In my continued quest for self-optimisation via silly wellness stuff, I was intrigued by a Vogue article on a new morning routine: 30/30/30. That’s 30g of protein within 30 minutes of waking, then 30 minutes of “low-intensity” cardio. Apparently, it has “gained serious traction on social media”.
Why not try it out? Well, for a start – and in fairness, Vogue mentioned this – it was devised by Gary Brecka, a “biohacker” (sigh) and Make America Healthy Again (Maha) enthusiast, who recently called Robert F Kennedy Jr “a true force of nature”. I suppose he is, like a tornado or a plague of locusts.
Another problem became evident when I searched TikTok for more information and found that 30/30/30 mostly appears in one of its grimmest cesspits: weight-loss-Tok. I’m 50 and this disingenuous nonsense makes me feel insecure; it’s far worse for the teenagers it targets (the Disney+ documentary Social Studies is absolutely chilling on this). Besides, I don’t want to lose weight – have you seen what’s going on out there? This is no time to shed precious fat reserves!
However, by this point, I was committed – if ideologically opposed – to the thing, so I tried it out on Friday morning. I instantly discovered the biggest problem with this regime: 30g of protein is an absurd amount – two‑thirds of the recommended daily intake for the average woman. It may be manageable for a Maha tradwife with her own supply of unvaccinated beef, but for me it meant more seeds than any human can feasibly ingest.
Thankfully (well, I say thankfully), I unearthed some expired vegan protein powder from my sons’ protein-bro era and combined it with chia seeds to make an offensively thick fake-vanilla slurry. It took me the full 30 minutes to choke it down; my husband breakfasted, read, showered and returned to find me still retching and moaning: “Why is it so sweet?!” The 30-minute walk was fine, but my day and digestion were ruined – and my spirit broken.
Sadder, wiser and comprehensively nauseated, I’m back to my usual, deeply unsatisfactory 40/90/10 routine: 40 minutes of horizontal denial, 90 minutes of doomscrolling, then saying: “Right!” loudly 10 times until I shame myself into the shower. The pursuit of self-optimisation continues.
• Emma Beddington is a Guardian columnist
