I’d been engaged four times and was married, but I’d never been in love. As Covid hit and I turned 40, I decided I could no longer live that way. I left my husband the day after my birthday.
I learned at a young age how to protect my heart by building walls around me. When it came to romance I just went through the motions. I was basically numb; the strongest emotion I felt when it came to intimacy was fear.
I dated myself and stayed single – I was feeling great. But in November 2022 I started writing a book and by December I was in therapy. The writing process was unexpectedly triggering. I was convinced I would stay single forever, but after months of weekly sessions, my therapist convinced me to open my heart and I gave love another chance.
The resulting experiment was a four-month-long tour de force of dating in one’s 40s – I was ghosted by a friend of nine years after two dates, had a man ask me to remove my jacket so he could assess my arms and went on my first-ever blind date (arranged by my local coffee shop). Battle-weary and depressed, I extricated myself from a “situationship” and was more resolute than ever that my emotional suit of amour was essential to my wellbeing. I wanted to focus on my business and networking, nothing more.
By August my book was in presales. I shared the news on LinkedIn and received an enthusiastic message from a colleague, Rob. He’d bought copies for our whole team and wanted to take me to dinner to “celebrate me”.
I was pretty sure he was in a relationship and that he thought I was too. I considered the dinner networking.
We were halfway through our meal (some of which I was wearing on my white shirt) before we realised we were both single. The vibe changed instantly. When the waitress asked if we were on a date, Rob replied: “We can be, if she wants to be.” I kept hearing my therapist’s advice: “Drop out of your head and into your heart.”
We kissed at the table and ended up back at his hotel room.
Intimacy was often a dark place for me internally, but for once I was tuning into my heart’s desires and those negative voices were silenced. That night I experienced a trust and connection like I never had before. And while Rob is a really special man, this wasn’t about trusting him, it was about choosing to trust myself. Something inside me just cracked wide open.
From that moment on everyone from my family to my barista commented on the joy I was radiating. I felt like I’d taken off a mask.
Rob and I have been dating for nearly six months and while that night at the hotel wasn’t the moment I knew I was in love, it was the moment I knew I could be. Not just with someone else, but with myself.
I still have my moments and old habits die hard. The night my book was launched I was a ball of emotions. My first instinct was to shut things down with Rob. Love is scary when you’ve never been in it before; I felt like I was so high on the experience that an excruciating fall was inevitable. I wanted to run away but Rob was steadfast.
In that moment of panic and apprehension Rob reassured me: “You can run, but run to me, don’t run from me.” His calm confidence and even temperament gave – and continues to give – me the space to sit through my own discomfort and let someone in.
I feel like this is it, what love actually is. For now we’re still living in different cities, but I’ve never felt closer to anyone, or myself.
Olivia Carr’s business book Self Made is available now through Wiley.
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