It is one of the few predictable things in this life, but it comes as a shock every time it happens. The year, it seems, is once again almost over. 2023, filed into the annals of history.
It has been an incredibly tumultuous 365 days — the first since 2020 to not be defined by the pandemic, but instead with its fair share of chaotic news stories, unprecedented conflict, and pop culture moments galore.
Heading into 2024, it’s important to take a moment to look back on the good, the bad and the ugly of the past year.
Except this is actually just the bad and the ugly – you can look at the good in your own time.
As we wrap up the year, here is the definitive list of 23 things to leave in 2023, ranked.
23. Influencer boxing matches
In the last few years, what started as a series of largely manufactured feuds between internet creators has exploded into its own, unique genre of sporting entertainment. Unlike some, my gripe with influencer boxing does not come from a desire to protect the sanctity of the sport — I just find it all extremely loud and irritating. Maybe I’m just jealous that languishing semi-celebrities can make millions of pounds by punching each other in the face.
22. Film remakes
The Little Mermaid, The Color Purple, Mean Girls, Wonka, Peter Pan — have we now officially made All The Films so we’re starting from the beginning again? They’re never as good as the original, live action remakes are always a bit creepy (Google Flounder from the 2023 Little Mermaid — nightmare fuel), and it’s just lazy cinema.
21. The girlification of everything
In pop culture terms, 2023 can be summed up in one word — girl. Girl maths, girl dinner, hot girl walk, feral girl, tomato girl, Barbiecore — all have had their time in the sun. Look, I understand the urge to reclaim the virtues of femininity and its nice to feel like part of something, but it has gone too far now. Ultimately it’s infantilising and regressive — are our poor, girl brains too tiny and pink to understand maths? Please.
20. Margiela Tabis
How Margiela convinced anyone to pay eight hundred Great British Pounds for the ugliest shoes known to man is a feat of marketing that will be studied for generations to come. Let them gather dust in 2024. The damage these hooves have done is enough.
19. Getting the ick
There was a time when words meant something. When “the ick” first entered common parlance, it was culture-shifting. It gave voice to something universally experienced — that sudden, irreversible pang of disgust that can ruin a relationship. Now everything — from tying your shoelaces to your Spotify Wrapped — can apparently be an ick. It has become diluted and meaningless, and its now only acceptable usage is by ex-Love Islanders and corporate Instagram accounts.
18. Threads
For a good few hours, it seemed like Mark Zuckerberg’s answer to Twitter/X could actually, finally, kill Musk’s app off. But after a few days, usage levelled off and has continue to decline since. My working theory, as someone who has opened the app precisely once, is that it’s because Threads is almost impressively boring. Yes, X is a toxic, corrosive, democracy-threatening hotbed of misinformation, but it’s that inherent repulsiveness that keeps us so hooked. It’s nothing without the rot.
17. Eras
“Flop era”, “villain era”, “Fleabag era”, “chaotic era” — if these all mean nothing to you: congratulations, you probably have a very healthy screen time. It all started with “flop era”, a concept from stan Twitter to describe an album that didn't meet expectations, but now using the word "era" as a way to define oneself has become a staple of Gen Z internet speak. It was fun for a bit, but it feels like now every action warrants an “era”. You’re not in your “Sofia Coppola era”, you’re just a normal person who needs to hoover their bedroom. And that’s okay.
16. Bed bugs
The little critters saw a gap in the pandemic market this year and took their shot. Can’t blame them — look at Covid19 what it did for coronavirus’s profile. While there is something quite biblical-chic and plague-of-locusts about it all, getting bed bugs does sound like one of the single worst things that can happen to a person aside from death, so I’d appreciate if they could all scuttle back to Paris now.
15. Prince Harry and Meghan Markle
From hearing about Prince Harry’s frostbitten penis, to furore over the naming of the “racist royals” prompted by their pal Omid Scobie’s latest bombshell biography Endgame, it has been another headline-grabbing year for the estranged royal couple. I have always felt compelled to defend them, since it is true that much of the vitriol directed at them is wildly disproportionate and probably verging on bullying. But then Harry released Spare. We all have to draw the line somewhere.
14. Low rise jeans
Especially in combination with ballet flats. Honestly, all Y2K fashion — it didn’t work then and it doesn’t work now.
