My wife and I have been happily married for 47 years. Right after we graduated from college, I wanted to get married and she was reluctant because she thought we were too young. That summer she had a brief relationship with a co-worker at a summer job. For a long time she didn’t talk openly about the extent of their physical contact, but recently, almost 50 years later, she told me they “made out” but never had sex. I always fantasised about them having a more physical relationship, including sex, which arouses me. I would now like to role play about her time with this other guy. What can I do to persuade her to play along?
If role playing is something that you as a couple have enjoyed in the past, you could simply let her know that the notion of her being sexual with her former co-worker arouses you, and suggest it as the theme of your next playtime. But not everyone is comfortable with that erotic style. Role playing involves elements such as maintaining a character in the way actors do, using your imagination to come up with words and actions that fit the scenario, and dressing the part – in an erotic context. It is important that whatever occurs between a couple is fully consensual. If your wife is not accustomed to role playing, be careful to approach it with sensitivity. Never try to coerce her into doing something she finds uncomfortable or distasteful. Role playing can be especially tricky when true personal material is involved. Some people do not feel safe replicating real-life scenarios during role play, either because they feel too exposed, or because the scenes conjure up unpleasant memories, or because they are afraid they might be exposing someone else. Some people even fear that what may be revealed could be held against them later in a non-erotic setting. It would be wise to preface any request for role playing by assuring her that you will not assume whatever she creates in the role play is accurate.
Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
If you would like advice from Pamela on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Each week, Pamela chooses one problem to answer, which will be published online. She regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions.
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