Louise Thompson has bravely shared about her ongoing PTSD battle after the birth of her first child, saying she's been left too scared to look after her son incase it triggers anxiety.
The Made In Chelsea star, 31, has previously been open about living with post traumatic stress disorder after she almost died while giving birth to baby boy Leo.
But, as Leo turns 15 weeks old, Louise has told about a hellish past month when she was left feeling 'scared, confused, paralysed and totally out of control'
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"Now I have come to terms with the fact that my life might never be the same again, but things honestly can’t get any worse than they’ve been over the past month so hopefully I’m at the beginning of my actual recovery," she shared with her 1.4million followers on her Instagram.
"I thought that living in hospital for a month was the worst time of my life. Wow I was wrong. I had control over my mind then."
She explained: "Something happened about a month ago where my mind and body came crashing down in tandem.
"I guess I had been in self preservation mode/survival mode up until that point. Then the real mental health hell began."
Louise says she wakes up in the night 'moaning and crying because I’m in torture' and she hasn't been able to feel, smell or taste anything because her senses are 'all blocked.'
And sometimes she feels like she has 'electric shocks' in her head
"We now require a lot of help because often I’m too scared to look after little Leo because I’m worried he will remind me of what happened to my body."
Louise, who joined the E4 reality show in 2011, went into more detail about her trauma saying she'd reached a level of rock bottom that she never knew existed.
"I’ve screamed and cried at being asked to put clothes away in my cupboard because my mind won’t let me do it, it won’t allow me a spare second to concentrate on anything but suffering," she typed.
"I’ve not been able to communicate at all with people even on the most basic level.
"I went to a restaurant for lunch with my mum and Ryan and felt so dead in the head I thought I was about to slip into a coma."
Louise added: "I have learnt a lot over the past 1/2 year. I used to watch fires on TV and not relate, now I understand the trauma.
"I used to hear about PTSD after war or abuse, now I understand the trauma. It is not as easy as 'you survived the past, so now you live.'"
Detailing her mental illness Louise says her body and my mind are 'trapped in fight or flight.'
"They think that everything is a threat and that I’m dying all the time," she explained.
And she added: "I am scared of my own existence. I am scared of my past, present and my future."
But Louise says she's starting to see a glimmer of hope and has urged others to 'keep going.'
"I have quite a lot of people, processes and medication to thank for that," she wrote.
"I will share more as I start to feel a bit more compos mentis.
"What I want to remind anyone that is suffering is to KEEP BLOODY GOING. It can and will get better.
"Crisis teams and medication can help. Don't be too proud to ask for HELP."
