I am a 25-year-old woman and have never had sex, as I always wanted to wait until marriage. I have had two short-term boyfriends, but the relationships never went further because I wanted to wait. I explained to them that I found them really attractive and liked cuddling and kissing but neither of them was satisfied with that. They became distant. They seemed to think I wasn’t interested in them (which was not the case – I really loved them). I showed my love in every possible way besides sex. I’m sad and frustrated that I can’t meet a guy who will accept me. The response to my wanting to wait is always rejection. Is my behaviour normal? I wish I could meet a kind guy, who loves me no matter if we have sex or not, with no pressure for me to “perform”.
There are many people in the world who have the same values as you do about sex before marriage, but you will have to seek them out in places where you are most likely to find them. If you continue to expect men generally to comply with your wish to wait, you are bound to be disappointed.
As you’ve already discovered, there is a variety of attitudes to the idea of postponing sex until after marriage and some men will certainly misinterpret your standards as personal rejection. Broaden your search for like-minded partners. If your values are based on your religion, beliefs or culture it would be wise to seek men from within those particular groups or circles. And before dating someone, consider starting a conversation in person or online to let them know your thoughts and feelings on the matter.
This will scare some men away, and some might even see it as a challenge, but it will probably save you from problems in the long run. It is important that you define for yourself – and potentially for others – what exactly you mean by sex. Outside marriage, are you willing to engage in all erotic behaviours you might mutually enjoy with a partner except intercourse? It will help if you are clear about this.
Anyone is free to set parameters for their needs and expectations regarding courtship and, no matter what kind of rules or limitations a person has, being frank at the outset will help protect them from misunderstandings and relationship complications further down the line.
Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
If you would like advice from Pamela on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Each week, Pamela chooses one problem to answer, which will be published online. She regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions.
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