I have been with my husband for 10 years and have previously never so much as looked in the direction of another man. We had a regular sex life but when an old school friend got back in touch, we began messaging each other and it quickly turned into sexting. The nudes and explicit, erotic messages I sent were completely out of character for me. We discussed plans to meet up for one night of selfish, illicit fun – free of spouses, children and responsibilities – but when I asked for clarity on where I stood, he said that we shouldn’t message any more. I was heartbroken. Now I don’t want to have sex with my husband because it is not exciting enough. What can I do to get my marriage back on track?
Virtual sex can be risky and painful, and this experience has been very challenging for you. When sexting, it is important to remember that it belongs in the fantasy realm. There is never any guarantee that there will be a “real” aspect, and it is best not to assume that there is any meaningful relationship whatsoever. But your desire to have exciting sex of some kind is understandable. Perhaps you need to let your husband know that. You may have the best results if you present some options. First, imagine and fantasise about what would be thrilling for you to enjoy with your husband, then find a relaxed moment to broach the subject and see if he might be receptive to it, and if there is something special that would turn him on. Our partners are not responsible for our pleasure – we are. We have to create our own erotic universes, whether in private fantasy or in reality. True intimacy, and the opportunity for great eroticism, occurs when both people can share those universes.
Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
If you would like advice from Pamela on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Each week, Pamela chooses one problem to answer, which will be published online. She regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions.