13. A certain female popstar I can’t name for fear of losing my life
You know who I’m talking about.
12. Politicians on reality TV shows
Need I say more? Matt Hancock in the jungle was bad enough, but ITV's attempt to “fun-wash” Nigel Farage to the tune of £1.5 million this year was truly nauseating. Hopefully Farage was sufficiently mind-numbingly boring that the I’m A Celeb executives give up on the despised politician schtick next year.
11. Male podcasters
As much as 2023 was the year of the girl, it was also the year of the online mega-misogynists. Andrew Tate, of course, was the most prevalent, but he also inspired a swathe of copycat “alpha males” spewing bile to impressionable teenage boys. New law for 2024: men should need some kind of license before purchasing a microphone.
10. Soho House
All private members’ clubs are pretty icky, but if you’re going to pay £90 a month so you don’t have to be around poor people, at least pick somewhere with a bit of je ne sais quoi.
9. Giving polyamorous people so much attention
We get it. You all share the same bed and no one understands you and it’s not your entire personality, you promise! Speaking as someone who has eschewed monogamy myself, it is actually possible to do it without telling every single person you know.
8. Small plate restaurants
You can usually spot them by the dim candlelit interiors, menus in a stylised messy handwriting font, exposed brick walls and two month waiting lists for a table. You probably looked at the menu beforehand and thought the prices looked suspiciously reasonable — £9, in this economy? And then come the dreaded words: “we recommend three to four plates each”. Yeah, I bet you do.
7. Hackney
Speaking of small plates. To be clear, I’m not advocating wiping the borough off the map or it seceding into some kind of Independent People’s Republic. Apart from the complete lack of public transport options, it’s a fun place to go and makes for a reliably decent night out. It’s the people I can’t stand. Hipsters drunk off their own self-importance think they define London, despite the fact that the borough’s rampant gentrification embodies everything that’s wrong with the capital and half of them are from the Home Counties anyway. And enough of the creeping Hackney-ification of everything — I’ve barely been able to get a seat at my local pub since the Hackney crowd discovered it. Having said that, if you see me at Colour Factory this weekend, mind your own business.
6. The war on refugees
The Rwanda plan, “Stop the boats”, the horrendous Bibby Stockholm barge — the Government had one item on the agenda in 2023, and it was to demonise refugees in the most humiliating ways possible. It’s cruel, desperate and all completely unworkable.
5. The Paddington to Reading section of the Elizabeth Line
As an Ealing native, I will not rest until whoever is responsible for inflicting this nightmare on to the good people of west London is brought to justice. If you’re lucky enough that the trains happen to be running beyond Paddington, which itself is a rare occurrence, expect to factor in at least 15 minutes sitting somewhere in the liminal space between Acton Mainline and Ealing Broadway. Or maybe five hours, while your fellow commuters have to relieve themselves on the tracks. Think of all the people who moved to Maidenhead, or, God forbid, Reading for this. It is the worst TfL endeavour in history and we are being collectively gaslit into believing it’s been a success.
4. Everything to do with AI
This one may be slightly optimistic, since AI is now deeply baked into the fabric of society, but I would very much like to stop hearing so much about it. If the robots are going to steal my job, my only request is that they do it quietly.
3. Elon Musk
Barely a day has gone by this year without Musk’s smug face being in the headlines for some bizarre reason or another. Whether it’s his exploits on X, threatening Mark Zuckerberg to a cage fight or accusations of antisemitism — the man is not going to stop talking in 2024, so it is on us to simply stop listening.
2. Ozempic
This year has seen Hollywood and the style elite in the chokehold of Ozempic, a diabetes drug being used for rapid weight loss, and ushered in a new era of toxic skinny. Welcome to the post-food era, apparently. Forgive me for being naïve, but weren’t we meant to have moved past all of this? Even though the body positivity movement of the 2010s was far from a revolutionary rejection of confining beauty standards (I’m looking at you, Brazilian butt-lifts), surely we can all agree that the days of 30 grams of Special K instead of meals, and “nothing tastes as good as skinny feels” a la Kate Moss, were Not Good?
1. Vaping
It’s dangerous, terrible for the environment and, frankly, makes you look like a loser. Sorry, but if insist on poisoning yourself from the inside out, grow up and smoke a real cigarette.
