The prosecution: Darren
Thoughtful gestures mean less if they’re not spontaneous. And flowers are a scam
My girlfriend, Margaret, absolutely loves flowers. We met on an app and her profile said something like: “Red roses make me happy”. I brought red roses for her on our third date because I wanted to impress her. Obviously she loved them and we’ve been together for three years. Ever since, she’s always trying to get me to buy her flowers. On birthdays or anniversaries, she gets annoyed if I don’t.
Margaret’s love language is gift-giving, with a special emphasis on flowers and jewellery, but I can’t do that all the time. I think it makes the relationship more special when you do things of your own accord.
I like to show love with my words and quality time, so I think arbitrary acts of romance, such as buying things, are a bit shallow. Margaret says I’ve dropped my standards since we got together, but that’s not true. I just don’t think it’s practical to expect the same thing all the time. These gestures mean less, too, if they’re not spontaneous or things that I’ve decided to do in my own right.
Besides, I show my love in other ways. This year, for her birthday, I got us tickets to a nice rooftop bar and a show, but Margaret still mentioned the lack of roses. She said I should set up a flower delivery service on direct debit so I will never forget.
I know she would like flowers from me every week, but I’m not that guy. I don’t even like flowers, if I’m honest. They represent death, serve no point and are inherently depressing. The second you buy them, you’re counting down the days until they die. You have to cut the stems, rearrange them, water them and get the plant food. Then three days later, they start wilting. It’s so much effort for temporary beauty.
Flowers are a scam, as are so many other aspects of modern romance. We’ve argued about this a few times. I think we should focus on trying to show our love in ways that benefit both of us – such as having more fun dates. I’d be happier to spend my money on that, instead of wilting roses that cost £20 a dozen.
The defence: Margaret
Why not buy your partner something they like? I don’t get Darren’s weird aversion to flowers
Flowers seem to really trigger Darren and I’m not sure why. When we first got together he was really keen to buy them for me, but over the past three years he seems to get annoyed whenever I remind him that I like them.
Flowers are just lovely. They brighten up a room and they remind you of the gifter. Darren is considerate in many ways, but if I drop hints that he should get me roses for my birthday, he’ll say: “I don’t want to be forced into it.”
I think that if you know what makes your partner happy, you should try to do that to keep the spark alive. For example, I know that he loves it when I cook him a meal. Me being caring, through acts of service, is how he likes love to be expressed.
I like that as well, but I also love thoughtful, tailored gifts. A year ago Darren got me a personalised gold bracelet and some roses for our second anniversary. I thought that was really special. But now he likes to buy me things we can do together. He will get us a voucher for a spa weekend or a date night to the theatre. While I appreciate these things, I also think it’s a little selfish because those presents involve him.
He thinks roses are “pointless” because they die quickly, but I like them, so it shouldn’t really matter. When it was my birthday recently, I made a point of asking for flowers, and I was a little annoyed when I didn’t get any. Darren says he forgot because he was planning this theatre night, but I don’t believe him. My suggestion that he sign up to a flower delivery service was borne of frustration. If he did that, I’d never be disappointed.
He says a delivery service will take all the fun out of romance, but I think he’s just being stubborn. My friend said Darren and I are incompatible because we have very different love languages. I don’t think that’s true, as everything else is generally good, but I don’t really get why he’s dragging his heels with this one thing. I wonder if he had an ex who used to make him buy flowers or something. He says he doesn’t but I’ve never met anyone who is so opposed to the concept of flowers.
The jury of Guardian readers
Should Margaret wake up and smell the roses?
I am a man who doesn’t like flowers, either, but clearly Margaret does. I think Darren should sign up for the regular flower delivery. Margaret prefers regular flowers to event gifts: it is unhelpful to show affection in a way your partner doesn’t fully appreciate.
Nelson, 32
Darren has known from the beginning that Margaret likes flowers, and it would require so little effort to please her with a nice bunch every now and then. Excuses about it not coming naturally are no more than excuses. Why risk your relationship for such petty obstinacy? As for the flowers “representing death” thing …
Tim, 58
Everyone loves a bunch of flowers and I get that they’re Margaret’s favourite. But by making Darren feel like he’s failed if he doesn’t get her a bunch of roses, she’s minimising the effort he puts in to giving her thoughtful gifts he’s chosen himself – and shared experiences are in no way a selfish gift!
William, 37
Darren and Margaret obviously have a loving relationship, so he should respect Margaret’s wishes and gift her flowers if that is what makes her happy.
Joan, 57
Darren needs to get over his floral phobia and speak to Margaret in her language. That should put an end to the hints that appear to annoy him – and keep the cooked meals coming.
Sasha, 54
Now you be the judge
In our online poll, tell us: should Margaret stop asking for flowers?
The poll closes on Thursday 19 December at 8am GMT
Last week’s result
We asked whether Ronan was within his rights to take kitchen appliances with him when he goes to live abroad for the winter, leaving Kyle without his blender and air-fryer.
83% of you said Ronan is guilty.
17% of you said Ronan is innocent.
