The prosecution: Dave
Lara says sharing my toothbrush is just the same as us kissing. But it’s not. It’s gross
There’s quite a few gross things about being in a relationship, but I’ll stick with the PG-rated ones for now: I hate it when my girlfriend Lara uses my toothbrush.
It happens whenever she stays over at mine, or when we go away for weekends. She never seems to pack her own. We’ve been together just under a year and it’s time for Lara to start remembering to bring one.
She stays over around three times a week, but instead of buying a toothbrush and leaving it at mine, she brings her own back and forth. But often forgets. When she remembers, she makes a big deal out of it and asks, “Are you happy now?” The truth is, I’m more unhappy every time she forgets.
Even if we were married, I’d still find sharing a toothbrush repulsive. You use it to scrub away nasty gunk from your teeth and mouth – then you’re expected to share it with someone else and take in all their nasty bacteria.
When Lara says, “But we kiss, isn’t that the same?” My answer is a firm “No, it’s not.” When you kiss someone, you aren’t deliberately dislodging the food particles from between their teeth. You don’t run your tongue vigorously along their teeth. It’s totally different.
I want to kiss her, but I’ll be damned if I want her to brush the plaque from her teeth with my toothbrush. When Lara uses my toothbrush, I’ll say, “This is gross. Do you have to?” but she says it’ll be worse and less hygienic for me to experience her bad breath.
We’ll argue, I’ll let her use it at the time, then the next morning she’ll use it again. Then I’ll throw it away and get a new one.
I’ve taken it upon myself to keep a pack of spare brushes for her, but Lara sometimes takes one home by accident instead of leaving it here. We’re locked into this cycle of arguing about not having a toothbrush on hand – but it’s totally her fault. When I stay over at hers, which is only once a week or so, I’ll always bring mine. Why can’t she just do the same? Or just leave one here? I don’t ever want to share mine again.
The defence: Lara
I don’t know why it’s such a big deal for Dave. I think it’s more of an ego thing than a hygiene thing
I don’t get why toothbrush sharing is a the big deal, I really don’t. We’re a couple and we often kiss. We’re already committed to putting our tongues in each other’s mouths, so what does it matter if we share a toothbrush ?
Dave says there’s a difference between swapping bodily bacteria (for pleasure) and swapping food bacteria that comes from a toothbrush, which he says is out of laziness and should be avoided. I see that, but it’s not like I’m his sibling. I’m his girlfriend. It should not gross him out as much as it does.
When I stay over, I do sometimes bring my own toothbrush but, as it’s electric, it doesn’t fit in my overnight makeup bag. I’ll rock up at Dave’s and sneakily try to use his toothbrush, but he always makes a huge deal out of it.
He’ll say something like: “This is disgusting, you’re grim.” But he has a normal, non-electric toothbrush, which isn’t even as good for removing food, so what’s the big deal if we share? It’s not like there are loads of bits of food hanging off it.
Part of the problem is that I go to his house more than he comes to mine. I am a bit scatty so I’ll always forget something. If he stayed at mine more, perhaps the toothbrush would be less of an issue. I saw Dave throw away his toothbrush the next day after I’d used it, which is really over the top.
He’s now taken to buying cheap plastic ones for me to use when I stay at his, but on a couple occasions I’ve accidentally taken them home so the next time I go around, I borrow his again. That drives him nuts.
I think this is more of an ego thing than a hygiene thing for Dave. He has a load of gross habits – I won’t reveal them all here, but let’s just say his record is not unblemished when it comes to personal hygiene. He’s been known to skip the odd shower.
I would rather use his toothbrush and have clean teeth than morning breath, especially if I have to go straight to work from his flat. And I don’t think I should apologise for that as I make more of an effort to go to his than he does coming to mine.
The jury of Guardian readers
Should Lara stop using Dave’s toothbrush?
Dave’s theory reminds me of Trump’s super insane, bleach-based cure for Covid. Dave’s differentiation between kissing and toothbrushing is as flimsy as his argument as a whole. I say keep on brushing or else quit kissing.
Rory, 55
Sexy kissing isn’t the same as oral hygiene. Lara’s communal approach to toothbrushes has reached the end of the road, and she needs to change her ways. But old habits die hard, and perhaps Dave should start hiding his toothbrushes to prove a point.
Amber, 45
Sharing a toothbrush is unhygienic (and, given the prevalence of Strep A, potentially dangerous). It also clearly annoys Dave, so could damage the relationship. Lara should buy either a second toothbrush or a bigger overnight bag, neither of which seem like unreasonable asks.
Paul, 47
Even if Lara were right about the harmless nature of swapping “food bacteria”, which she isn’t, she should respect Dave’s wishes. It comes down to consent and consideration of your partner’s feelings is crucial.
Dave, 57
Lara should respect that sharing his toothbrush is out of Dave’s comfort zone. He may be rather unrelaxed about this, but she has to accept how he feels. Lara could buy an electric toothbrush to keep at Dave’s, which would also be too heavy to accidentally get carried home.
Indra, 54
Now you be the judge
In our online poll below, tell us: should Lara stop using Dave’s toothbrush?
The poll closes on Thursday 12 January at 10am GMT
Last week’s result
We asked whether Thierry should stop leaving the sponge in the sink, because it annoys his girlfriend Mary.
61% of you said yes – Thierry is guilty
39% of you said no – Thierry is not guilty
