If your talkative teen who loves spending time with you has suddenly shut down and stopped talking, try not to overreact. In most cases, this is developmentally 'normal', but there are things you can do to encourage them to feel more comfortable sharing with you.
As your teen enters puberty, they can find it harder to socialise and retreat to their room instead of hanging out with you like they used to. Don't believe the teenage myths, though; this doesn't mean they hate you or they're lazy. They're just going through some big changes and need your support now more than ever.
As the mum of a talkative tween, this is a stage I dread. But hearing our expert advice on being there for our kids no matter their behaviour and understanding how much they're going through really helps. It's not their fault; they can't control it, and it's my job to change my behaviour so that they feel supported and heard when they do eventually speak! I feel much more prepared now.
"Teenagers often withdraw or shut down due to a myriad of reasons, which are deeply rooted in their developmental and emotional states," says Brenda Evans, therapeutic lead at The For Baby's Sake Trust. "Understanding why, and the underlying neuroscience, can help parents and carers support them through these challenging years."
We speak to experts on why teenagers shut down, discover why it's crucial for us to support our teens through this challenging stage of their lives, and learn how we can encourage them to talk to us without pressure.
Why won't my teenager talk to me anymore and is it normal?
Yes, for the majority of teens, it's 'normal' (and where there may be other causes for concern turn to your GP for advice). They stop talking to you because they have to, they can't help it their body needs to so that their brains can develop. "It’s essential to recognise that shutting down is a normal part of teenage development," says Brenda. "It's a way for them to process their experiences and emotions."
Unfortunately, there is a lack of research on how teenagers' brains develop during adolescence. That's why scientists at University College London followed a group of teens over several years, trying to work out how brain development affected their behaviour and mental health. They found that the slower growth of myelin (which allows electrical impulses to transmit quickly and efficiently along the nerve cells) in certain areas of the prefrontal cortex (the last place in the brain to mature, and is seen as the 'personality centre') could affect how different mental health issues emerged.
A separate 9-year study into social withdrawal in teens and young people found a U-shaped pattern to withdrawl: it decreases from ages 16 to 19, stays low from 19 to 22, and then increases again from 22 to 25. This seemed to be related to changes in social networks - teens make more friends and socialise more, but as they move into adulthood, their social circles shrink, causing an increase in withdrawal.
Psychotherapist and relationship expert Lucy Beresford told GoodtoKnow: "Reductions in grey matter in the brain means teenagers have less capacity for planning, impulse control and reasoning. This is why teenage decisions and choices can look baffling to grown-ups."
Here are some other reasons why social withdrawal is normal, according to Brenda:
- Brain development: The adolescent brain is still developing, particularly in areas related to self-regulation and social interaction.
- Identity formation: Teens are in a critical phase of forming their identities, which involves introspection and sometimes withdrawal.
- Social dynamics: Peer relationships become more complex, and navigating these can lead to periods of withdrawal.
However, Sarah Ockwell-Smith, author of How to Raise a Teen [£13.85, Amazon], says it's all too easy to accept the fact that it's down to brain development, hormones or attitude, but "ultimately, it's down to the parents. We can't change their behaviour, but we can change our own," when it comes to supporting your teen through this stage.
"If we're constantly nagging them, threatening them, punishing them, bribing them, etc., they stop wanting to communicate with us," explains Sarah. "The more parents punish children when they're younger, the more fractured the relationship will be when they're teens."
Sarah, who is also on GoodToKnow's expert panel, tells us fostering open communication with your child from an early age is important. "We often dismiss their feelings when they are younger ('stop crying', 'don't be silly', 'you'll be fine', 'it doesn't matter' etc.). As a result, by the time they're teens, they have learned to stop telling us how they feel."
Sarah also explains that when teens need to talk - they need to talk. "Even if you're trying to sleep or write a work email, put them first. Otherwise, they won't bother."
What other factors can contribute to my teen shutting down or withdrawing?
1. Hormonal changes
Remember how your emotions were all over the place when you were a teenager? During puberty, the brains release hormones into the bloodstream which cause physical changes in the bodies. These hormones can affect teenagers’ moods, emotions, and impulses - leaving them moody and sometimes unpredictable.
2. Physical development
In addition to dealing with these hormonal changes, your child also has to deal with the knock-on physical effects this will have on their developing bodies. This may make them self-conscious, embarrassed, and perhaps withdrawn at times.
If you're annoyed that your child struggles to get out of bed in the morning, it's worth remembering that many experts agree teenagers need a lot more sleep as they deal with these changes. In fact, in 2016, schools in Seattle changed their start time so teenagers could have a longer lie in as researchers argued it would be 'more in line with the natural wake-up times of adolescents'.
3. Peer pressure and exam stress
Along with these hormonal and physical challenges, there's no doubt that teenagers are under a huge amount of social pressure as well. From school and exam stress, there's also the added pressure of social media and cyber-bullying.
4. Rebellion
"As part of their quest for independence, teens might withdraw as a form of rebellion," says Brenda. "They want to show their independence and might reject attempts to communicate as they navigate their own paths."
5. Social media
When they see idealised versions of other teenagers' lives on social media, teens may withdraw if they feel they can't meet these unrealistic standards.
“There are abundant risks to young adults and children on social media, including social comparison and anxiety, body image concerns, cyberbullying, and dangerous behaviours caused by ‘the fear of missing out’ or FOMO,” says Dr Lisa Strohman, a clinical psychologist and author of several books, including Unplug: Raising Kids In A Technology Addicted World, and Digital Distress: Growing Up Online. “The barrage of trips, parties, and life events being plastered online makes it seem that others are leading fabulous lives while you are home on your couch.”
