Jimmy Kimmel
Jimmy Kimmel celebrated the official end, at least by US government standards, of the Covid-19 pandemic after Joe Biden signed a congressional resolution ending the national emergency on Monday.
“I learned a lot during the pandemic,” Kimmel noted, reflecting on the bygone era. “I learned that the people who are most resistant to the government telling them what to do also happen to be the people who most need the government to tell them what to do. And ironically are the same people who are most supportive of the government telling other people what to do.
“But it wasn’t all bad,” he continued. “There were some positives. People helped each other. We found out who in our communities cared about others. And perhaps most importantly, we now have enough toilet paper to last the rest of our lives.”
Kimmel then launched into a facetious in memoriam montage for Covid trends past, including sourdough bread-making, social distancing, seeing news anchors’ homes, Cuomo-sexuality, drive-by birthdays and Zoom audiences, among others.
“The state of emergency might be over, but Covid is still out there,” he noted. “At this point, it’s kinda like a crazy ex. Like you deleted her number, but you still have to worry you might run into her at a bar one night.”
Kimmel then returned to his usual punching bag: Donald Trump, who appeared on Tucker Carlson’s Fox News show this week to claim that the courthouse was full of tears during his arraignment in Manhattan last week. “They were actually laughing” Kimmel corrected. “Sometimes that looks like crying. Sometimes if you laugh hard enough it turns into crying, but it starts as laughing.
“Can you imagine, this man thinks people were crying because he got in trouble for golf course-humping a porn star?” he added. “It’s mind-boggling, and it never stops.”
Stephen Colbert
On the Late Show, Stephen Colbert tore into a Texas federal judge’s decision to suspend the FDA’s approval of a common abortion pill. “Evidently, this judge thinks he knows more about medication than the FDA,” said Colbert.
The medication, mifepristone, has been on the market for more than 20 years. “You can’t just randomly ban things that have been around for decades just because you don’t like them!” Colbert exclaimed. “You know how I know that? Mel Gibson.”
According to a new poll, 70% of Americans oppose the ban, including 53% of Republicans. “Wait a second! Democrats and Republicans agree on something?” said Colbert. “That feels weird. It’s like one of those unlikely animal friendships, where you see a deer and a lion. It’s kinda neat but it feels unnatural because you know one of them gonna get snacky.”
More than 400 leaders of the pharmaceutical industry also condemned the decision with a letter, which pointed out that mifepristone is “safer than Tylenol, nearly all antibiotics and insulin”.
“So it seems like there wasn’t much about protecting public health in this ruling,” Colbert noted. “We ingest way worse stuff than medication. Have you tried fried Oreos? They are schedule 1 controlled delicious.”
The open letter also warned about the seemingly arbitrary logic behind the judge’s decision: “If courts can overturn drug approvals without regard for science or evidence … any medicine is at risk for the same outcome.”
“And if there’s one thing big pharma doesn’t like, it’s you taking away their ability to sell you drugs,” said Colbert. “Try it, and they will bring the hurt. And then they will prescribe oxy for the hurt. Side-effects include them making a lot of money.”
