The prosecution: Martin
I think we should air our disagreements quickly, say what’s bothering us, and then we can move on
My wife of seven years and I disagree about how to resolve petty arguments. We don’t row much but when we do, I prefer to talk and talk until we meet in the middle, whereas Jilly retreats at the first sign of trouble and tries to cut off the conversation so she can “cool down”.
I find this drags the tension out. I think we should air things quickly, so we can resolve whatever is bothering us and then go back to normal.
Recently we started planning a holiday. I thought Jilly had booked too few activities: I like to be active and go sightseeing, but she prefers to sunbathe. Jilly then suggested we do some of the holiday separate from each other and I didn’t like that. I said, “What’s the point in going away together at all?” I got annoyed but Jilly walked out of the room saying she needed some space.
I’d have happily kept discussing it until we reached a compromise, but Jilly doesn’t work like that. She can be very avoidant. I’d have preferred her to come back in the room and say, “I’m not angry, I just want to resolve this.” Instead I had to wait until she was ready to let me speak to her again.
My work often takes me overseas, and this has also put pressure on our ability to talk through arguments.
When we have a disagreement on text message, she’ll just stop replying. So I have to call her – and then she will hang up instead of resolving the dispute. It’s the phone equivalent of walking out of the room. I think it’s bad manners. Sometimes Jilly will get huffy, then say “OK, bye” – and put the phone down without another word.
I’m not sure why she acts like this – maybe it’s our upbringing. Jilly was raised by parents who were very calm and relaxed. I come from a loud family where we’d shout at each other often, then hug 10 minutes later.
But I don’t think raising one’s voice is the worst thing you can do as long as you’re respectful. Jilly needs to try and stay present in tense situations rather than walk off or hang up. It’s important we communicate properly with each other.
The defence: Jilly
I think it’s sensible to walk away from a conversation when you feel it’s going south
It’s not fair to say I can’t deal with conflict. It’s just that when presented with the choice, I’d rather not have it. Isn’t every person the same? I think life is a lot nicer when we avoid arguing at all costs.
Martin isn’t highly confrontational but he does like to air any grievances we have in that exact moment. He’ll say: “I don’t want to fight, but can’t you see my point of view? I’m trying to see yours.”
When it’s a particularly touchy topic and things start to get heated, I’d rather go off and think about things. I just need time. It’s good to leave a conversation when you feel it’s going south. It helps avoid fanning the flames.
When we were arguing about our upcoming holiday, I put an end to the discussion because I could see Martin getting irritated by what I’d said. He didn’t want to do it the way I’d planned, and I said if he wanted to go off and explore he should do it on his own. But he got offended and complained that the holiday would be a waste. So I got up and left the room, even though in that case it wasn’t me who needed a cooling-off period, it was him!
Martin’s right when he says I was raised in a household that was totally different from his. His family is manic compared to mine. They express love differently and no one holds a grudge after a row. When I’ve fought with family members in the past, it’s been a huge thing that’s dragged on for weeks.
Martin has started working abroad for weeks at a time, which can be tough. I don’t love maintaining a long-distance relationship; it’s difficult for any marriage. We do a good job of keeping in contact, but little things set us off from time to time. It’s the stress of not seeing each other. I’ve been guilty of hanging up on him out of frustration. But I always call him back that evening or the next day.
I think more regular phone calls when Martin is away would help. We have very different communication styles, so it’s important to speak often to avoid further conflict.
The jury of Guardian readers
Should Jilly stop walking away at the first sign of conflict?
Martin should respect Jilly’s wish to cool down. Forcing participation seems a recipe for unhappiness and disaster. Why not take a 24-hour time-out before revisiting issues?
Stephanie, 36
Jilly is just trying to deal with her fears. Jilly and Martin are both flat-out trying to meet their own needs, but no one is caretaking for the relationship. Neither is guilty, but both they and their relationship would benefit from some compassion and therapy.
Kate, 49
They are both guilty. Martin should strive to be more open to Jilly’s input and Jilly should make an effort to view conflict not as some unpleasantness imposed on her but as a natural part of partnership that needs to be worked through as a team. Do talk more often while long-distance; don’t ever argue via texts.
Isaure, 29
Although Martin is right about airing issues quickly, he should accept Jilly’s need for some breathing space during an argument. Although Jilly’s refusal to engage is a much bigger problem. Avoiding arguments at all costs is unrealistic, and shutting Martin out feels like a power play. Why not start by talking through a compromise?
Rachel, 34
Jilly needs to do a bit of relearning: she currently associates a raised tone as a bad thing. Communication is key and, let’s face it, what’s the alternative – silence? The basics are vital, especially when spending time apart, so permit Martin’s vents, reflect and respond.
Patricia, 48
You be the judge
So now you can be the judge. In our online poll below, tell us: should Jilly stop walking off during arguments?
We’ll share the results on next week’s You be the judge.
The poll will close on Thursday 23 June at 9am BST
Last week’s result
We asked if Derek should put his phone on silent, as the text alerts annoy his girlfriend Ravinda.
3% of you said no – Derek is innocent
97% of you said yes – Derek is guilty
