When Signalman Paul Walker won a running race back in his army days, fellow soldiers told him he must be "good at running from the cops" and suggested he "pretended there was a carton or goon bag" at the finish line.
It was a culture of racism the Waanyi descendent on Wednesday told the Royal Commission into Defence and Veteran Suicide he faced from peers and senior leaders from the very first days of his training.
"It was hard, and it was disheartening, because this is me," Mr Walker said.
But almost 20 years since he was medically discharged, Mr Walker said the worst impacts on him grew from a culture that dismissed mental health issues and left him isolated from his peers.
He told the commission the experience tore his life apart and left him with chronic PTSD and a major depressive disorder.
Mr Walker enlisted in 1996, after attending seven different high schools and working through several jobs as a labourer.
Despite the racism, he enjoyed the "camaraderie" of his training and felt like he was "getting his life together".
"It was tough love for the most part," he said.
The challenges started while on deployment in East Timor, when he was caught up in a "hostile incident" that left a fellow soldier wounded.
Mr Walker could not stop replaying what happened in his head, but senior officers dismissed his struggles as attention-seeking, telling him "it was nothing".
"It was a life-threatening incident and it was just completely shut down," he said.
When he returned from deployment, Mr Walker said his concerns "fell on deaf ears" and as his sleepless nights worsened he was removed from his fellow soldiers.
After finally seeing a psychiatrist, Mr Walker was discharged and told he was permanently unfit to work.
"It's ruined my life in a lot of ways," Mr Walker said.
Discharged soldiers left to 'fight' for department's support
After he was discharged, Mr Walker said there was little supported offered by the department and he struggled to hold down another job.
"I thought about suicide a lot, I'm not the confident young fella I used to be," he said.
"If it wasn't for my wife and children I probably wouldn't be here."
Mental health practitioners have told the commission the time a defence member is discharged and transitioning back to civilian life is one of the most crucial moments to support their mental health.
"I can't think of a time that is more vulnerable than that," Darwin-based psychiatrist Doctor Mary Frost told the commission this week.
Many soldiers and mental health workers have told the commission the complex and bureaucratic Department of Veterans' Affairs (DVA) support system leaves many recently discharged members frustrated and at risk of worsening mental health issues.
"I'm sure the commission has heard, DVA have not been particularly adept at providing that care in a timely manner," Dr Frost said.
"Leaving for, in my case, people with significant psychiatric illness whose agency, whose drive, whose motivation is compromised by psychiatric illness, having to fight."
The commission's fortnight of public hearings in Darwin will finish tomorrow.
