Remember videotapes? Back before broadband internet and streaming services, if you wanted to watch a TV show but couldn’t be there when it was airing, your only option was to pop a tape into your VCR and hit record. And if you didn’t accidentally tape over it,chances are it’s still in the back of a cupboard somewhere.
That’s where I come in.
Over the eight years I’ve been making my web series VHS Revue, I’ve watched around a hundred VHS tapes (and a few Beta ones) – recorded across the country between 1981 and 2011 – in search of the most ridiculous moments from Australian television.
As a rule, the most interesting stuff is not in the programs. It’s in the commercial breaks. And boy, there has been some really strange advertising that has gone to air over the decades.
Bizarre ads. Shocking ads. Ads that make absolutely no sense. Enjoy.
10. Voca fax machines (1989)
Apparently the prime ministerial pension wasn’t enough for Gough Whitlam, so he started a side hustle flogging fax machines. He even sold out his 1972 election tagline: “It’s time. Phone Voca.” I’m amazed I’d never heard of this ad before I found it on a recording of the 1989 British Open. Can you imagine the outrage if a former PM suddenly started appearing in commercials today?
9. Australian Fresh Plus orange juice (2003)
This is without doubt Australia’s most disturbing orange juice commercial. The kids’ discomfort is palpable (or pulpable maybe)? With a father like that, Australian Fresh Plus should be footing the therapy bill.
8. Cleo magazine (1995)
In the early decades of Australian television, there’s absolutely no way you’d see a commercial featuring two ladies strolling along a lineup of naked men, measuring their penises. And I don’t think you could get away with it today either. But for some reason, in the 90s you could do it. It’s also too hot for TikTok. I had to censor the butt cracks to avoid violating their community guidelines.
7. HMV televisions (1981)
There is not enough wood in modern electronics, and this 1981 ad has double the wood with the addition of Gold Logie-winning actor John Wood, who claims his new wood-encased HMV TV is “years ahead” … which is why it’s showing next week’s Lotto numbers. But shouldn’t he be getting next year’s results? And why is he telling people about it? Doesn’t he know more winners will just reduce his own jackpot? And why is he asking to borrow a pen in his own house? None of this makes any sense.
6. Planters nuts (1989)
In this one, a man with a speech impediment and a retractable head enjoys some Planters nuts to the amusement of party onlookers. He may be an alien – it’s not entirely clear – but you’d think if he possessed the technology to get to Earth, he could also learn to say “nuts” instead of “nubs”.
5. General Pants (1984)
I suspect the General Manager of General Pants had just seen Ridley Scott’s famous 1984 Apple Macintosh commercial and said, “That. But not too expensive. And more ‘Midnight Oily’.”
Some hip young people crash your meeting of the boring society with their fancy moves and trendy colours. You might assume they’re for freedom, but listen a little closer: “You gotta say yes! Don’t ever say no! Just go and see The General!” And suddenly it’s starting to sound like some sort of military dictatorship.
4. KFC (1986)
If KFC tried making an ad featuring a character in a confederate uniform today, that “spokes-chicken” would be cancelled before it even made it out of the egg. But I think when it comes to this ad what is even more disturbing is the fact the chicken is eating chicken, which is textbook cannibalism.
Apparently it’s a big problem in the industry too. According to poultry experts, cannibalism among a flock has been linked to deficiencies in sodium, so I guess we can knock salt off the Colonel’s list of secret herbs and spices. You slipped up there, Sanders! Only 10 more ingredients left to decipher and the jig is up …
3. Land Rover (1999)
There are different kinds of strange. This one is in a league of its own. We hear an unseen whistler. A bird circles above a barren Dalí-esque landscape. A man’s voice says: “You can’t have everything ... why not?” A wave crashes on the sand. The sound of a fishing line being cast. The water washes away to reveal the front grill of a Land Rover (driven into the ocean?) with the words “Financial Services”. Ends.
It reminds me of the Mr Plow episode of The Simpsons when Homer goes to a fancy ad agency. They make an ad for him that’s basically this one but in black and white, and instead of water, it’s snow at the end that blows away to reveal the words “Mr Plow”. When Homer sees it on TV, he’s not even sure it’s his commercial. There must have been people at Land Rover who were equally bamboozled.
2. CC’s (1986)
CC’s: The Godfather of Aussie corn chips. Not due to their longevity but because their slogan “you can’t say no” is really just a slightly less threatening way of saying “an offer you can’t refuse”.
Apparently CC’s stands for “Complete Chaos”. To write a proper description of this ad would require an entire page; to understand it requires a PhD thesis. As for why Melbourne’s Palais Theatre would agree to host such an outlandish CC’s-themed event, need I direct you to the tagline?
1. Sale of the Century (1989)
The year 1989 was certainly a standout for weird on Australian television. Before Millionaire Hot Seat, Sale of the Century was “Australia’s richest quiz”. It wasn’t a variety show, no matter how much its host Tony Barber clearly wanted it to be. I suppose making a promo with a big song and dance number with a cast of bizarre characters was as close as he was gonna get. But man, it’s weird.
Here we are decades later, still talking about them. So in advertising terms, I guess being weird works.
New episodes of David M Green’s comedy web series VHS Revue, where he reviews videotapes, are out fortnightly-ish
