A relationship expert has revealed the quickest way to help a couple get back on track and re-build trust after one of them has an affair. Clinical psychologist Dr Kathy Nickerson, 48, shares the quickest way to re-build a person's trust after infidelity is to be "completely transparent".
This involves the cheater sharing emails, passwords, text messages and GPS locations - to prove they have nothing else to hide. Dr Kathy also suggests the cheater must have no further contact with the person they had the affair with and says the hurt partner should "have compassion for the straying partner".
Dr Kathy, from Orange County, California, US, explained: "After an affair, trust goes all the down to zero, most of the time. As a result, it's impossible for your partner to know they can trust you.
"So what you need to do, as the person who strayed, is to knock yourself out proving there are no more secrets and that you completely trust your partner. That it's OK for them to look into your life, that you'll be as transparent as possible and for them to see everything that they want to see."
Dr Kathy, a relationship expert with 22 years in the field, said that healing from an affair is never easy. She said the technique of being "completely transparent" for a time may feel like an invasion of privacy for the person who cheated, and should only be used in the short-term.
But ultimately she said this is the best way to truly show the other partner that they can start to trust you again. Dr Kathy said: "To rebuild, the straying partner needs to become an open book and share anything and everything they use to communicate and spend money.
"This includes phone, voicemail, email, social media, communication apps, bank account and passwords to each. The reason for this is that it's very, very difficult to have an affair if you can't communicate or spend money freely."
She said obviously the person who had an affair must ensure they have completely ended the affair and have no further contact with the person. This is because staying in contact with the person is "a major barrier to recovery" - although this can be hard.
For example, in situations where the affair was someone they work with mean totally cutting off contact isn't possible - so this is why full transparency is needed. Dr Kathy said: "In order for someone to start healing from an affair and rebuilding trust, they need to know that there are no more secrets, they are being told the truth, and there are no more emotional "bombs" that will fall on them."
She said the person who had the affair therefore needs to 'knock themselves out' to show they're being honest. She said: "Do anything and everything you can think of to show your partner that you are not keeping secrets, you are not talking to your affair partner, you are where you say you are, and that you are not spending money or time on things you shouldn't."
As for the person who was cheated on, Dr Kathy said: "It's very hard to do, but I encourage all hurt partners to have compassion for the straying partner. I believe that affairs are painkillers and that most people who choose to have an affair do so because they want relief from pain.
"This does not excuse their choice, the choice to cheat is always wrong, but if we can understand why they chose to do something, we can have compassion. Compassion helps us move towards forgiveness."
Dr Kathy said a way to help the partner to understand and rebuild trust, to work towards forgiveness, is to look into why their partner strayed. She explained people who stray in their relationship often do so because of three factors which occur at the same time.
She said: "They are not doing well personally such as experiencing depression, and the relationship is strained, and then there's some kind of other trauma or trigger which occurs. This could be the death of a parent, or the loss of a job.
"People who also have a past history of trauma are at higher risk for an affair as well. Unfortunately, trauma injures us and someone with unhealed trauma is more sensitive to acute emotional pain.
"I want to reassure people that not all cheaters are narcissists and not all narcissists cheat. Cheating is indeed a selfish choice, but it is not necessarily intended to hurt someone. It's much more often a short-term thing someone does to cope with pain."
Dr Kathy reassured that it is possible to overcome an affair if both partners are committed to it. She says around 85 percent of the couples she has assisted with her work have managed to heal from the challenges.
She said: "When people heal from an affair, they rarely talk about it because they have a lot of shame and embarrassment about the whole thing and they don't want people to know. Trust can be rebuilt; it requires time, patience, compassion, and for the straying partner to do the work to show they can be trusted again."
Dr Kathy's new book, which goes into more depth on how to heal from an affair, is available on Amazon.
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