Whether it’s selfish colleagues hogging the office air con, or offspring whacking up the heating in their parents’ homes, there are few things more likely to spark animosity across UK homes and workplaces than a good old “thermo-spat”. And it happens at university too, as Komal Ahmad discovered during her first winter studying at the University of Hull.
Ahmad hails from Karachi, Pakistan, a city on the Arabian Sea where temperatures regularly nudge 40C. Yorkshire’s Kingston upon Hull, on the other hand, is a port city with bracing North Sea winds. Unsurprisingly, Ahmad struggled to adapt to the chilly climate. Despite this, one housemate would turn down the central heating, leaving her shivering.
“Coming from a warmer country, my heating requirements were different to those of my housemates,” says the 26-year-old postgraduate advertising/marketing student. “We had a slight dispute because I didn’t know who was turning the heating down, making me feel cold and uncomfortable.”
Ahmad left a polite note explaining she was still acclimatising to the British weather. The solution? Her household decided to heat the house only on days when it was super-freezing or when Ahmad worked from home. It proved to be a win-win all-round: not only did the housemates save money on bills, but it was a greener solution too.
Thermo-spats, hair in the plughole, Nicki Minaj blasting out at 5am: whenever a gathering of random students share a house or university halls of residence, perhaps it’s no surprise that tiffs erupt. However, taking time to get to know your new housemates, or the students along your corridor, and what’s important to them – as well as explaining what matters to you – is the way forward for a harmonious life. Communal spaces such as kitchens can give rise to particularly acrimonious bust-ups. So find out if your housemates have any particular requests – for example, Ahmad, who is Muslim, asked her fellow students if they could avoid using her pans when cooking pork.
A recent survey of 20- to 40-year-old renters by co-living brand Ark, found a main bugbear of housemates was cleaning up after others. Eco-ignorant housemates can also provoke annoyance, so discover what days your bins are collected, and familiarise yourself with what goes into each one. “I’ve had housemates who’d put all the rubbish into one bin, rather than recycling it,” says Izzy Russell, 21, a student living officer at the University of Bristol students’ union. Again, understanding housemates’ backgrounds could help in finding a solution. “In Bristol, food waste goes into brown boxes and recycling goes into blue bags, which is different in other cities or countries,” says Russell. “Letting others know this on a group WhatsApp chat meant everybody eventually got the hang of it.”
Being curious is the best way to pre-empt bust-ups, says Charlie Irvine, course leader at the University of Strathclyde’s master’s course in mediation and conflict resolution. “[When something arises], never assume, just ask, talk, be curious and surprised.”
Russell recommends being open about any mental health or neurobehavioural issues you might have. She has attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), which has resulted in situations where “object impermanence means I’ve sometimes forgotten what food I’ve bought; if a housemate leaves food on my shelf in the fridge, I might eat it.” Being transparent can help your housemates understand why you do certain things. “If you don’t feel like doing the washing-up because you feel down, telling people is much better in the long run.”
No matter how considerate a housemate you are, chances are that disputes can still happen. The worst thing you can do is bury your head in the sand and hope the fracas will die a natural death. “As a mediator, we often find the avoidance of conflict or where people sweep things under the carpet is the biggest ingredient to a massive problem blowing up,” says Irvine. “It’s far better to bring things out in the open.”
However, when raising your grievance, don’t ambush people, he adds. “It’s better to broach the dispute by saying: ‘Look, we have a problem, can we go somewhere and talk about it?’ It slows things down and gives people more time to think and reflect.”
If a minor dispute shows signs of erupting into a rage-fuelled feud, take some time out. Try placing a 24-hour pause before responding, suggests Irvine. “Most arguments arouse emotions, such as anger or fear. When people start seeing red mist, they see the world in a binary way: ‘Is this person for or against me?’ Having a pause allows everybody to calm down and develop an awareness of their emotional state. They’ll soon start thinking: ‘Why am I raging here? What will I say that I might regret later?’”
For mediation, Irvine suggests bringing in an unbiased outsider (ie the “Switzerland” in your friendship group) and staging the summit in an offsite location, such as a local park, cafe or pub.
As for the discussion itself, he recommends you don’t turn up with a long crib sheet of misdemeanours, but try expressing how you feel. “Instead of asking: ‘Why do you always … ?’ or saying: ‘You never tidy up!’, try starting with: ‘This is what’s happened to me; I’m feeling stressed and angry about it.’ It’s a legitimate expression that others will find difficult to argue against.”
Airing grievances on social media is a big no-no as it will only exacerbate the issue. “People will always gossip, but once arguments are in written form such as a tweet or Instagram post, it makes it difficult for them to go away. It can haunt you and others forever,” warns Irvine. If your ding-dong cements into an unhappy stalemate, it could be time to seek intervention such as a student resolution service, wellbeing adviser or community liaison officer.
For those just starting out, and eager to get along smoothly with everyone, the key thing to remember is a willingness to understand your housemates’ cultures, values and backgrounds. Not only will it help you get off on the right foot, it will give you the soul-nourishing, horizon-expanding experience that university life is all about.
For more guidance on the right course for you, check out the Guardian university league tables for 2023. The Guardian league tables for 2024 will be out on 9 September in print and online.
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