The prosecution: Paul
I don’t mind Mum wanting to visit Vietnam, but why at Christmas, a time our family is always together?
Mum recently booked a Christmas holiday to Vietnam with her partner, Mike. I don’t mind that she wants to go away with Mike, who I like. But she booked the trip without saying a word to me or my sister, Christine.
It’s not that we don’t want our mum to be happy, and Christine and I are both adults (I’m 28, she is 32). But since our dad died in 2016, we have spent every Christmas together as a family.
There’s no understanding from Mum of how it feels to have traditions suddenly change without your input. It’s especially difficult because these traditions were kept in place to make all of us feel more secure after Dad died. A little heads-up would have been nice.
Mum has always made such a big deal of Christmas. Since Dad died she hasn’t wanted to be alone, so Christine and I make sure we are around to spend it with her in our old house or with our dad’s family. It feels like now Mum has found something better to do, she has just switched it up without a word. If Christine or I did that, we’d never hear the end of it.
Mum said “you’re old enough to sort your own Christmas out now”, but that isn’t the issue. She needs to see why it’s difficult for us after spending every Christmas together as a family since I was a baby. There’s hypocrisy there from Mum, but also a lack of empathy. It makes me sad that she can’t see it from our point of view and tells us that we’re trying to control her or ruin her plans. It feels as though she doesn’t care about us as much now she’s met Mike.
I know I’m almost 30, but my friends still spend Christmas with their families – it’s expected if that’s the way it’s always been. We are still grieving for Dad, so any changes in our family plans will impact us.
I want Mum to be happy and enjoy her retirement, but also to listen to how Christine and I feel. She has been very adamant that she’s not in the wrong. We are all still speaking but it’s been difficult since she booked this holiday. I want to move forward and I know she does, too.
The defence: Margaret
Paul called me selfish for booking the trip without telling him. But I’m 68 and want to see the world
I recently booked a holiday with my partner Mike to Vietnam for Christmas. I’ve never been to Asia before and took inspiration from Christine and Paul, who travelled a lot in their early 20s. I never got to as I had responsibilities, such as raising them, but I’m retired now and want to see the world.
However, Christine and Paul are annoyed that I booked the trip without telling them. We haven’t spoken much since I told them over the phone a few weeks ago. They both said I should have run it past them first, because we have spent every Christmas together since their father died.
I understand that this is different for them, but their father hasn’t been around for almost 10 years and things change. I don’t think I need to ask their permission to enjoy my life. Paul called me selfish, which I was upset about. He said that because we’ve kept our Christmas traditions, they should have been consulted, but I don’t think I’ve done anything wrong. I should be allowed to move on.
Christine and Paul get on with Mike, who I now live with. We bought a house together two years ago when I sold the family home my children grew up in. That was an emotional time, but my kids supported me.
They like Mike and know that their father wanted me to move on. He said so before he died after a long illness. But this holiday issue seems to have brought up lots of emotions for the kids. Christine is not happy and has barely said a word to me. We used to speak on the phone every week. Paul says he feels abandoned, but that was never my intention. Both of them live far away, and I’m worried they’ll stop coming to see me.
Mike says we should cancel the holiday and I’m starting to agree with him. I don’t want to cause a rift and it might be easier to just rearrange the trip for another time. My children are adults but are acting like toddlers over this. They are both single but that’s not my fault. It’s hard for everyone but I have to be able to do what I want. I’m 68 and after watching my husband die I sometimes worry how long I have left.
The jury of Guardian readers
Should Margaret have consulted her adult children about her holiday plans?
Although Margaret has every right to travel and enjoy her retirement, she should have realised this would be hard on the kids. I don’t think she needs to cancel the holiday, but acknowledging that she could have handled it better and maybe locking in another date to spend quality family time together would go a long way.
Emily, 34
The family spending Christmas together is a convention, and Margaret has broken it without the courtesy of consulting her children and hearing their views.
Chris, 39
Although I understand that the loss of a long-held family tradition is upsetting (and perhaps Margaret should have discussed this with her family first), it’s now time for her to have some fun. Paul is old enough to do something else. Maybe it’s time to start a new tradition?
Theresa, 48
Margaret isn’t guilty for wanting to make the most of her retirement with her new partner, but she is guilty for handling the situation insensitively. It sounds like a lot of hurt could have been avoided if she’d asked how her children felt about it before booking the holiday.
Flo, 27
Informing Paul and Christine would have prevented worries and hurt feelings for all involved. Don’t cancel the holiday though, enjoy it with mixed emotions – and with Mike, poor guy!
Frits, 40
Now you be the judge
In our online poll, tell us who you think is in the wrong?
The poll closes on Thursday 27 March at 10am GMT
Last week’s results
We asked whether Rupi’s boyfriend Raf was wrong to want to rip out the original fixtures and fittings in their Victorian house.
95% of you said yes – Raf is guilty
5% of you said no – Raf is not guilty
