It's the constant insults, the shouting and abuse. It's the act of stopping you from seeing your friends and family and of lying to the kids with the intent of turning them against you.
That's just some of the behaviours of emotional abuse and a new analysis by the Australian Bureau of Statistics of its Personal Safety Survey released on Wednesday shows nearly one in four Australian women have experienced emotional abuse by a partner. For men, the rate is one in six. More than half of women and a quarter of men who experienced partner emotional abuse surveyed said they had also experienced physical or sexual violence by a partner.
The rate of partner violence was over eight times higher than for those who had not experienced emotional abuse, according to the ABS.
ABS Director of the National Centre for Crime and Justice Statistics Will Milne says: "People more likely to experience partner emotional abuse were single parents, people with intellectual or psychological disability, and those experiencing financial stress."
Ms Sue Webeck, the CEO of the Domestic Violence Crisis Service in Canberra, says we as a community are just beginning to understand what emotional abuse means.
"We've had the language to describe the behaviours but we haven't been able to understand how emotional abuse works to exert control," she says.
Ms Webeck says emotional abuse is evident "for a vast majority of the clients we speak with and support - and it's increasing".
Ms Webeck says increased awareness will make it more possible for bystanders such as friendship groups or communities to offer support. She says signs such as restricting partner behaviour, degrading remarks and being negative about a partner's ideas and their capacities are the hallmarks of emotional abuse.
University of Melbourne Professor Cathy Humphreys, whose research focusses on family violence, welcomes the new analysis of the survey.
"The tragic murder of Hannah Clarke and her three children highlighted how intensely important emotional abuse is as part of the tactics of power and control," says Professor Humphreys.
"There would not be any worker or researcher in this area who would, hand on heart, say they only see physical abuse as part of domestic violence - there are always emotional dimensions."
But Professor Humphreys, who is now doing research on the impacts of family violence on children, says we are still missing young voices in the area.
As the survey reveals, those who experienced abuse or witnessed parental violence as a child were twice as likely than those who did not to experience partner emotional abuse as an adult.
"The rate was highest for women who were both physically and sexually abused as a child. We found they were three times more likely to experience partner emotional abuse in adulthood (57 per cent) than women who did not experience childhood abuse (18 per cent)," the ABS's Mr Milne says.
Ms Webeck: "We understand violence in a way we haven't before. Emotional abuse is not a singular act. It's repeated, systematic and uses a range of tools to gain control."
"Perpetrators can be very skilled and persistent when they use their power."
And she urges everyone to take note. "You don't have to be able to name it to be a victim of it or to seek some support."
If you or anyone you know is in need or crisis please call the National Sexual Assault, Domestic and Family Violence Counselling Service on 1800 RESPECT (1800 737 732) or Lifeline 131 114
