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Louise Thomas
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The car was all packed up; Ivana and her two children were belted in and ready to start the seven hour-long drive from Edinburgh to London, where they would be visiting on holiday. They were already running 45 minutes late, but they also couldn’t leave yet. One important thing was missing: Ivana’s husband. “He was inside, frying an egg,” she sighs. “He’d decided it would be a good time to have some breakfast.” Later, when he had finished his meal and returned to the car, he shrugged his shoulders and said to his family, “What’s the rush?”
Being chronically late is an affliction almost all of us will be familiar with. Whether it’s a partner, a best mate, or possibly even – whisper it – ourselves, we’ve all at one point or another been burdened by it. It can affect every facet of our daily lives: parties, meetings, dinners, gigs, flights, and so on. There is no limit to the number of plans a chronically late person can screw up for you. Sometimes catastrophically. And yet, there’s often nothing you can do about it. Being late is, after all, hardly the most egregious of crimes. Not when you compare it to standing someone up, for example, or cancelling last minute. But it’s irritating, particularly when it happens so often.
“I had a close friend who was always late, sometimes by 15 minutes, but often by over an hour,” says Mike*, 62, in Florida. “Over time, the lateness became more than just a minor annoyance: it felt like a sign of disrespect. We’d plan to meet for dinner, and I’d end up sitting alone, watching everyone around me enjoying their meals while I waited.” The last straw was when the pair had planned a surprise party for a mutual friend. “My chronically late friend showed up as the surprise was happening, completely missing the point of the whole event.”
Lateness is a strangely understudied phenomenon. According to a YouGov survey from 2012, one in 10 Britons admitted to being frequently late. Meanwhile, 28 per cent said their partner is usually late. There are no clear reasons behind chronic lateness. But the one that gets bandied around the most is usually self-involvement. “They were late because they thought their time was more important than mine,” is a common refrain among people with chronically late friends and partners. As is: “They’re always late because they’re so obsessed with themselves they couldn’t possibly consider how their timekeeping affects others.” In short, late people tend to get pretty bad press – and it’s not hard to see why it ruptures relationships.
“It can be perceived as a lack of respect or consideration from the family member or friend,” explains psychotherapist Kamalyn Kaur. “Trust in the relationship can also be eroded as it can make a person seem less reliable and dependable if they are always late. In some cases, the lateness can also make people feel undervalued, neglected or not as important, which can lead to arguments, misunderstandings, or even distance in the relationship.”
Most of the time, though, this is not the case. “I always think things will take less time than they do,” one chronically late friend tells me. “I just think I can get more done in a day. Then inevitably I can’t and I wind up being super late to everything, which is just as frustrating for me as it is for my friends.” As obvious as it might seem, poor timekeeping is a big, albeit frustratingly inane, reason for chronic lateness. “Time perception issues can also be the case for some individuals who are neurodivergent,” adds Kaur. “These people may find it hard to judge how long a task, travel time, and getting ready is going to take.”
It can create feelings of shame, inadequacy, guilt, or frustration when you’re always late to things. It makes you feel that you have let people down even though that might not be the case— Kamalyn Kaur, psychotherapist
Of course, there are instances where people do think their time is more important than other people’s. “I think sometimes we can be in phases of life where maybe there’s a particular hobby or a particular work, mission or project that is taking precedence over everything else in our lives,” explains Sami Wunder, a relationship coach. “There could be cases where somebody is chronically late because they are prioritising that [thing] over and above everything else.”
Occasionally, there are valid reasons for lateness that can be difficult for others to understand. “I am often late to things because of my Crohn’s,” says Sarah*, 51, in Hertfordshire. “It makes life very difficult as anxiety can make your stomach do erratic things. So, going to meetings, especially to meet people for the first time, makes me very anxious. But I don’t tell many people about my illness, so they mostly just think I’m late for no reason other than poor organisation.”
Perhaps more sympathy is needed for the chronically late among us, particularly because most of us want to be on time. “It can create feelings of shame, inadequacy, guilt, or frustration when you’re always late to things,” adds Kaur. “The individual might feel incapable of managing their time or meeting expectations, which can affect their overall self-esteem. It makes you feel that you have let people down even though that might not be the case.”
In some cases, someone else’s lateness – and how it affects us – can tell us a lot about ourselves. After a while, Mike realised that his friend’s lateness affected him so viscerally because it reminded him of his childhood. “My mother used to arrive late to collect me from everything,” he recalls. “This was a time before mobile phones so I’d just wait and wait for her. With some perspective, I understood that I was punishing my friends in the present for things I was really angry at my mother for much more than them.”
Ivana has also learnt to grapple with her husband’s consistent lateness, seeing it as an invitation for her to slow down. “Only recently did I realise that he’s not going to change and if I stress out about him being late, it’s only going to make things worse,” she adds. “So I tried to see it from his perspective. It’s not easy but I’m getting there. I’m always two steps ahead and that’s not good either. So his slowness is helping me to slow down when I need to. This is how I’m trying to see it so I don’t go crazy.”
As for the chronically late themselves, rectifying those habits will often depend on the reason for their lateness. “Improving chronic lateness involves practical steps and self-compassion,” says Dr Elena Touroni, a consultant psychologist and co-founder of The Chelsea Psychology Clinic. “Start by using tools like planners and reminders to better manage your time. Breaking tasks into smaller, more manageable parts can also help avoid feeling overwhelmed.”
If the reasons for your lateness are related to deeper issues, such as ADHD or anxiety, seeking support from a therapist or counsellor can be very helpful. “Cognitive-behavioural techniques might assist in adjusting your time perceptions and habits,” adds Dr Touroni. “Remember, making gradual changes can lead to significant improvements over time.”
And those changes could be anything. It could mean seeking professional support from a therapist, or simply learning how to better map out your time by planning ahead. If all else fails, though, you could always just buy a watch.
* names have been changed
