Had I read the findings of a new survey about people’s reluctance to give compliments before last week, I might have despaired of my fellow humans. One in five of us, apparently, fear bestowing compliments, particularly concerning a person’s looks, dress sense or work achievements.
What have we come to that we are scared to brighten someone else’s day with our admiration? But, like I said, that was before. As in, before the other day when I had the unedifying experience of having a compliment to a stranger backfire on me.
Standing in the queue at Pret, I complimented the woman in front of me on the beautiful colour of her dress. She appeared nonplussed. “It’s what I would call Mediterranean blue,” I babbled, feeling awkward at the lack of response. “Makes me think of lovely summer holidays in Greece.”
Something, possibly her silence, prompted me to properly look at her. She was not smiling. Quite the opposite. Worse, I became aware that other members of the long queue were eavesdropping. “Well, that would be lovely wouldn’t it, to be able to afford to go on holiday, but I can’t,” she said. I felt terrible about invoking what was clearly a sore spot and was relieved when she got her latte and moved on.
Clearly, compliments don’t always land the way we intend them to. Can I be the only person who feels a bit miffed even at a well-meaning comment such as, ”Oh, you look smart today”. So, you think I normally dress like a hobo? Most treacherous of all are compliments about perceived weight loss. “A woman at my gym is always commenting on my weight and asking me if I’m doing the time-restricted eating plan,” says a friend. “It feels invasive, like I’m being scrutinised. Is she going to mention it if I put on weight next month?”
Then, of course, there are the exchanges that strain the outer limits of ambiguity. “Your hair looks lovely,” a neighbour said to me one day. I was pleased, as I’d just had it coloured. “You can see all the white strands shimmering in the sunlight.” With compliments like that, who needs insults?
Anita Chaudhuri is a freelance journalist
