"I won't be able to eat all of that", gasped my gran as her roast dinner was placed down in front of her. Eyes wide and fidgeting in her seat, she tentatively took her fork to the slices of turkey to check there were no more bits of stuffing sneakily hidden underneath.
Famous last words. We have this debate nearly every time we sit down for a meal, but more often that not she wolfs it down - a passer-by might think she's never had a hot meal in her life.
Of course she has, she's nearing 95 and growing up it was her roast dinners I most looked forward to. She doesn't cook as much anymore, but I remember her chicken roasts fondly. Delicately covered in thick gravy made from stock and packed with roast potatoes and Yorkshire puddings, she's always known how to please a crowd - so her opinion is essential.
Read more: 'I tried the Christmas dinner unlike any other and didn't miss turkey one bit'
We've been coming to Woodford garden centre - now called Notcutts - since myself and my brother were children, and as we arrive - with my mum in tow - I'm reminded of a time my brother, who can't have been older than three or four at the time, lost his shoe there after visiting Father Christmas. I distinctly recall my grandma, in her thick Cockney accent, saying "oh gawd" to my nervous-looking grandad, as we trawled through tinsel, stockings and baubles to track it down.
We never did, but the memory makes me smile nonetheless, especially since a lot has changed since then. We tried to book in for lunch ahead of time, but were told they only do walk-ins - something that gives me and my mum mild anxiety, given our ultra-organised personalities.
Fortunately, we arrived ahead of the Sunday lunch rush and were seen to a table fairly quickly. It was a little cold - there was definitely a draft, which explains why my gran didn't take her coat off at any point during the meal. Remarkably, no gravy spillages in sight.
We're all in the habit of ordering for my gran these days and, usually, nine times out of ten her drink order is the same - large gin and tonic, easy on the tonic. As it happens, they didn't have gin, and after a bit of back-and-forth, she agreed to a glass of prosecco - one that both my mum and I know she won't actually finish.
Regardless we powered on. There's two menus working in tandem at the moment - a festive menu with the option of two courses for £16.95 and three for £19.95, and the regular lunch menu spanning starters, mains, salads, soups and speciality Christmas sandwiches, where the turkey with all the trimmings will set you back £12.95.
The turkey appears on both menus, so it gives my gran the option of a dessert if she fancies it. Mixing things up, I opted for the speciality sandwich served with roast potatoes and gravy (£8.95). Described as a 'hot festive turkey brioche with stuffing and a pig in blanket', I was optimistic but also a little hesitant - I just hoped there would be some cranberry sauce to liven up the turkey.
My mum was "being good" ahead of the inevitable Christmas gorge that we all indulge in, so went for the smoked haddock fishcake with new potatoes and salad. It was never going to set the world alight, but I was informed the fish was moist, the cake element crispy, and the potatoes perfectly boiled, which is all we can ask for.
Back to the main event. Mine and my grans' Christmas dinners arrived speedily, though we had two opposite reactions - hers was the aforementioned outburst about there being too much and mine was one of concern - would this be enough?
All three of us are worriers, just ask my brother, but as it turned out we needn't have worried - mine was surprisingly filling and my gran's was just right, in fact she hardly came up for air and was eyeing my mum's dessert before she had even finished.
So, what was on this much-talked about plate. Well, all the most valued players - slices of roast turkey, a disc of sausage-meat stuffing, sprouts, roast potatoes, one pig in blanket, parsnips and gravy served on the side. I was a little disappointed there was no red cabbage or a Yorkshire, after all they did say all the trimmings, but you can't win them all and the price is reasonable for what she got.
The perfectly crisp parsnips and stuffing shone through, while the pig in blanket was a close runner-up according to my gran. However, the mound of brussel sprouts still being shifted around the plates towards the end of the meal was telling.
We have to be careful here though, because in her own words, she's "not a big fan" of vegetables full stop, unless they're drowning in butter or sauce - believe me we've all tried to get her to eat more. Her longevity on this planet has bolstered this stance though, and convinced her that the 'five a day' quota is "a load of rubbish".
That said, after tasting the sprouts, I'm sorry to say they just weren't up to scratch. I usually love them, but these were just watery and tasteless, which I know is something people say usually, but it was sad to see as the rest of the dinner was lovely.
As was my turkey brioche, which came with a pig in blanket fixed on top of it with help from a mini cocktail stick, which doubled up as a Union flag - random but useful. Thankfully, my prayers were answered and the bun was layered with cranberry sauce, plus a slab of stuffing and a generous portion of turkey, the latter of which was moist and well seasoned.
While I struggled to finish mine, my gran was well out ahead, barely stopping to finish chewing one bite before she took the next. After scrapping up what's left on her plate, she turned her attention to my mum's dessert - a meringue roulade with winter berries. I must admit, I was full but it did look pretty special.
My gran pointed to it, prompting myself and my mum to confer - could gran see one off? She had outdone herself with the roast, but the post-lunch slump was starting to set in so we offered her a deal - share one or have a coffee.
She's no fool, and no sooner had our dishes been cleared than a plate of meringue goodness was being divided up between us. Embedded with bits of white chocolate, filled with cream and topped with tangy winter berries, this dessert was arguably the best bit of the meal - well for me at least.
The bill followed shortly, and my gran, who has quite the knack for timing, asked my mum to take her to the bathroom, so I settled up. We debated whether to take my gran around to look at the decorations and trees, but this decision was made for us, as my gran had begun to settle into what has to got to be the very best part of Christmas - the post-roast snooze.
Who can blame her though. She came to the garden centre, saw the size of the roast and doubted herself, and, as expected of the family matriarch, conquered the garden centre roast.
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