My long-distance partner of nearly 10 years is moving in with me in the next few months. For most of this time it is what I thought I wanted, but the closer it gets, the more trepidation I have. I used to put up with behaviours from people that I didn’t really like, but kept relationships going for fear of what would happen if I ended them. I’m not that person any more.
I left my husband of 25 years a decade ago and have dropped many friends who I feel no longer give me what I need, who I was “people pleasing” – doing what they wanted to my detriment. I love my partner very much. He is a good, kind, caring man who adores me. But I’m so scared that suddenly I’ll “go off” him like I have other people and that I’ll be stuck living with someone I don’t want to be around. I know I sound dismissive of people. But I have cultivated my own space, my own understanding of my needs and wants. I eventually went off my husband. I don’t want to go off my partner too. How can I be at peace and not be scared of him moving in? It would be positive in so many ways.
Eleanor says: Suddenly “going off” someone for reasons you don’t understand is different from realising somebody is taking more from you than you want to give and deciding to sever the relationship on those grounds. Which is it you’re concerned about?
On the one hand, you could think your “going off” people is a reliable judgment – a realisation the relationship isn’t right. If so, then there’s no reason to fear it. If it happens, that’s because it’s the correct judgment: the relationship isn’t right, and better to know that than not.
On the other hand, you might be concerned your feeling of “going off” someone isn’t fact-tracking; more like an emotional switch that, once thrown, you can’t turn back, for reasons that don’t totally make sense.
If I’m hearing you right it’s this second thing you’re concerned about: how can I make sure I don’t snap off this man in a way that I don’t think he deserves. (Because if he deserved it, there’d be no reason to fear the reaction).
You say you have a history of people pleasing. Sometimes that can make us feel porous with others and lead to an all-or-nothing approach: because we feel duty-bound to change and bend for even quite small relationships, we end up thinking that only isolation will let us sustain a stable self. Small “lettings-in” can quickly feel like the same old “being consumed”.
If that’s any part of the fear, it might be helpful to promise yourself that you’ll work hard to tell the difference between being consumed and feeling like you ought to let yourself be. That is, to tell the difference between him expecting you to hand over your space and you somehow expecting that of yourself. Only one of those has a solution out in the world (“I have to get away from this person”). The other has a solution inside us (“I have to give myself permission to take the space I am allowed”).
Keeping track of specific incidents can help to know the difference between “this person is invading me” and “I feel invaded”. If you ever do feel like you’re “going off” him, try not to let that feeling stay as an amorphous cloud of ick. Ask what specific moment did it. Whatever felt bad about that moment, where was it – in his action, in your dynamic, or in you?
It might also help to establish spaces and times that are just yours, early on. Routine solo time outside, spontaneously doing something alone without it feeling like a big deal, some exercise or hobby space that’s just for you. That way it won’t feel like a noteworthy retreat if you want space later on.
Moving in together will be a big change. It will for sure feel weird at first. You can’t let people closer to you without having less solitude – that’s just the mathematics of company. The trick is to make sure your relationships give you ample permission not to sacrifice yourself for the sake of someone else. Since you’re in the relationship too, that includes your expectations for yourself.
*This question has been edited for length
