Dear Anna,
So this'll be our first holiday season where me (38F) and my husband (42M) both have serious partners. I don’t have a specific question but am curious how to handle the holidays in general, but especially in regards to gifts, family dinners, etc.? I realize every situation is different, but a guideline would be helpful! — Pleased to Oblige Lovers’ Yardsticks
Dear POLY,
Holidays are stressful for everyone, what with accommodating family members, cooking elaborate meals, buying overpriced plane tickets, researching bath bombs for that co-worker you don’t even like and spending your precious time off trapped in a conversation with your second cousin who won’t stop talking about cryptocurrencies.
It’s a lot! Then add multiple partners to the mix and you’ve got a holiday stew rife for blowouts, jealousy and a horror-movie amount of fruitcakes. Not to mention the lie we’ve been sold about the holidays in general, whereby everyone is having blissful, loving experiences with their nonjudgmental families and exchanging only the most perfect gifts. (Tangent: see my recent column on how to be a more thoughtful gift-giver for last-minute ideas).
But, navigating the holidays doesn’t have to be a minefield, especially with a little candor, a little flexibility and a lot of feelings check-ins.
First, think about what you actually want
Yes, you! Before you consult anyone else, even your husband, ask yourself what your ideal holiday looks like. Disregard any feelings of duty or obligation and think about what would make you happiest. Because the holidays are a time we tend to severely neglect our own needs and desires, it’s important to factor them in first.
Then, find out the needs and expectations of your other partners
Once you know what you want, it’s time to bring your other partners in for some feelings talks! (For you, that’d be your husband and your partner. Your husband can find out what his partner’s feelings are on his own and report back.)
Ask your partners about any needs or desires or expectations they have around certain holidays. (That might be solstice, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Christmas Eve/Day and New Year’s Eve/Day.) They might not care about specific holidays at all, or have their own plans already that may or may not include you. For this reason, it’s important to get the ball rolling early in the season, if you can.
Love languages can come in really handy in figuring this out. (If you don’t know what those are, take a quiz and learn more here.) For instance, if someone’s love language is gift-giving, and you don’t get them anything for the holidays, that’s likely going to be upsetting. Some people like to spend holidays all together, in a big poly family arrangement. Whereas others would rather snort eggnog than have to spend untold hours with a metamour they don’t get along with. Some people want quality time, some people want to exchange gifts, some people want their partners to spend time with their families and their traditions. Find out what each partner wants and see where your own needs and desires (and calendar) intersect.
In my last polycule, quality time was the important factor for me. The actual holiday/s didn’t matter so much as long as I got to spend some one-on-one time with my girlfriend at the time. Because she was traveling with her husband for the entire month of December, we took a separate trip around Thanksgiving.
Nail that shizz down
Once feelings have been assessed, it’s time to break out the Google calendars and figure out what days, time constraints and activities you want to (and can) partake in. If your husband and partner both want to attend your Aunt Marcy’s dreidel party, then you’re going to have to figure out a compromise, whether that’s: both partners attend (yay, inclusive families!), or one gets the day and another gets a different day, NYE perhaps. Refer back to your Feelings Notes to determine what alternate, significant days might work here.
Be realistic about your time and energy
It’s tempting to think you can do everything, especially if that means you won’t be disappointing your partner/s or anyone’s family, but remember tip No. 1? Yeah, that applies here, too. So while you might think you can totally attend poly brunch at 11 a.m. with your metamour, then dash off to your husband’s office holiday party at 4 p.m., then travel across town to a family dinner with your partner at 8 p.m. — in actuality, you’ll likely burn out some time after that third mimosa.
Remember, too, that holidays happen cyclically, so if it turns out you can’t attend your partner’s solstice ritual party this time, you can plan to attend one the following year. (Or in June. I see you, summer solstice.)
Plan your alone time
PSA for spending the holidays alone: It can be liberating, stress-free and delightfully indulgent! Eat trashy food, go for a long walk, journal your desires and wishes for the new year or binge-watch zombie movies! The day is your oyster cracker.
You might find that there are days when your husband and partner are spending time with other people, which means you’ll have some time alone. This might bring up some feelings of sadness, loneliness or feeling left out. To counter this, I recommend planning your alone time so that you’re doing things that nourish you and bring you joy. Whether that’s a long solo hike and picnic (see above), taking yourself out to dinner or a movie or a museum, or planning a video catch-up with a friend, it’s important to have a plan for yourself on days when your partners have plans without you. To date yourself, in other words. TREAT YOURSELF.
“Managing” family
If spending prolonged amounts of time with your family is a challenge (this applies to approximately 150% of us), set boundaries and time limits in advance. Like, if you know your Uncle Leroy is going to call you an adulterer at the Christmas Eve lunch, make sure your family knows you’re only going to stay for one hour, to minimize awkwardness or hurt feelings. Having as much of a sense of humor as you can is also helpful in potentially stressful situations like these. Plus, you’ll be less triggered if you’ve been taking care of yourself. (See tip No. 1 again!)
Lastly, in the same way that it’s a bad idea to come out as queer by introducing your new partner to your entire extended family without a heads up, the same applies for poly intros. Don’t throw a new partner into the lion’s den without coming out to your family beforehand and giving them some time and space to ask questions and manage their feelings around it.
And lastly, remember that the holidays are really about spending good time with people we care about. Stay as true to that as you can and you’ll be on your way to having a holly, poly Christmas.
