and I can get so bogged down with the day-to-day that we lose focus on each other. It does affect our sex life, so we prioritise ourselves and our relationship on Fridays. It may sound sad, having to book in time with the person you share a home with, but that’s the only way we can do it.
We had more sex at the beginning than now. There’s a level of excitement with a new partner that fades as your relationship grows, but that doesn’t take away from the intimacy of it. We might have sex twice a week, but that’s bunched into the weekend.
I’m not someone who can orgasm on a whim – and I hadn’t figured out what I needed until I met Lucas. It took me a while to realise what I liked and not feel ashamed about asking for it – like more time with foreplay. That’s another reason why we don’t always have sex during the week, as I know that I need extra time and we just don’t have that on weekdays.
For the most part, our sex is pretty standard, like missionary, or I might be on top. But we don’t want it to become stale. So we’ve bought toys which I use for clitoral stimulation, and an Adventure Challenge pack, which are scratchcards giving ideas on new positions and challenges to try, like trying five different sex positions in 20 minutes without climaxing.
That intimacy gives me the ability to remind myself that I am loved and I am needed, in the face of this constant string of stress. When we have sex, even if it’s just a quickie, it’s a reminder that it’s OK for me to have these personal moments with somebody I love. It really helps improve my mood.
Callout
Lucas, 44
Having sex can be a vent for stress, which is why I can get angsty if we haven’t done it in a while
Ava and I typically devote Friday nights to each other. Our biggest challenge is exhaustion and our mental state, of feeling beaten down. Often, we just want to go to bed.
Putting aside time really helps because we both look forward to it, and tend to be affectionate in the days leading up to it. Over four years together, we’ve maintained a healthy level of romance – it just might be a nice kiss while we’re cooking dinner.
Our sex is really good when we get time, but it’s not as often as I’d like. I have multiple jobs and often work nights, while Ava works from home while caring for her son during the day. He has to take medication, and when it’s the right balance he’s very sweet and happy and social. But he has a lot of needs and that can be very taxing, especially for Ava. Being mentally exhausted is not conducive to looking forward to having fun together. By the time the weekend rolls around, I feel a little frustrated and a little disconnected.
We both masturbate during the week, but we never mention it to each other. Sometimes I come home and find her vibrator next to the bed. It means she’s taken a break during the day, which is nice to know.
We try different things to keep the intimacy, like sex toys – there’s one she really likes that uses pulses of air to stimulate her clitoris. It takes Ava a while to climax, so when we have more time I focus on giving her oral sex; she’ll orgasm at least once, then we move on to intercourse.
Having sex can be a vent for stress, which is why I can get angsty if we haven’t done it in a while. But remaining patient through those times, knowing that it isn’t for ever, has got us through. Sex is an important part of our relationship, but it’s not the only part.
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