How do you apply the most overlooked leadership superpower to parenting?
My last 3 chiefs of staff recently had their first babies and they all asked me the same question: “What should I do to be a great parent,” Since they consider me a “professional” based on having raised three children successfully to adulthood and now perfecting those skills with our seven-year-old twins. I told them it’s simple. It just follows the same leadership rules of building a company.
Three Points
My advice boiled down to three points:
- The stuff is not written in a book. When in doubt, trust your gut.
- If you still don’t know what to do, just tell people you appreciate them. In the kids case, just hug them.
- And third, always talk about your failures.
The last one is counterintuitive. So let me illustrate the point with a story about the biggest day in my oldest son’s life. (up to that point)
Game Over
I’ll never forget when 18-year-old Steve was pitching the biggest baseball game of his life in his senior year of high school. He was the relief pitcher, walking into a tied game in the 9th inning of the regional playoffs. If his team won, they were on their way to the state championship. This was his chance to shine—until it wasn’t. The opposing pitcher stepped up to bat, and promptly swatted a game-ending grand slam.
I watched my son walk quietly off the field, shoulders slumped, with the weight of the world crashing down on him, as the other team rushed the field in celebration to bear hug their hero.
What to Say?
I couldn’t have been prouder of my son. Heck, he was on the mound! Getting bloodied in the ring. As a dad, I was grateful that I got to be there to witness one of the most defining moments in my young son’s life. Of course, I wanted to do something to lift his spirits, but on the way to the car, I just had no idea what to say.
I thought of when my oldest daughter lost a close election for student council. She felt so dejected, she was just lying on her bed. Not knowing what to say, I told her my own story about running for president of my high school class: “I didn’t even get a single vote,” I told her, “because even I voted for someone else.” That got her to giggle and, just like that, her entire energy shifted. She was ready to get back in the saddle and try again.
Then, I also remembered flipping on the TV one day to watch Fareed Zakaria interviewing Sara Blakely, the founder of Spanx. As one of the few self-made female billionaires in the world, Sara was asked about the keys to her success. Sara, who embodies the ideals of humility and personal authenticity, shared how when she was growing up, her father started a tradition. At every Sunday supper, everyone in the family went around the table and shared their biggest failure of the week. Sara said, the only way to fail, was not to have a failure and a story to share. This taught her the power of courage, risk-taking, and of never giving up. It also took all the pressure off her and empowered her to pursue her dreams without the fear of having to be perfect.
Pressure’s Off
That’s when I knew what to say to my son. I shared an unforgettable story with him about my own chance to pitch a big game in high school. “I gave up nine straight hits to the first nine batters.” My coach finally walked out to the mound shaking his head in disbelief and stuck out his hand. As I dropped the ball in his hand, he told me, “Hit the showers. And when you’re done, go sit in the stands. You’re bad luck.” Not yet ready to laugh, my son at least looked up and managed a half smile. I knew a bit of my superpower broke through his pain. The sadness was still real, but the pressure of disappointing his dad was off him. He didn’t have to worry about being perfect.
Bedrock of building a team
I’ve written before about my former colleague, Pete Planchock the Preacher Pitchman, who taught me that many great leaders possess a counterintuitive superpower. Rather than striving to be the smartest person in the room, or the one with the fewest flaws, the very best leaders embrace a different philosophy: they don’t try to look too good or talk too smart. They lead with humility and authenticity.
I’ve taken to calling this approach to leadership Planchock’s Law of Authenticity because it was Pete who taught me that the more vulnerable you are with the people around you, the more you’re able to build trust—which is the bedrock of leading a company.
Parenting Superpower
After all, who would you rather follow: someone who pretends to be perfect (when you know they’re not), or someone who has made the same kinds of mistakes you have—and learned to overcome them.
That’s also why Planchock’s Law of Authenticity is a crucial superpower when it comes to parenting.
When you don’t look too good or talk too smart with your kids, you take the pressure off. You help them build their self-esteem and teach them not to fear taking risks and pushing themselves beyond what they might perceive as their limits.
Your kids, just like the people you work with, don’t want to be rescued. They want to be coached. They want to be motivated to succeed, especially when they still have the sour taste of failure on their tongues. And the best way to do that as a parent is not to instill a fear of failure in them. Rather, it’s to coach them that while they will inevitably fall down at some point—it’s what you do when you get back up that counts.
In business, I’ve learned you’ve got to let go of your fear of making mistakes. In fact, the only really fatal mistake you can make is not to try and fail from time to time.
