Here at For The Win, a very serious place of business, we often have hearty staff debates. About anything, really, but especially food. Simply mentioning that you enjoy a certain salad or cookie or how you take your coffee will turn many of us feral. We’ll react viscerally, baffled that someone, somehow, enjoys a different texture, flavor, mix, what have you.
So in the Halloween spirit, smack dab in the middle of the 2023 NFL season, we decided to compare all 32 NFL teams to a specific Halloween candy (or any candy otherwise). And you won’t be surprised to learn that we professionals immediately hounded someone (this fair but courageous writer) for daring to have a dissenting opinion about chocolate and fruity gold.
One might even say such a pack mentality is a little spooky. Dear reader, this is the cross I bear for my colleagues.
Below, you will find the very scientific candy consensus we came to for every NFL team this Halloween. Some team choices and blurbs are obvious. They are the evergreen peanut butter cups of professional football. They are a treat. Others, unfortunately, stick in our craw in the worst way, necessitating whole globs of water to wash away the disgusting taste out of our mouths. You only wish they were a trick.
Note: The list is in alphabetical order, not by ranking of what is and isn’t delicious.
Arizona Cardinals
Candy: A handful of nickels
Whoever dropped this into your trick-or-treat bag clearly had no intention of even trying to compete with the neighbors on Halloween. — Christian D’Andrea
Atlanta Falcons
Candy: Tootsie Pop
It tastes great in the beginning with all those fruit flavors, only to let you down in the end with a gross fake chocolate concoction that gets stuck on your teeth. — Andrew Joseph
Baltimore Ravens
Candy: Charleston Chew
It sounds great and tastes incredible at first, but soon, you’re stuck with an interminable slog through something that never changes and merely serves to wear you down slowly over time. — Christian D’Andrea
Buffalo Bills
Candy: Milk Duds
Better suited for 20th-century taste buds fixated on malt flavoring, these bad boys have made a triumphant comeback even though the strange, off-putting aftertaste they leave behind remains mostly unchanged. — Robert Zeglinski
Carolina Panthers
Candy: Baby carrots
Zero real taste, plenty of crunch and are handed out only by people who don’t care to accommodate the actual cavity-inducing spirit of Halloween. — Robert Zeglinski
Chicago Bears
Candy: Hershey’s
Like this bland, basic chocolate bar, the Bears were a lot cooler and tastier when they were first dispersed in the early 1900s. But over time, with advancements in candy-making creating more diverse choices, you slowly realize you don’t have to settle for boring and uninspired anymore. And that neither was all that special in the first place. — Robert Zeglinski
Cincinnati Bengals
Candy: Caramel Apple Pops
The first few licks are kinda gross (the Bengals during the first weeks of every season), but then you realize it’s actually really good later on once you get past the caramel and onto the apple flavor. There’s always a better Halloween candy out there, though. — Cole Huff
Cleveland Browns
Candy: Circus Peanuts
[Expletive] terrible. No upside. Antagonistic to trick-or-treaters like management was to its fans. — Christian D’Andrea
Dallas Cowboys
Candy: 3 Musketeers
Looks great from the outside, poison on the inside. — Christian D’Andrea
Denver Broncos
Candy: The indistinguishable ball of chocolate mush you find underneath a couch cushion
There was a time when this delicacy might have been scrumptious. But years of careless neglect have made it a melted mess no digestive system could possibly stomach. — Robert Zeglinski
Detroit Lions
Candy: Candy corn
The best Halloween candy. A great idea at the time. A solid pick in October. But this seasonal clump of sugar will likely disappoint come December or January. — Michelle Martinelli
Green Bay Packers
Candy: Butterfinger
An old established classic, but they changed the recipe, and now it kinda sucks. — Christian D’Andrea
Houston Texans
Candy: Take 5
Trying to rebuild an old formula (Hershey’s) by slapping a bunch of stuff together and hoping for the best. And it’s kind of working! — Christian D’Andrea
Indianapolis Colts
Candy: Warheads
With a rookie quarterback, a new head coach, and a re-tooled team, the Colts are a wild ride. Their season has had some sour moments, but once you get past the extremely intense changes (er, flavor), they are a nice treat. — Meghan L. Hall