In 2022, a large-scale review across multiple countries looked at dozens of studies into social media and its effect on children's and teens’ mental health. It found evidence that social media platforms can contribute to depression, anxiety, body image problems, addiction, and sleep problems, all of which can make a teenager withdraw.
How can I support my teen when they withdraw?
"Understanding why teenagers shut down involves looking at both the neurobiological changes they are undergoing and the social pressures they face," says Brenda. "It’s a normal part of their development, and with the right support, parents can help their teens navigate these years more effectively."
At times, you may feel like your child is rejecting you as they seek their own independence. Family therapist Helena Lewis encourages parents to "accept that their teenager wants to spend more time alone or with their peers."
When parenting teens, Lucy advises caregivers "to give them lots of space, to grow their own ideas and values and opinions." She continued, "It is a healthy, normal stage of development for teens to begin to look beyond parents and outside the family for their identity, values and opinions.
"The teenage years are a time of experimentation. Your teenage children may want to go to parties with their peers and may be exposed to drugs, alcohol, or tobacco. It's important to approach these subjects openly and discuss what is right or wrong."
Helena adds, "At the end of the day, your teenager is going to go out, and you aren’t always going to feel good about it, but you need to trust them. "Pushing against them at every turn will only do more harm than good. Allowing them a certain amount of freedom will make them feel trusted."
How to deal with common teen/parent scenarios
‘My child just rolls their eyes when I try to set boundaries’ - Getting your teen to listen to you when you try to set boundaries has a lot to do with respect in your relationship. Pick the right time to approach your teen and speak to them about issues you may be having with their behaviour.
Certified parenting and youth educator Andrea Rippon advises, "Go to your teenager and ask if you can talk to them. Wait until they are ready to listen to you. Be prepared with what you want to say and cut the amount of words you might use. Teenagers like their parents to be brief!"
Most teens like to push the boundaries and may make mistakes along the way. But when parenting teens, it's important to pick your battles carefully to avoid unnecessary family drama.
Lucy said: "If it’s answering back, try to take it in your stride and accept that your little child is no more. If it’s refusing to stick to coming home-time rules, abusing substances, or being physically threatening, then you need to be tougher.
"If these boundaries are broken you can 'remove privileges, such as going to that party, or confiscating their phone, and be consistent with your message about what is and what isn’t acceptable behaviour".
‘My teenager spends most of their time in their room, uninterested in family time' - You might think your teenager is spending all their time in their room to avoid communicating with you, but it's vital they have their privacy as they try to figure out who they are.
Dr Marie Le Page, a paediatric consultant at MyHealthcare Clinic, explains, "Try not to take it personally. It probably isn’t about you. They are learning who they are and establishing their own identity. Their peers, rather than you, are likely to be their main influence."
Although your child may be distancing themselves from you, it's crucial that your teen is aware you are there for them if they do want to talk. "That way, they are less likely to be scared of speaking to you if there’s a serious problem, such as bullying or abuse," Dr Page explains.
Brenda has more advice on how to foster a safe space for your teen to feel heard. "Ensure that your home is a safe and nonjudgmental space where teens feel comfortable sharing their feelings," she says. "Practise active listening without immediately offering solutions. Sometimes, teens just need to feel heard. Give them time and space to open up. Forcing conversations can lead to more resistance."
‘My child is withdrawn and upset but won’t tell me what’s wrong' - Mood swings and bad behaviour could be a result of depression, anxiety, stress, or an unplanned pregnancy, so it's key that your child feels they have a safe space to express their problems.
As a parent, it's important you stay calm and consistent, whatever mood your teenager is in. If you can do this, they are much more likely to come to you when there are issues. If your teenager does open up to you, let them lead the conversation and listen to what they have to say without being judgmental. Helena advises, "Ask them what is on their mind and how they think it should be solved, and share ideas with them. This way, your child feels like they are being listened to and respected."
"There are no special phrases or magic techniques. It's hard work," insists Sarah. "Parents have to show their teen they respect them and value them. The teen has to trust that they won't be yelled at, chastised or punished for whatever they admit. The teen has to feel that they can ask their parents for help with anything.
"This all comes down to parents role modelling, empathising and showing their teens respect. No more punishments, no more exclusion, no more consequences, no more saying 'later'. Parents have to be calm and available."
Where to get more help if you're worried about your teenager
If you are worried your teen may be distancing themselves from you because of a serious issue such as an eating disorder, suicidal thoughts or another mental health issue, there are a number of professional charities and organisations that can help:
- YoungMinds - YoungMinds is a mental health charity dedicated to children and teenagers. Your teens can visit the youngminds.org.uk website to search for practical advice for dealing with common teenage problems such as bullying, problems at school, or exam stress.
- Kooth - Kooth is a mental health support service offering teens easy access to an online community of peers and a team of experienced counsellors to talk to. It's a totally free service and can be accessed via their website.
- Youth Access - Youth Access is the organisation for young people's information, advice and counselling services.
- Family Lives - Family Lives is a charity specialising in family support. Parents can call their confidential helpline on 0808 800 2222 for advice and support if you are struggling while parenting teens.
- FRANK - If you are concerned your child may be using drugs, FRANK offers honest and helpful advice for parents, guardians and children. You can call FRANK on 03001236600 or if you would rather use their online chat this can be accessed via talktofrank.com.
If you need more support about parenting teens, speak to your family GP or call YoungMinds parents helpline on 0808 802 5544 for specific advice and support.
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