What with one thing and another, Boris Johnson has spent more time anxiously looking out for both the police and his own rattled backbenchers in recent weeks than he has for the country. But with the local elections taking place next week, it has suddenly dawned on him that almost everyone is worried about the cost-of-living crisis. So at this week’s cabinet meeting, The Convict was determined to give the subject his undivided attention.
There was just one problem. There was no spare money, no tax cuts even, to help those who were struggling to heat their homes and put food on the table. Which meant that the cabinet was more like a money saving expert away-day, with each minister chipping in with a few tips on how to get the best value for your money. Johnson got the ball rolling. If you were struggling to pay your bills, then you could always get Lord Brownlow to pay them. It had worked a treat for him. Brownlow had stumped up a fortune for the hideous wallpaper and wouldn’t be averse to helping out a few others.
The Convict was on a roll. How about some government adverts reminding people that they got a 50% reduction on their fixed-penalty notices if they were paid within 28 days of being issued? Or better still, just send any fines to the editor of GQ. That had saved him the best part of £4K when he had been the motoring correspondent for the magazine. Not that he had actually bothered to drive any of the cars he had been asked to review. There was another money-saving tip. Cheat your employers whenever possible.
Next up was Rishi Sunak. He appeared understandably reluctant to get involved but soon got into the swing. People could save thousands of pounds a year by choosing to file their tax returns in Mauritius. He had no idea why so many people had been so slow to take advantage of that loophole. And then there were huge savings to be had by combining a home gym and stable block into one building. He owed his architect for that suggestion. Nadhim Zahawi nodded. The heating for his stables was costing a fortune now he could no longer charge them to expenses. Those were the days.
Grant Shapps was desperate not to be left out. First up he proposed to offer a whole load of cheap railway tickets that were not actually valid for any journeys. So no one would actually be spending money on going anywhere. Brilliant. But the Shappster wasn’t done. How about people drove 20 miles to a cheaper garage to save 1p per litre on petrol?
“That’s amazing,” said The Convict. “I can’t believe I didn’t think of that. Why don’t you go on Times Radio and make that idiotic suggestion?” So he did. “Anything from you Prittster?” Priti Patel smirked. She had the ace up her sleeve. The killer line. Anyone who was looking to go on holiday to Rwanda could save themselves the price of the air fare by hanging around on a Kent beach with a rubber dinghy until the police rounded them up.
Johnson was so thrilled by the cabinet brains trust, if you can call it that, trust – the Tories were now nailed on to do well in the elections – that he was unable to turn up in person in the Commons to answer an urgent question from SNP leader, Ian Blackford, on why he hadn’t bothered to update the Commons on his India trip.
Though judging by the heckling and jeering from the opposition benches when they realised that junior Foreign Office minister Vicky Ford had been sent out in Johnson’s place, most had reached the safe conclusion that the real reason The Convict had gone awol for a few days was that he was running scared of parliament. The man who claims to love democracy will do anything to avoid answering to MPs.
“I thought everyone was trying to be a bit nicer to women,” said a rather tetchy Ford. Though she might have done better to direct that observation to the prime minister, whose own cowardice had left her to be hung out to dry. As so often, Johnson was only too happy to let someone junior take the flak for him. Maybe Ford had imagined there would be some thanks, some glory, out of drawing the short straw. That’s not Big Dog’s style. He just uses people and discards them. He’ll find out how few friends he really has when the Tories finally get round to replacing him.
It soon turned out that Ford knew absolutely nothing about India – why should she? Her Foreign Office brief is for Africa – and even less about what the prime minister had done on his trip to Gujarat and New Delhi as she hadn’t been there with him and no one had bothered to brief her. So after MPs had finished goading her for protecting The Convict, they started to ask her detailed questions to which she had no worthwhile answers.
“Um,” she said, trying to conceal her embarrassment. She was sure it must have been a worthwhile trip because otherwise Johnson wouldn’t have gone. How little she knows him. And there must have been some kind of discussion about India’s lukewarm support for Ukraine and Narendra Modi’s persecution of minorities. Even if it was a discussion not to discuss it.
“Britain really cares about human rights abuses,” she repeated sadly. And no one had briefed her how to answer why a trade deal with India would never come close to replacing the trade lost through Brexit. So she didn’t bother. It wasn’t pretty. And it certainly wasn’t clever.
This was Ford’s second punishment beating of the morning. She had also had to take on Rwanda at Foreign Office questions. She was the picture of discomfort as she tried to claim her department wasn’t at all bothered about Rwanda’s record on human rights after all. Everything was just fine. Asylum seekers would be really happy. Even Ford didn’t look as if she believed that. But when your luck’s out, your luck’s out.
