The prosecution: Priya
She’s on social media all the time, but she takes for ever to respond to me and I worry we’re losing touch
My best friend Mandy is 32 – a millennial like me. She has grown up with her phone and is always on it, but with me she takes hours or days to text back, and sometimes ignores my messages entirely.
I don’t understand it. She’s on social media all the time and I see her liking and commenting on posts. But when it comes to responding to me, she takes for ever. I’ll send her a message about something simple and she’ll blank it. Then, days later, she’ll send me a meme on Instagram. I’ll nudge her in the text chat and she will apologise and reply, but I don’t understand why she can’t just respond within a normal time, which I think is 48 hours.
I don’t want to sound like a desperate friend, but if she has time to scroll on Instagram, why can’t she take 10 seconds to send me a reply? Often I’m not expecting long conversations, but I can never rely on her for an impromptu catch-up or a brief back and forth. I have to schedule calls or meet-ups weeks in advance, or triple text her to get a response.
To be fair, she’s always been like this, and her boyfriend says it also drives him mad. But with things getting busier – I’m pregnant and we don’t live close to one another any more – I feel she needs to step up. I’m worried that we won’t stay connected when I have my baby.
Once, I asked her if she wanted to meet up, and she replied a month later. She said she just forgot. Sometimes, I find myself thinking: “OK, I’m going to wait five days to get back to Mandy.” But I know that’s not healthy.
Mandy says she feels overwhelmed by notifications, which I do get. But, if I send a voice note to update her and ask how she is, and she takes two weeks to reply, it’s hard to keep up. Things have moved on by the time she’s replied. I mentioned this to her and she agrees, but says it takes effort. I know she’s busy with work, but so am I. And she works largely at home, whereas I’m in an office.
When we do call or meet up, it’s great and we laugh like old times, but it’s getting harder to arrange. I just want her to treat my communication the same way I treat hers: as a priority.
The defence: Mandy
I see a text and think, ‘I’ll reply later when I have time’, then just forget. I’m not brushing Priya off
Everyone tells me how bad I am with my phone. I will be texting my boyfriend about something and then put my phone down and just forget because I need to reply to an email or make coffee. I think I have attention deficit hyperactivity disorder.
With Priya it’s the same, so I tell her not to take it personally. We’ve been friends since university, and lived together for years in London. Now, I’ve moved to Manchester, and she’s pregnant, so life has changed a lot. Friendships become difficult as you get into your 30s, but I know that taking a month to respond makes it harder still. I genuinely don’t mean to. I just get overwhelmed with messages.
Yes, like everyone I’m on my phone a lot, but that doesn’t mean I’m emotionally available to have a conversation at that moment. My phone isn’t just for texting – it’s where I manage work, check emails and sometimes just decompress. Scrolling through social media doesn’t require the same energy as responding to a message, especially one from Priya, because I want to reply thoughtfully.
I know she thinks I’m brushing her off, but it’s not about her, it’s about me. As an architect, my phone is always buzzing with work notifications. Sometimes, I see a text and think, “I’ll reply later when I have time”, and then I forget. It’s not intentional. It’s just how my brain works when I’m juggling 100 things at once.
I know Priya thinks that because I don’t have kids, I don’t have an excuse. She’s pregnant and also working a lot, but she’s just better at managing messages than me.
I got worse at communicating during Covid, as there was just too much noise on my phone. Then, in 2022, I moved to Manchester with my boyfriend, and there was a physical distance between me and Priya. Friendships take work, but I actually think phones and texting can make us all feel mad. I look forward to putting plans in the diary and having calls. Messages aren’t for me.
I tell Priya: “If it’s urgent, call me!” Sometimes I assume it’s not urgent if it’s just a text. And if I really am taking too long, she should send me a follow-up – I won’t be annoyed.
The jury of Guardian readers
Should Mandy respond to Priya more frequently?
There’s no other way to put this: it’s plain rude not to text a friend back. Mandy should have a long think about whether she wants close friends or not, because this isn’t the way to keep them.
Sam, 63
It’s OK not to message friends constantly – lots of people struggle with it, me included. With my best friend, it’s not the quantity of texts and chats that matters, but the quality. They should try to find a way of communicating that works for them both.
Georgia, 28
I appreciate what Mandy says about having the emotional energy to reply, but friendship is a two-way street and she needs to put some effort in. Priya isn’t her PA and shouldn’t be expected to chase her all the time.
Ben, 32
If Mandy is on her phone already and scrolling on Instagram, then ignoring Priya is a kick in the teeth. The bottom line is that Priya just isn’t Mandy’s priority. If I was Priya, I’d go and find a new best friend.
Molly, 33
Priya should take it easy and respect Mandy’s differing priorities, as demands on our time increase when we enter our 30s. If Priya takes a step back, their friendship may become more balanced. But if she feels she needs more attentive friends, then perhaps she’d be better off investing her time and emotions in other relationships which match her needs more closely.
Cameron, 49
Now you be the judge
In our online poll, tell us: should Mandy be speedier in responding?
The poll closes on Thursday 17 April at 10am BST
Last week’s results
We asked whether Ahmed should stop spitting in public.
99% of you said yes – Ahmed is guilty
1% of you said no – Ahmed is not guilty
