The prosecution: Julius
Fred earns a lot more than me and should be understanding of my financial position
Fred, my older brother, wouldn’t like to call himself tight, but I think he is. He’s also oblivious to the fact that money plays very different roles in our lives.
We recently got into a bit of an altercation during a friend’s birthday because of it. Fred invited me to our mutual friend George’s birthday dinner. I said I’d go but that I didn’t have much money. Fred told me not to worry and that he’d cover my share if I was struggling. It was a really nice Korean place and I deliberately didn’t order anything except one starter and one drink, precisely because I’m so low on money. I’m in between jobs as a freelance copywriter and things are really quiet as I’ve lost a few clients.
When the bill came George said: “Shall we all split it?” I looked at Fred to sort of signal that he had agreed to cover my share. He pretended not to notice. I had to awkwardly point out that I’d only had two things. George said that was fine and that I didn’t have to pay the same as everyone else. But then Fred told me not to be annoying and said I’d also eaten some of the leftover chicken dishes on the table. This was true – but I only did that after it was offered to me. I didn’t appreciate Fred calling me out in front of everyone, and I reminded him that he had said he’d cover my portion, which he flat-out denied. I think he quite enjoys winding me up in front of our mates, but I don’t think it’s funny.
Fred is earning good money as a corporate lawyer but he thinks we are all in the same boat. He will offer to lend me money for something – once for a new laptop – then retract the offer when he’s in a different mood. I ended up buying the laptop on finance because he backed out. I joke about it but it’s a bit annoying.
Recently we went to Nando’s and he’d forgot his card and couldn’t pay by phone. I paid for our meals and asked him to wire me the £20 or so for his half as soon as he got home. He told me to relax and accused me of being “aggy”, but he doesn’t realise that £20 means a lot more to me than it does to him. I texted him again the next day and he didn’t reply, so I left it because I’m not going to beg. When we went to the pub a month or so afterwards, he bought me a pint as an apology but I would have rather had the cash. He claimed later he had just forgotten to wire me the £20 as he was so busy, but he should be more considerate.
I feel at our age – I’m 27 and he’s 30 – Fred should really show a bit more understanding towards people who aren’t in the same pay bracket as him.
The defence Fred
Julius prioritises having a lovely time over smart financial decisions. It’s time he listened to me
Julius is making me sound like a tight-fisted capitalist pig here. It’s true that I have offered to lend him money once or twice and then reneged on the deal, but there’s been good reason for that.
With the meal, I thought it was a bit annoying that he ended up eating nearly as much as everyone else and then didn’t want to split the bill evenly, or looked to me to pay for him. Before I invited him to George’s birthday, he had said that he’d just come along for a drink and I said I’d get him one. But before you know it, he’s ordering various bits and picking at everyone’s food. Then I thought he was showing me up when he asked to pay for just the things he ordered, when he’d actually eaten quite a lot. It probably got my back up so that’s why I said “Let’s just split the bill with the boys”. They are more my mates than his, so I guess I was a bit annoyed at the scene unfolding at the table.
With this Nando’s thing, he’s making a bigger deal of it than it was. I genuinely forgot and missed his messages because I was slammed at work. I later bought him a drink to make up for it. And I’ve covered him countless times when he’s needed it in the past. I know he’s between work projects at the moment so if he was genuinely struggling with rent or bills I’d make sure he was fine, no questions asked. I’m just a bit stricter when I can see him splurging on things he doesn’t need or if he’s being selfish, like at the birthday dinner.
The other time I said I’d lend Julius money was for a laptop. I retracted that offer because he said he was broke but then booked a trip to Ibiza the week after he’d come to me with his begging bowl. You can’t ask to borrow a grand and then go on a big, lavish trip.
I know we have different pay brackets but Julius isn’t great with money. He’s always prioritised having a lovely time over making smart financial decisions. I like to have a good time but I guess I’m a bit more sensible. We’re close so I can rib him a bit over his decisions. He doesn’t really listen to me but I think it’s about time he did.
The jury of Guardian readers
Should Fred offer his brother more financial help?
If your brother is short on cash and you’ve offered to lend him money, just follow through. You may think you’re teaching him a financial lesson, but really you’re teaching him that he can’t trust you, and your relationship will suffer. You’re his brother, not his parent.
Dani, 32
Fred seems to enjoy the power play of offering financial help to Julius and then rescinding it. If Fred has issues with Julius’s financial responsibility, he shouldn’t offer to help in the first place.
John, 44
I know it’s a rubbish feeling but if you can’t afford stuff, just don’t go. I was siding with Julius until Fred mentioned Ibiza – but that’s a slap in the face to someone who’s offered to lend you money. That being said: Fred, paying people back promptly isn’t difficult.
Benjamin, 26
Regardless of whether Julius acts heedlessly with money, Fred’s behaviour towards him is mean-spirited and patronising. He’s also dishonourable – a pint doesn’t “make up” for not settling a debt. Pay up, AND buy your brother a pint to apologise for making him chase you.
Katrin, 43
Regardless of what Julius ate at the birthday meal, Fred should have paid for Julius’s share, as agreed, then quibbled with him later. He certainly shouldn’t have done it in front of their friends. I don’t accept Fred’s defence that Julius doesn’t make smart financial decisions.
Cal, 58
Now you be the judge
In our online poll below, tell us: should Fred carry on lending?
The poll closes at 10am BST on Thursday 14 September
Last week’s result
We asked if Imani should tell her sister that she can’t stay with her and her partner.
42% of you said yes – Imani is guilty
58% of you said no – Imani is innocent
