Ben, 58
I can control my orgasms and separate them from the physical ejaculation
When Lena and I first met, 11 years ago, I was still married, but felt lost and a bit alone in that relationship. Lena and I knew almost immediately we were supposed to be together.
I’ve always been interested in spirituality and meditation. I’ve done Buddhism, tai chi, breath work – and I’m sexual and sensual. I want to meditate in a cave, but I also love women. A therapist called me a horny monk.
Lena was also looking for a deep connection and, like me, she had been exploring tantra. I used self-pleasure, exploring the idea that ejaculation and orgasm are separate. I did that for many years, and reached a point where I can control my orgasms and separate them from the physical ejaculation. I noticed that, as I got older, I would feel physically tired and wiped after ejaculating, so I wanted to try preserving my energy.
I can go three months without ejaculating. I use breath work, as you would with yoga or meditation, and contract the muscles around the perineum (as if you want to stop your pee flow), and suck the energy up the back of the spine. The sexual energy wants to come out when you’re close to orgasm, but I’ve learned how to circulate it using my breath.
So when Lena and I have sex, it’s sensuous and about the touch and the movement.
We don’t really do tantric rituals and we don’t follow teachings in particular – we just focus on the experience. The idea is to feel present together, so we never make love last thing at night; it’s often at lunchtime. We work from home, so during our lunch hour we come together. We’ll do yoga twice a week, one day of weight training, and on Fridays we do a sort of sexy dance where we’ll pick different music and dance together.
All these activities end up in lovemaking. With yoga, we’ll practise for 20 minutes and then cuddle, and then make love for 20 minutes until the alarm goes off and it’s back to work. We don’t always have penetrative sex; it can be just lying together naked. I love the touch of Lena’s skin and being close to her body.
Lena, 58
Instead of focusing on thoughts or breathing, you use your lover as the object of focus
When Ben and I met, I had kind of given up on meeting someone. I wasn’t willing to compromise. But I felt like we were twin souls – we’re alike in our understanding of meditation and spiritual views on life. I’d dreamed of having a tantric relationship so I was super happy that Ben shared this.
For us, the basic principle is that tantra is a very easy way of meditating. Many people who are passionate and enjoy sex get those benefits without even knowing tantra. Many people love sex because it’s the only place they get out of their own head. And that’s really what tantra is. Instead of focusing on thoughts or breathing, you use your lover as the object of focus.
I was lucky when I met Ben, because he knew how to avoid ejaculating. That was difficult for me to understand – how is it possible for him to have an orgasm that feels good without ejaculating? But then I understood and, wow, it means you can be really turned on and have sex in a different way: it’s not goal-oriented. That way sex is more relaxed: you’re more in the moment and enjoy it more. Really, it’s about slowing down.
We didn’t want to let our love life suffer because we’re busy. We both have kids from past relationships, but they are grownup and we can just be with each other. So we have routines at lunchtime, and I’m often surprised how quickly we can connect and have really good sex. We put a timer on, which helps us relax as we know that will tell us when to end. We start at about 12.15pm, shower afterwards, and are usually back at work by 1.30pm.
Going through menopause has affected my libido at times. I’m a health coach, so I’ve found herbs to regulate those hormones, but it was challenging for us. I physically didn’t feel like having sex. But we stayed close, being together and cuddling.
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