A year ago I lost my beautiful daughter, 21, to suicide. It was totally unexpected, and from the outside she appeared to be a normal, kind and happy young woman. We knew she had some anxieties about life and direction, but we never dreamed it was causing her so much pain. She did it while I was in the house, and I discovered her. I tried but could not save her.
I struggle to control my grief. I would join her in an instant, but I need to be here to support my wife and my family, who are equally in pain. I wake regularly with nightmares of that day. My mood is generally OK, but I know I put on an act in front of people to get through the day, and I go to work to distract myself. I sometimes want to scream at people to tell them what I’m feeling, but I can’t. If I didn’t remain calm and try to act normal, I would simply break down and cry and, I think, preferably die.
I’m told regularly to go and see someone, and I’ve spoken to my GP, but I can’t imagine what speaking with someone like a specialist can possibly do. It’s not getting any easier after a year.
I’m seeking advice because I can’t face talking about it with anyone.
I am so sorry to hear about your daughter’s death. I could feel the pain and anguish in your letter.
I went to consultant psychiatrist in psychotherapy Dr Jo Stubley from the Tavistock and Portman NHS Trust to discuss it. She felt it was interesting that you were repeating what your daughter did by “letting everyone think everything is OK on the outside and not letting them know how awful you feel on the inside”.
Stubley said: “Sometimes, when you lose someone, it’s too unbearable to let them go, and so you take them inside of you. But what you’re also holding on to is the suicidal part of your daughter, and that may be stopping you from really being able to grieve.”
Stubley and I discussed how allowing yourself to grieve may feel as if you’re letting your daughter go. This is not uncommon. “To grieve her may seem like letting her go all over again, and that feels like such a terrible thing to do, so it seems better to stay in a state of frozen grief.”
In your longer letter, it also seemed you were carrying a lot of guilt – that you had been in the house, that you didn’t know, that you couldn’t save her. “The terrible thing about guilt when someone dies by suicide,” says Stubley, “is that there are those unfinished conversations and you think that if you could have just finished them, you could maybe have done something to stop the person.”
When an emotion is so big it threatens to engulf us, it’s tempting to try not to process it at all. But as you’re seeing, that’s impossible to do without harming ourselves and those around us. Men can find it harder to express feelings of vulnerability, as if it’s a shameful thing to cry or be sad. I wonder what you’re afraid will happen if you do scream and tell people how you feel. Maybe it would help them help you?
You may not feel like talking now, but that may change. Stubley thought you might consider listening to others who have been through what you’re going through. It’s important to know you can not only survive this but live through it and flourish without that being a betrayal.
“Maybe you need to read about it [support and advice] before you hear about it from others,” she said, and after that you might be ready to talk to your wife and others.
You may find it helpful to listen to Difficult Conversations Around Suicide, the podcast I did with Stubley.
Dr Stubley suggested looking at online support such as Sobs – Survivors of Bereavement by Suicide, Calm (Campaign Against Living Miserably) and Cruse, and also looking up what local bereavement groups there are for you. She also recommended the great free booklet Help is at Hand, in which 8,000 people were asked what was useful and helpful after a loved one took their own life: “So much of what you’re struggling with, other people are struggling with too, and they might suggest things you haven’t thought of.”
Grief and loss are enormous emotions to process – and a year is no time at all. “Suicide-bereaved people are more at risk of suicide themselves,” said Stubley, “and their support networks are one of the most protective factors.”
Please take a small step today to get help.
• In the UK and Ireland, Samaritans can be contacted on freephone 116 123, or email jo@samaritans.org or jo@samaritans.ie. In the US, you can call or text the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline on 988, chat on 988lifeline.org, or text HOME to 741741 to connect with a crisis counsellor. In Australia, the crisis support service Lifeline is 13 11 14. Other international helplines can be found at befrienders.org
• Every week, Annalisa Barbieri addresses a personal problem sent in by a reader. If you would like advice from Annalisa, please send your problem to ask.annalisa@theguardian.com. Annalisa regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions.
• The latest series of Annalisa’s podcast is available here.
