Thinking about moving back home to your parents? Maybe you’re already there, rotting on the couch as you read this, wondering how you got here. Don’t listen to what everyone’s saying about you — you’re not a loser. Well, not for moving home, at least.
In fact, the latest data from Australian Institute of Family Studies shows that more adults than ever are choosing to return to the nest, and honestly, who can blame us? The nest has never been more appealing.
A structure safe from the predatory jaws of snakes and rats (real estate agents and landlords) where resources are aplenty as food is lovingly regurgitated back into your mouth by your parents (aka the pantry is stocked).
Catch Carmelo’s show Homecoming at the 2025 Melbourne International Comedy Festival in April (deets below). (Credit: Supplied)
The reality is, rent has gotten out of control, the cost of living has spiralled, and the act of wanting to pursue anything creative or to study again might as well be a humiliation ritual, akin to the infamous shame scene in Game of Thrones.
I moved home nine months ago for said reasons, and it’s been one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. So buckle up — I’m about to share my top survival tips for returning to your parents’ place as an adult.
1. P is for privilege
First and foremost, you want to be very, VERY aware that even just having the option to consider moving home is an absolute privilege, and you are incredibly blessed. One of the most common responses I got to moving home in my 30s was, “If I could, I would.”
Not everyone has the fallback option of returning to mummy and daddy’s house. Check thy privilege and leave thy pride in the mould-infested death-trap of a rental from whence thou didst come.
Arrive at your parents’ feeling blessed, with a positive attitude and behave like you’re in an episode of John Quiñones‘ hidden camera show What Would You Do, because some of the rental horrors people are enduring right now are bananas (illegal).
Beloved friend and comedian Bea Barbeau-Scurla and the crack her landlord insists is “just cosmetic”. (Credit: Supplied)
2. Establish dominance in the kitchen early on
In the first week at the house, I say cook something impressive — I’m talking dinner and dessert, maybe a cuisine your parents wouldn’t usually cook themselves. Cook it and make no acknowledgment that it’s by any means a big deal, as if to say, “This is just how I eat.”
The idea is to instil a mild level of threat in the kitchen that encourages a sense of competition and pushes everyone to elevate their culinary skills. My first meals were photographed and made it into the family WhatsApp, which begged the question: why had no other meals made it to the chat yet?
Feelings were hurt; accusations were hurled but ultimately we have all elevated our kitchen game as a result. If this doesn’t tear your family apart it will certainly bring you all closer.
Sumac roasted strawberries and mint with yoghurt cream innocently made by yours truly, shared to the family Whatsapp by my father to be admired by all. (Credit: Supplied)
Fresh Gnocchi made by my mother as a violent clap back — a warning shot. (Credit: Supplied)
3. Let’s talk about sex (I’m not a) baby
I can only speak to my experience but if you’re a freakin’ gay guy and need to move back home, it’s not the end of the world. Gay men are nothing if not creative — if you build it, they will fuck in it.
Firstly, remove “host” from your profile unless you have some kind of bungalow situation. No one wants to meet your parents at 11pm on a Wednesday after they’ve just towelled off their could-be-grandchildren from your belly.
Moving from the inner-city suburbs to the suburb-suburbs, the grid is going to be different. There’s definitely more of a “no pictures due to work” kind of vibe, but that’s OK because leaving a gay-saturated area means you’re now prized fresh meat. Enjoy it you little pig.
Honesty is the best policy, to shut everyone up. In the early days, I went on a lot of “walks” with “friends” around 10pm, but I started getting a lot of questions about who and where. One day, I responded with, “Oh, I just went to have sex with someone,” and I found that really helped slow the questions down.
So be honest, you’re an adult, sex is normal, everyone just needs to get over it. It’s most likely how your parents made you! Hopefully, they’re still doing it too. I hope your parents are really going for it though, I hope they’re going for it hard and often. Good for them.
A great representation of the suburban Grindr grid at 11.30pm. (Credit: Supplied)
4. Do it for the plot
The loungeroom is the cornerstone of connection in the house. We come to this place for magic — we come to the loungeroom to laugh, to cry, to care, and to have a break from talking to each other.
Living with housemates who are aligned with TV preferences was easy. My previous housemate and I exclusively watched horror, so there was never much debate about what to watch — as long as people died. Horror films, for me and many others, are a source of comfort. If I wanted to be truly distressed, I’d watch a moving family drama with a heartfelt message at the end.
Things are different now. There are new players in the battle for TV. You must find compromise, or you risk being stuck with something truly despicable (MAFS).
If you have a mother who loves violent true crime and a father who just likes to ask questions about what’s happening, now is a GREAT time for TV. The White Lotus is obviously the great unifier, but also check out Severance, Paradise, From, or Gangs of London (season two was weak, but I have faith season three will return to greatness).
The White Lotus bringing families together since 2021. (Credit: The White Lotus)
5. Regressions of a Teenage Drama Queen
The biggest fear everyone seems to have around moving home is regressing into their teenage form, but how could you not? You’re literally back in the environment where you were an angsty teen.
I say lean in. Make a Death Cab for Cutie playlist and stew on how unfair the world is. Try masturbating the old-fashioned way, using just your thoughts and memories. Put down the vape, smoke some cigarettes, and drench yourself in Lynx Africa afterward. Watch some old, unnecessarily horny MTV shows like Room Raiders or Next. Put up some Beyoncé posters in your room and get super defensive when you tell everyone it’s because you actually think she’s really hot.
If your parents take charge of the washing in your house, LET. IT. HAPPEN. You know you can wash your own clothes — you’ve done it up until now. Why not just relish this sweet little period of time where things are done for you out of love? Because, before you know it, you’ll be back to doing everything for yourself again and wishing you weren’t.
MTV Next, the greatest dating show there ever was.
And that’s it from me! Hope you have a lovely stay at your folks’ pad.
Carmelo Costa is a Melbourne-based comedian known for his sharp wit and bold humour. In his new show Homecoming, Carmelo dives into the trials and tribulations of moving back home — offering up an hour of snarky, irreverent stand-up that covers everything from sex parties and bad rentals to worse hookups and living with your parents again. Don’t miss Homecoming at the 2025 Melbourne International Comedy Festival, running from April 8th–20th at the Coopers Inn (CBD) and Grouse (Collingwood). Grab your tickets HERE!
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