Name: Tony Adams.
Age: 56.
Appearance: Steadfast, hand in the air, keystone of Arsenal’s legendary back four. More recently seen prancing about in glittering red pants and not a lot else … We’ll come to that.
Career highs: (Old) First Division winner, FA cup winner, European Cup Winners’ Cup winner, Captain Fantastic, 674 games for Arsenal, 66 caps for England.
Lows: In 1990, he crashed his car into a wall while drunk and was imprisoned for four months. His later autobiography, Addicted, was honest and powerful about his struggle with alcoholism.
Didn’t he then become a manager? Less glitteringly. There was a spell at Wycombe Wanderers, who were relegated. At Portsmouth, he was sacked after just 16 games in charge. Next came Gabala FC …
Gabala FC? Of the Azerbaijan Premier League. Most recently, he managed the Spanish side Granada CF, where he lost all his seven games in charge. Granada were relegated, Adams was sacked.
I think we need to get to the red pants, to get some sparkle back. So, Adams did what every celebrity, who wants to remind the world they still exist, does.
Strictly Come Dancing? Exactly.
And how’s it going for him? Well, he kicked off in week one doing an Arsenal-themed tango to Go West by Village People …
Oh, my lordy. Yes, it was truly terrible – wooden as wood, very much the dance of the solid central defender.
Wasn’t he known as Donkey as a player, due to his inelegant style? Only by mean people and Spurs fans. Anyway, that has been totally eclipsed by his week-three offering.
Go on. So, the theme is movies and Tony comes on dressed as a security guard doing a samba, with his dance partner Katya Jones, to You Sexy Thing by Hot Chocolate …
Oh dear, I think I know what film that is. Yup, The Full Monty.
Did he go the full monty? Almost. With one deft flick, he took off his trousers to reveal red sequinned shorts, plus pink socks held up with suspenders. Next was the shirt …
That’s a second yellow card, isn’t it? Surely he was sent off/home? It’s true, he and Katya sit firmly at the bottom of the scoreboard, and have done since the beginning. But, somehow, he survived the chop.
Because Strictly’s not just about dancing prowess, but also about entertainment? Hey, you might be on to something there. “Who cannot totally love Tony Adams,” tweeted Boy George. The studio audience gave him a standing ovation while 8.3 million viewers tuned in.
Like Ed Balls’ Gangnam Style triumph? Already being mentioned in the same breath.
Do say: “One nil, to the Ars-e-nal …”
Don’t say: “Oi, donkey, off, off, off …”
