The prosecution: Charlotte
The TV feels like the third person in the room. Brendan will even initiate sex while a film is playing
If you have problems with sleep, you need good sleep hygiene: go to bed at the same time every night, don’t work in the bed, and no screen time.
But my boyfriend, Brendan, says he can’t fall asleep unless the TV is on. He likes to watch Scorsese and Tarantino films before bed. There’s loads of noise, violence and action coming from our TV – a large flatscreen that gives off loads of light and keeps me awake.
It’s been like this since I moved in with him six months ago. I knew he had problems with sleep before; when he stayed at mine he often needed to listen to a podcast before bed (I didn’t have a TV in the bedroom). But since I’ve moved into his place, I’ve realised how bad his sleep habits are.
I complained about it, but Brendan just suggested I should use an eye mask to block the light out. I tried that but the noise still kept me awake, even when he turned it down low, so he started using earphones.
I then tried wearing my mask while he watched TV with his AirPods in, but it felt ridiculous. I read a book instead, but Brendan didn’t want me to have the light on. Now I read my Kindle with the backlight on until he falls asleep. I have to wait for him to doze off, then I get out of bed, turn the TV off and keep reading until I get drowsy. If I wasn’t there, Brendan would just leave the TV on all night.
The bedroom is a sacred space. When you go to sleep with a partner, you expect to get close and intimate, but a television ruins that. I also like the element of play and mystery at night, wondering if we will kiss when we get into bed. But suddenly I’m in a relationship where the TV is always on and it feels like there is a third person in the room. It kills the mood. Sometimes Brendan will initiate sex while a film is playing, which I find distracting and quite rude. It feels like he’s making half an effort.
The bed should be a place to cuddle and connect. Brendan needs to see a sleep specialist because his habits are affecting our relationship and my sleep.
The defence: Brendan
Charlotte reads on her Kindle and I drift off the way I like – I don’t see the issue
I’ve always needed a bit of background noise to help me drift off to sleep, and Charlotte has always known this. When I used to stay over at hers, I would put my AirPods in and listen to something before bed. She was fine with that.
But now she’s moved into my place, where I like to watch television in bed before sleeping. I know people say exposure to artificial light before sleep is bad for you, but there’s something comforting about having a film on in the background. I find it really soothing and it helps me switch off.
I suggested that Charlotte use an eye mask, and she was more than happy to give it a go. It seemed to work well for a little while – I would turn the TV volume down really low, and she wouldn’t be affected by the light as her eyes were covered. But then she said it wasn’t good enough, so I offered to listen to the TV with my headphones. Now she reads on her Kindle while I watch TV on my AirPods – I also turn the brightness down on the TV. I get to drift off the way I like. I’m not really sure what the issue is.
Charlotte says she doesn’t like the idea of us doing different things in bed, but the reality is we can’t always be in sync. We both work from home so we do spend a lot of time together. We make sure we have date nights. A couple of times we did get intimate with the TV on and it seemed fine. But later Charlotte told me she found it distracting. I’ve taken that onboard, but she needs to be more upfront with her feelings at the time. I disagree that we aren’t as intimate because there’s a TV in the bedroom – it doesn’t affect our sex life in any way.
We could both make more of an effort to go to bed earlier. Sometimes we stay up until 1am for no real reason, though Charlotte is more of a night owl than me. I’m up for working on a better sleep schedule, both for my own health and Charlotte’s. But if I still can’t sleep, the television will just have to go back on and Charlotte can use her eye mask.
The jury of Guardian readers
Should Brendan say farewell to his all-night films?
Brendan has a myopic, selfish viewpoint. He should try reading comics in bed. Scheduled intimacy is a rubbish solution. The best intimacy is spontaneous and in the moment. It results in sleep of the highest quality.
Graham, 56
It feels like Brendan wants oblivion to claim him without his ever having been fully present – either with Charlotte or alone with his thoughts. She must keep her eyes open until Tarantino has soothed Brendan to sleep, then get up and turn the TV off: that’s unfair.
Isabel, 70
Charlotte is right – bedrooms are for sleep and sex, not for watching TV. If Brendan were aware of Charlotte’s feelings, he would move the TV into the living room and watch it there. Turn it off and grow up!
Michael, 23
Brendan is deluding himself if he thinks Scorsese and Tarantino films are helping him to sleep. Charlotte should tell him to take a sleep therapy course.
Carolyn, 77
Perhaps Brendan is struggling to adapt to someone moving into his space, but Charlotte also has needs. She’s found herself in a love triangle with an overexcited TV. He should extinguish his old flame and switch to an iPad beside her Kindle.
Amy, 38
You be the judge
So now you can be the judge: click on the poll below to tell us if Brendan should stop watching TV in bed.
We’ll share the results on next week’s You be the judge.
The poll will close on 10 March at 10am GMT
Last week’s result
We asked if Stewart should move the butter to the fridge, because leaving it in the cupboard worries his girlfriend, Ruby.
86% of you said no – Stewart is innocent
14% of you said yes – Stewart is guilty
