Alyssa Harper felt like she was drowning, desperately gasping for air. Grasping for a light to guide her forward. And for a purpose to keep living.
It was all too much for the 18-year-old Army brat.
The merciless bullying and ridicule at school for her sexual identity and the crime of always being the new girl, the one without a clique of close friends. And at home she said her safe space and personal refuge had become a nightmare, coping with a verbally abusive father suffering the demons of post-traumatic stress disorder.
In Harper's mind she was broken beyond repair. The only relief from the never-ending darkness, she thought, would come after swallowing a bottle of painkillers.
"You are under the water trying to breathe and you know that you can swim but you just physically can't," said Harper, who now lives in Ronkonkoma, N.Y. "And that's how I explain how my depression affects me. I know I can swim. I know I can be happy. I know I can be successful. But something about it ... I just can't some days."
After four suicide attempts, Harper finally reached out for help from the Unified Behavioral Health Center for Military Veterans and Their Families in Bay Shore. The first-of-its-kind program, run by Northwell Health and the Northport Veterans Affairs Medical Center, provides coordinated treatment for military personnel and their families.
The college-bound Connetquot High School senior is opening up about the trauma endured not only by battle-scarred veterans but by their families as well.
THE NEW KID
Born in Tecumseh, Mich., Harper moved around frequently as a child: Oklahoma, North Carolina, and Germany. By 2012, Harper was finally settling into small town life in Raeford, North Carolina, near Fort Bragg, but her father, an Army artillery specialist who had recently returned from a deployment in Afghanistan, was given another order to ship out _ this time to New York.
Harper arrived in Centereach as an eighth grader and never seemed to find her footing. She said she was bullied for her looks, upbringing and even her interest in art. And it only got worse, she said, when, while in middle school, she came out as pansexual _ an attraction to people regardless of their gender or sexual identity.
"I have always been the kid that was too skinny or too fat or too tall or too short," Harper explained. "When I came out as pansexual I was thrown into lockers and trash cans and was told I was going to burn by other students."
Harper transferred to Connetquot High School _ her 13th school _ during her junior year but, she says, the bullying only got worse through the anonymity of social media. Calls from blocked numbers questioning why she was attending the school. Anonymous online posters urging Harper to kill herself.
"Whether it be the bullying, on top of the pressure from my father, and being the perpetual new kid wherever I go, it builds up where it gets to a point that just the smallest thing can knock your whole world loose and make you feel like you are plummeting," Harper said. "And those are the points that I felt like I just didn't want to be there."
In a statement, the Connetquot Central School District said it does not comment on matters involving students due to privacy. "However, it is important to note that bullying of any kind is not tolerated in the Connetquot Central School District. Our district takes strong proactive steps to ensure the safety and security of all students."
PAIN AT HOME
Meanwhile, life was increasingly chaotic at home. Her father, suffering the early signs of PTSD, was becoming progressively more irritable, Harper said. The fights would get worse; the words more cutting. Eventually her parents decided to separate.
The scars of her father's military service had begun to spread.
"You hear the screams. You see the pure fear on somebody's face when they are going through some kind of episode," Harper said. "And it's terrifying, especially with that being your role model; your parent who you expect to be the strong person for you. It's not easy seeing your person falling apart like that. And you wonder if you are doing something wrong that's causing them to fall apart."
Mayer Bellehsen, director of Unified Behavioral Health Center, said the separations, relocations and transitioning back to civilian life can put deep strains on military families, often creating symptoms for spouses and children that mimic those of PTSD.
"These kinds of conditions don't just stay with the person who served, but ripple across the families," he said, "leading to situations where children, spouses, partners ... can feel more anxious, more depressed and more on edge."
By 2015 Harper was deep in the throes of depression and didn't want to go on. She swallowed a handful of pills and slept 20 hours. The teen would attempt suicide twice more in 2017 and again in 2018, each time vomiting the pills at the last moment.
"I didn't know a life where I felt cared for," she said at Northwell Health in New Hyde Park. "I didn't know a life where I felt understood or valued. I wanted to end that life. It had taken everything from me."
FINDING HOPE
By February 2018, Harper knew something had to change. She didn't want to die but couldn't go on living through the pain and desperation that had become her reality.
"I started to not trust myself to keep myself alive," Harper explained. "It got to the point where I could not do anything without help. I called my mother down to my room and said I don't know if I will be awake in the morning if I don't have some sort of help."
Harper would spend three days at Mather Hospital in Port Jefferson and nine days at South Oaks Hospital in Amityville before transferring to outpatient care at the Unified Behavioral Health Center for her depression.
The center, a public-private partnership founded in 2012, fills a void, officials said, as the Northport VA cannot routinely provide mental health care to the spouses and children of service members. To date, Bellehsen said, the center has treated 900 veterans and their families.
With about 150,000 current or former service members, Long Island is home to the nation's 10th largest veterans population, according to the VA.
"When service members serve, they don't serve alone," Bellehsen said. "The families serve as well. And it's critical that we think about treating and supporting ... the entire family holistically and together in order to really enhance the resilience of veterans and their families."
Harper, who lives with her mother, says she now feels stronger and more confident than at any point in her life. She's also making progress toward reconciling with father, who is still on active duty in Washington state and receiving treatment for his PTSD, Harper said.
And major milestones await. High school prom is June 25 with graduation the following day. Harper will attend Arizona State University in the fall, where she intends to pursue a career in social work or criminal profiling.
Harper says she no longer feels as if she's drowning. She sees a bright future for herself. And wants others facing similar challenges to know there is light that can emerge from the darkness.
Her message: "Just breathe. It can be done. It will be done ... If you are still here there's a reason you are here. There's a reason you are still alive. There's a reason you should keep fighting. And I just want to help people find that reason."
