The prosecution: Jana
“It’s like I’m the sole carer on a personal and emotional level, as well as financial
I recently had a baby with my long-term partner, Mikey. We have been together for five years and our relationship – save for the odd disagreement about the washing or his pants on the floor – is generally harmonious. Our baby, Kitty, is a year old and I am planning to go back to work part-time in three months, while juggling nursery and childcare. That’s something we agreed and I’m happy with it because I need to work to feel alive.
The childcare costs were covered 50-50 by our salaries, but recently I’ve been using my maternity pay to cover all other things baby-related. It just started off that way as I was ordering the baby stuff, as I knew what to get. To make things easier, though, I now feel it’s time for a joint account.
Mikey earns three times more than me (£130,000), but we have never paid into one account. I don’t think we’ve needed to until now because Mikey has always covered most of our rent and, more recently, our mortgage. (He pays two-thirds of our £2,000 mortgage and I cover the rest). He’s generous in other areas and pays for food, our date nights and our flights when we travel. I cover some of the household bills as I run the house, and have covered everything for Kitty.
However, the time has come when I think he needs to get involved with childcare costs fully. It just feels as if he’s not really tuned in to the reality of raising Kitty. It’s like I’m the sole carer on a personal and emotional, as well as financial, level. Things are more expensive than he realises and my maternity pay has been spent on this. With me going back to work I’ll be earning more, but the childcare costs will eat into that difference. I’m aware that Mikey is looking after us in other ways, but I don’t want to feel as if Kitty is all on me. I’m fairly good with money, I don’t have expensive habits, so Mikey needs to stop holding back and open an account for us both.
Mikey has always said he would when we get married, but that’s a while away. We probably won’t tie the knot until 2026. I won’t be waiting until then. Merging finances just makes sense. I would like him to either open an account that we pay everything we earn into or we make a third account and pay in a set amount from our wages, and I take from that when I need something for Kitty. Mikey should pay more into it than me though, as his salary is larger.
He’s not opposed to it, but he’s been dragging his heels and says he would rather give me an allowance or a top-up into my personal account each month. I don’t like how that feels: it’s as if he’s paying me to look after his child. I would rather have a joint account – that’s what my parents did. Maybe it just shows our differing attitudes to money, but I don’t get why he’s acting so strangely. What difference does a joint account make when we have a baby and a mortgage?
The defence: Mikey
The thought of relinquishing all control to her when it comes to my earnings doesn’t come naturally to me
The way Jana talks sometimes you’d think I don’t trust her. She’s my fiancee and the mother to my child, and I want to spend the rest of my life with her, so I definitely don’t want to see her struggle. I pay most of our mortgage and bills because I earn more, and I’m happy to do it. That makes perfect sense to me and, since she’s just had Kitty, I’ll support her in whatever way possible. She’s a great mother and – seeing how much domestic work she does every day while I’m in my office – I’ve gained a newfound respect for her as a partner and a mother.
When it comes to paying all our money into one shared account, though, I’ve got a mental block. I’ve never done that with anyone before – but I’ve never been in a relationship this serious. The thought of relinquishing control to her when it comes to my earnings doesn’t come naturally to me. I wouldn’t say I’m selfish, but I am a control freak.
Jana thinks it’s the natural step if we’re going to be raising Kitty and she’s going to be arranging the childcare and nursery fees, but I’m struggling with it for some reason. I saw my parents fighting about money a lot growing up and I never want that to be us. I don’t want to see what Jana spends or have to ask her about certain transactions. I like the way it is now because I cover most things and she picks up a few extra bills and covers Kitty’s things. Our personal expenditures are then our own. Neither of us has crazy habits, but I like that separation. I think it’s healthy.
I’d rather pay more into Jana’s account or give her an allowance for Kitty, but she says that makes her feel like I’m paying her to look after our baby. I don’t know what she means: I’m well aware that I’m a father and I’m hands-on. Jana says I don’t know how much all the childcare costs as she’s used her maternity pay. I suppose we could tally it all up but I’m happy to pay whatever I need; I just don’t feel the need to merge our accounts. Maybe when we get married, but also maybe not.
The jury of Guardian readers
Should Mikey and Jana open a joint account?
News for you, Mikey: you “relinquished control” when you chose to raise a child for 18 years. Show commitment to your family and retain a separate account. Pocket money is for Kitty, not Jana!
Vikki, 58
Jana’s suggestion of opening a third account is the most reasonable way forward. Mikey’s reluctance feels like a red flag. What is he hiding?
James, 41
When Mikey says Jana “has just had Kitty”, it feels like she had her on her own. They had the child together! A monthly allowance feels like the 1960s, but could be a compromise. Although as they’re going to raise this child for the next 20 years or so, the joint account will have to happen eventually!
Chloé, 30
Both parties are showing financial commitment and supporting each other and their child in a manageable arrangement, so Mikey is not guilty.
Ronald, 66
Opening a joint account for shared expenses like childcare while maintaining individual ones for personal spending would help Jana manage their budget and show additional costs.
Josh, 30
Now you be the judge
In our online poll, tell us: should Mikey agree to opening a joint account?
Last week’s result
We asked if Fatima should stop setting the clocks fast to try to make her flatmate be on time.
44% of you said Fatima is guilty – her time is up.
56% of you said Fatima is not guilty – her plan is forward-thinking.
• This article was amended on 3 May 2024 to correct an error in last week’s result.
