Some you win, some you lose, but from time to time even though technically you win, actually you lose. Sometimes winning is not really winning at all.
Take Boris Johnson, who’s said he’s pleased with the “convincing and decisive” result of his no confidence vote, despite 41% of his own MPs going against him, just after he was booed by royal fans – traditionally Tory supporters – at the Jubilee events he attended.
All the usual Johnson sycophants are being as sycophantic as usual, and ignoring the 148 elephants in the room. Theresa May had 117 elephants in 2018, which Johnson fanboy Jacob Rees Mogg decreed at the time was “a very bad result…. much worse than it looks.”
Now he’s hastily rewriting history, announcing that this was “a good result for the Prime Minister, he won comfortably”.
Presumably a reworking of the entire numerical system will follow, so that henceforth 117 becomes more than 148.
After the votes were counted, some commentators said that if Johnson was a man of honour he would now go, too. As Petronella Wyatt, with whom Johnson cheated on his former wife, tweeted: “Interestingly, political memoirs all say that John Major had decided to resign if he got less than two thirds of the vote. Mrs May had fewer scruples, and Boris has never heard of the word.”
Meanwhile, almost simultaneously to these happenings in the world of showbiz for ugly people, a victory tour was taking place in the world of showbiz for pretty people.
Johnny Depp has been celebrating winning his libel case against Amber Heard by appearing onstage with Jeff Beck, posing for a photo op hugging a badger, spending an alleged “easily five figures” on a party at a curry house and joining TikTok, where he instantly gained 2.5 million followers.
Depp did indeed emerge the victor in this most recent trial, but the televised court case revealed a plethora of revolting details about their incredibly toxic relationship. He was revealed to have headbutted her in one of their many physical tussles; text messages where he fantasised about killing her were read out.
“Let’s drown her before we burn her!!” he wrote, “I will f*** her burnt corpse afterwards to make sure she’s dead.”
His drug and alcohol issues were widely publicised - Depp blamed most of his terrible behaviour on his inability to control himself when under the influence.
Yet he toasted the verdict at The Bridge Tavern in Newcastle, where according to the assistant manager, he washed down his meal with a bottle of Newcastle Brown Ale before downing a pint of Guinness. Hardly the behaviour of a man repentant for his part in the tragic mess.
In turn, the social media vitriol against Amber Heard is staggering. “He could have killed you. He had every right” is written over pictures of Heard’s bruised face on one TikTok post, which has almost 250,000 likes.
Opinion seems to have veered from all women should be heard, to – because of Heard – no women should be.
She was proved to have exaggerated or out-and-out lied about the assaults, depending on your viewpoint.
This means it’s fine to headbutt her, apparently. She deserved everything she got. Case closed.
Both Johnson and Depp have enjoyed, at best, hollow victories, neither of which feel like anything to celebrate. With wins like this, really everyone loses.
We still have a dishonest disaster in charge of our country and women’s rights take a massive step back, yet again. Congrats, all.
