Dear Anna,
I’ve been married for seven years to a man. He doesn’t like oral and won’t go down on me. This has always been the case, and I used to be OK with it, but several years in, I’m not so keen anymore. He also, of course, likes to receive oral himself and I give it freely. What can I do to change his mind? Or if not, then how do I convince him to let me get this need filled elsewhere? I’ve also thought about asking a girl so it doesn’t feel like cheating. — Need Outlet Or Relief Around Licking
Dear NOORAL,
First of all, if you seek out oral sex from someone else while in a monogamous arrangement, then that’s cheating (regardless of the person’s gender). And it’s condescending and dismissive to assume that queer sex “doesn’t count” or is somehow less valid than hetero sex.
Since you knew the deal about your husband’s oral shortcomings from the beginning of your relationship, and you decided to marry him anyway, your choices now aren’t going to be spectacular. You can either try to change the terms of your monogamous arrangement so that you can get this need met elsewhere; you can learn to accept that not getting head was the “price of admission” in your marriage, to use Dan Savage’s term — that is, one of the less-than-ideal traits or behaviors about your husband, but one that’s not worth divorcing over; you can cheat on him and deal with the repercussions or fallout of that choice; or you can decide that this is ultimately a deal breaker for you and end the relationship.
Since you don’t say much about your marriage itself, I’m assuming it’s probably fine-ish, and that you’re generally happy. But maybe you’re not. In any case, don’t expect your husband’s cunnilingus tendencies to spontaneously change because you want them to. But do instigate a discussion (or several) to see if any compromise or change can be made here. Who knows, maybe you can work something out. I’m not wildly optimistic, however.
Dear Anna,
I’ve developed a crush on my married coworker. He’s also my mentor. We haven’t slept together (yet) but there’s a definite vibe there and I don’t know what to do? — Just Old Buddies
Dear JOB,
Do nothing. Or, if anything, dial down the flirtation, and don’t put yourself in situations where you know things will escalate. (That is, don’t drink alone with him at bars. Don’t invite him to your house. Don’t be the last one in the office with him. Etc.)
TL;DR: Don’t turn a work relationship into something messy that would compromise your job and integrity. It’s not worth it.
Dear Anna,
I’m poly and bi, and recently a woman I’ve been seeing gave me the number of a guy she’s been seeing for a few months, saying we’d “get along.” So I went on a date with him, and he was awful. Just super whiny and dramatic and could not stop talking about his ex and how he’ll “never be able to love again.” Now I’m not sure if I should even keep dating the woman, if her taste in men is this awful? Or is it possible he showed me a side of himself that she doesn’t know about and I should warn her? Should I just quietly lose both their numbers? — Bothered by Annoying Dude, Trying to Accept S--ty Taste Eww
Dear BADTASTE,
Lose the dude’s number, yes, and politely decline any future dating recommendations from the woman. But, as to whether or not to keep dating her, focus on your connection rather than her questionable taste in men. (We all make bad dating choices sometimes — usually due to our insecurities and unresolved traumas — but it doesn’t necessarily mean that she’s incapable of making good choices, too.)
If you’re in Meh-ville with her, then this might be the final nail in the coffin. But, maybe she’s going through a dirtbag phase or something. Or maybe the dude has redeemable qualities that you don’t yet know about. You could certainly ask her. And let her know what your experience was like.
But I’d stop short of, like, interventioning her. While it’s possible that this dude behaves differently around her, it’s far more likely that the woman knows what he’s like already — and likes him. Or she wouldn’t be setting him up on dates with other people!
So, you do you. But try not to judge your date’s other dates too harshly. Plenty of poly people don’t become BFFs (or even like) their partners’ partners. It’s not necessarily grounds for dismissal. Just part of the general incompatibility of the vast majority of humans.
