The prosecution: Bill
I know Rita struggles with anxiety, but she only gave us an hour’s notice that she wasn’t coming
My youngest daughter, Rita, is late for everything and known as the unreliable one in our family. Recently, she was inconsiderate, and I feel she needs to learn that actions have consequences.
I had booked dinner for my 58th birthday at a nice restaurant with my family (which includes my other daughters, Bernice and Gina, and my wife, Linda), two friends and Rita.
But just an hour before, Rita texted to say she wasn’t coming because she was too tired. The restaurant had a strict cancellation policy, so I was still charged for her meal. I tried talking to the staff but they said it was the policy.
Everyone else insisted on splitting the bill between them as it was my birthday, so they ended up paying Rita’s share in her absence. I was quite cross and believe that Rita should reimburse them. She didn’t even bother telling me she wasn’t feeling up to it until just before we sat down.
She thinks that because she wasn’t feeling well she shouldn’t have to pay. She apologised to me and I accepted it because I love her. But she only apologised to our friends when I asked her to, and her sisters and my wife received no apology.
Everyone seems to use mental health as a reason for everything these days. But sometimes you’ve just got to get on with it. Rita lives an hour away, so I think she just couldn’t be bothered to make the journey on a Sunday evening.
It’s not just about the money, which I don’t really care about. It’s part of a larger issue of Rita being inconsiderate and unreliable. I’ve always tried to be patient, knowing she struggles with anxiety, but there comes a point where understanding becomes enabling.
Our friends were gracious about covering her share, but I was annoyed and it ruined my birthday a bit. On one hand, I want to support her mental health, but on the other I don’t want her to think that her actions have no impact on others.
My wife thinks I should let it go for the sake of family harmony. But I’d like Rita to learn to take more responsibility and at least offer to repay our friends.
The defence: Rita
I don’t know why Dad is obsessed with me repaying the money – he just wants to save face
I understand why my family are upset, but I don’t think I should have to pay for my meal. I was genuinely feeling unwell, and I gave them two hours’ notice, not one. I’ve always been open about my struggles with stress and anxiety, and sometimes when it hits hard, it’s more than I can manage.
I wasn’t just tired, I felt physically and mentally exhausted after a long time studying and panicking about my exams, and I didn’t feel capable of going out that evening.
I know two hours’ notice isn’t enough and, looking back, I can see how that was inconsiderate. I really did want to see Dad – I had bought his present and I gave it to him the next time I saw him, which was a week later. He seemed fine then, but he texted me to tell me I needed to apologise to his friends, which I did.
I didn’t know everyone else would have to cover me. I know Dad’s friends won’t accept the money to cover my part of the bill, so I don’t know why Dad is obsessed with me offering it. He just wants to save face.
My parents have given me support in the past, but sometimes I think they see anxiety as just an excuse for laziness, when really it can be debilitating.
My older sisters can also be unsympathetic. When I cancelled, Bernice texted me to say Mum and Dad were cross and that I owed everyone money. I didn’t need that when I was already struggling.
It’s frustrating that my mental health struggles are often dismissed. Yes, I was supposed to be there and I should have communicated better, but I wasn’t in the right state of mind. I didn’t think it would become such a big issue. Now I feel that my parents are punishing me financially. I wasn’t in any state to enjoy the meal anyway. It wasn’t intentional – I’d never want to cause trouble for anyone, least of all my family.
I wish my family could be more patient with me. I’m really sorry they’re disappointed. Maybe this is a lesson for me, too, about balancing my own needs with the impact my actions have on others. I just hope Dad won’t hold this against me for too long.
The jury of Guardian readers
Should Rita contribute to Bill’s birthday dinner?
Bill should apologise. While claiming to support Rita’s mental health, he actually disregards it, going out of his way to humiliate her, and asking her to apologise for her mental health issues to others. He didn’t seem to miss her, being more concerned with what others may have thought.
Jesus, 39
I do feel for Rita, as she is clearly remorseful, but she needs to think about how to react to social situations when first asked. She has apologised to her dad’s friends, but she should have spoken to her mother and sisters first. It has been stressful for everyone – perhaps they all need to be a bit more considerate of each other in the future.
Valerie, 65
The money is beside the point. Rita is clearly struggling and has learned a lesson about how her problems can affect others. Bill needs to learn a more important lesson: to trust his daughter, before she feels she can no longer talk openly with him.
Carl, 29
Rita was unaware of her meal being charged, then acknowledged her poor communication; Bill didn’t acknowledge his. He sees her as free-spirited when really she’s stressed and anxious. If he had told Rita upfront of the charge, she would have been able to make an informed decision.
Kath, 61
Bill is going too far by insisting that Rita pay the money back, but she should have tried to put him first on his birthday. As someone who struggles with anxiety myself, I know it can be strangely helpful when you are forced to put yourself aside for an evening and think of others, rather than always bringing it back to your own needs, no matter how valid they may be.
Kitty, 33
Now you be the judge
In our online poll, tell us: should Rita make a contribution?
The poll closes on Thursday 24 April at 10am BST
Last week’s results
We asked whether Mandy should respond to her friend Priya’s texts more rapidly?
59% of you said yes – Mandy is guilty
41% of you said no – Mandy is not guilty
