A woman whose poor mental health resulted in a double suicide attempt in her early teens is now aiming to win the Miss Wales contest this year.
Lilly Miles, 18, from Chepstow in Wales, is celebrating after learning she is a finalist and in with a shot at winning the beauty contest in May.
But the glitzy catwalk event will be far from the terrifying life she lived between the ages of 13 and 14.
Lilly suffers from anxiety, depression and OCD, and it was so severe in her early teenage years that she tried to take her own life twice.
Rather than dwelling on the past, Lilly is determined to use her experiences to her advantage, and sees the Miss Wales competition as the perfect opportunity to do so, Wales Online reports.
Speaking from her family home in Monmouthshire, she said: "It will help in a way, the anxiety.
“With anxiety you’re always telling yourself the worst will happen, so there’s often a nice surprise when that doesn’t turn out to be the case.”
She says she is celebrating the small victory after learning she made the finals.
Recalling her darker days, she said: “I remember being in year six and feeling something I’d never felt before. I didn’t know how to deal with it.
"I was told by a nurse at the time that I had nothing to worry about and that I had a lovely life with a lovely family, but that isn’t what I needed to hear. I needed help.
“Life looked good on the surface, but all the way through school I had undiagnosed dyslexia and I had difficulties expressing my emotions. It would have helped me a lot if those negative feelings were caught earlier in my life."
She said she was 13 when she first attempted suicide.
Lilly added: "We are not taught in school how to deal with these emotions.
"I think if I’d had a lesson a week where we were taught about mental health and self harm I’d have been better for it.
"Both times I was hospitalised after attempting suicide I ended up in the Gwent [Royal Gwent Hospital in Newport] on both occasions. It’s very scary to feel that alone at that age.
“From a young age we all now have access to too much information on social media and online generally about suicide. The thought grew and grew inside me until it was an unbearable thought and I felt I had to act on it.
“What therapy has taught me is that I am a master of my own thoughts, not the other way around. I now see those negative thoughts as clouds that can pass. They never tend to linger too long if I see them as that.”
She’s now in the best place she’s ever been, but she would stop short of saying her mental health has improved considerably.
“I wouldn’t say that,” she explained. “But I’ve been able to develop coping strategies. I put my thoughts in boxes in my head where I can then decide whether to pay attention to them or not. Life is up and down and so is mental health, there is nothing linear about it. What I need to do is make sure I recognise the tools to deal with it.”
Lockdown was met with uncertainty around her GCSEs - a prerequisite to get onto her drama course at Bristol’s Institute of Performing Arts, but she took on the challenge of the pandemic with an air of calmness, befitting of someone many years her senior.
“With the OCD type I have I can often believe I am at fault for bad things happening that in reality might have nothing to do with me,” she said. “People think OCD is just about cleaning but it is a really crippling illness. I felt so isolated with my thoughts in lockdown that it often tipped to anxiety. In February, 2021, I went on antidepressants and I was on them for a few months, and they definitely helped.
“I’ve been doing a lot of colouring and baking recently too. A lot of things spoken about in therapy are day to day things we don’t often appreciate but which really make a difference.”
She’s now determined to focus on the positives, and said there had been lots of them throughout the pandemic.
“Lockdown has been a really beneficial time for focusing on myself, and doing things I might not have had the chance to do otherwise.
“When we went into lockdown I was about to do my GCSEs and I was really panicking and in tears. But I’ve ended up spending a lot of time with my sister. We have done things like Just Dance like we used to, and gone on lots of walks. It’s been really nice. It’s helped me prepare for acting. In a weird way, having such horrible experiences in your life helps with acting too, and I hope it helps with Miss Wales.”
But there’ll be no acting at Miss Wales. Lily said she felt she was ready to help others through the competition by being her true self.
“That’s why I’ve decided to do it,” she said. “I want to raise awareness of mental health issues. I want to show younger girls that you are valid as you are and you don’t need to change for anyone.”
The final will include a three-day event including an empowerment day designed to boost the confidence of contestants, the Miss Wales Charity Ball in aid of Beauty With A Purpose, and a catwalk event in front of an audience and panel of judges.
You can see Lilly's fundraiser for Miss Wales charity Beauty With A Purpose here.
“I’m really excited for the empowerment day in particular, but also the friendship aspect of it all,” Lilly added. “I’ve already organised a holiday with three of the girls. I never got to have a prom at school because of the pandemic, so it will be really exciting to dress up for the competition. I’m just having a great time with it.”
Recalling the day she was “utterly gobsmacked” by the news she had made it to the finals, she said: “I was out shopping with my boyfriend and was just checking my emails when I saw it. I was in shock, definitely. I thought about my family, my boyfriend and my best friend straight away because they have been my biggest supporters through my struggles.
“It’s given me a platform to hopefully do something amazing in raising awareness of mental health, and I’m determined to use it for that.”
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