Jacksonville Jaguars
Candy: Jolly Rancher
Not that good and never anyone’s favorite, Jolly Ranchers still have had a surprisingly successful track record over the years. Also, they’re kind of annoying and stick around in your teeth, just like Jags fans will stick in your Twitter mentions if you criticize their beloved team. — Tyler Nettuno
Kansas City Chiefs
Candy: Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups
When in doubt, nothing hits the spot like these orange-wrapped treasures. Even when you think you have better options, eventually, all roads lead back to this timeless chocolate-peanut butter-flavored delicacy that never misses. — Robert Zeglinski
Las Vegas Raiders
Candy: Black licorice (any)
If you want to regurgitate the contents of your last few meals in your mouth, then this anise-flavored poison will do just the trick. No soul eats it or buys it on purpose. — Robert Zeglinski
Los Angeles Chargers
Candy: Cotton candy
Formidable in the first half, dissolves into nothing once it’s time to shine. — Christian D’Andrea
Los Angeles Rams
Candy: Snickers with almonds, or peanut butter, or whatever
A twist on a proven formula that mostly works but sometimes doesn’t. — Christian D’Andrea
Miami Dolphins
Candy: Smarties
Sweet with a delightful tinge of fruity flavor, these tablets are a perfect way to perk your mood up in small bursts. Just don’t exert any extra pressure that could crush them in your pocket at the worst possible time. — Robert Zeglinski
Minnesota Vikings
Candy: Starburst
You are excited to open the package every time because every decade or so, their season is like a pink Starburst (by far the best flavor). But the rest of the time, you leave disappointed that it was only red and yellow in the package. — Ben Fawkes
New England Patriots
Candy: A Cadbury Creme Egg left in the freezer for years
It’s pretty gross, but pulling it out and comparing it to the latest version is a stark reminder of how much bigger and better things used to be. — Christian D’Andrea
New Orleans Saints
Candy: A wrapped butterscotch at your aunt’s house
It’s kind of gold, it’s really old, it doesn’t taste good, but you keep eating them, hoping they’ll taste better down the road. But it’s not going to get better. — Cory Woodroof
New York Giants
Candy: Mounds
We all thought they were innovative, but then you take a bite and realize it’s all very gross. — Charles Curtis
New York Jets
Candy: Almond Joy
As in, when you eat that first bite, you think this old standby is a winner. And then things take a very dark turn. — Charles Curtis
Philadelphia Eagles
Candy: Peanut M&M’s
A different take on a tried and true formula that’s better than its predecessor. Some may think it’s overrated or ruining the sanctity of the original, but its uniqueness is what makes it so great. — Mary Clarke
Pittsburgh Steelers
Candy: Regular M&M’s
Classic. Always solid. Sometimes really hits the spot and is made up of real strong pieces. It can be underwhelming if you run into a Reese’s, but realistically it’s just a candy that is going to get it done year in and year out. — Caroline Darney
San Francisco 49ers
Candy: York Peppermint Patties
Likable to only a select group of people, these dark chocolate-mint discs take an evergreen-tasting yummy formula in theory and turn it into something nauseating and overrated in practice. — Robert Zeglinski
Seattle Seahawks
Candy: Kit Kat (any)
The traditional domestic ones are tasty wafer gold in their own right. The far more creative ones offered on the international scene make you realize they can succeed and thrive in any specially flavored coating. — Robert Zeglinski
Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Candy: Nerds
Nothing to write home about. They’re anodyne little sugar rocks that don’t even pop in your mouth. They’re pointless. You eat these only when you literally have no other choice. Even then, you never crave them and sometimes forget they exist in the first place. — Robert Zeglinski
Tennessee Titans
Candy: Airheads
We still have no idea why they traded A.J. Brown to the Eagles. — Cory Woodroof
Washington Commanders
Candy: Swedish Fish
Sometimes this candy is mid. Sometimes it’s absolute garbage. But it’s almost never good. We have no clue why we eat it or why it even still exists, but yet it persists. At least we get Sour Patch Kids out of it. — Mike D. Sykes II
