Adolescence makes for chilling viewing for everyone, but especially parents. The Netflix drama has sparked national debate with its fictional tale of a 13-year-old boy who becomes a knife-wielding murderer of a girl at his school after consuming misogynistic content online.
Keir Starmer, a parent of his own teenage children, said the show has “worried” him and stated “we may have a problem with boys and young men”.
While Adolescence isn’t based on a single true story, alarm is growing over the behaviour of boys and young men who are increasingly exposed to extreme ideas about girls on the internet. The online world has very real harms, with the National Crime Agency warning this week that boys are forming “sadistic and violent online gangs” that target girls, grooming them into sexual abuse and self-harm.
It’s enough to make parents of boys — as well as girls — frantic with worry. But it’s also a chance for family members and carers to reach out to the young men in their lives who may be going through a tough time.
“These kids are in pain”
Dr Linda Papadopoulos, a psychologist and broadcaster, is clear that it’s important not to blame boys for the current situation. “We have to remember that boys that are insecure, that are feeling sort of low and unhappy about themselves, they respond well to very simplistic messages of what strength looks like,” she explains. Influencers who spout misogynistic talking points offer an an “easy fix” to children in a vulnerable place.
“It’s this fake empowerment,” says Dr Papadopoulos. “It's given to boys on a plate — ‘the reason that you can't get a girl is because girls are a bit shit’, ‘it's because [girls] have all the power and you have none of the power’. It’s a simplistic way of looking at the world, which is precisely why we see people that that spew these really unhelpful messages being so popular. Because these kids are in pain, they're feeling unhappy, they're feeling insecure, they're feeling they're not good enough.”
Dr Papadopoulos draws parallels between the struggles boys face with the current pressure to be hyper-masculine with the girls face with unhealthy messages about body image. In 2010, she prepared a report for the UK Home Office about the sexualisation of young people in the media and its impact. “I remember at the time thinking that we had to speak about boys as well,” she says.
Warning signs to look out for
For parents concerned their son could be falling down an internet rabbit hole of misogyny, there are signs to watch for. “Look out for language,” says Dr Papadopoulos. “If they're using these hierarchical ways of describing men — he's an ‘alpha’, he's a ‘beta’, she’s a ‘high value female’.”
A change in attitude that involves being dismissive of or denigrating women or girls, is another sign it is time to intervene. “[Describing] feminism as toxic, or rejecting female authority figures, whether it's a teacher or even a mum, or a sister.”
Look out for a shift in values, too, she advises. “Whether it's having diminished empathy, seeing people that are vulnerable as someone that is less than [and] mocking it, or admiring dominance or control as a sign that they're more masculine.”
In general, parents and carers should be alert to children’s behaviour around the internet. “If they become very secretive about what they're seeing or they won't share it with you,” is another signal Dr Papadopoulos advises to become attuned to.
Don’t ban social media access
A lot of the discourse around Adolescence has coalesced around social media bans — something show writer Jack Thorne has endorsed. But it’s not that simple, says Dr Papadopoulos. “The only way that phone bans work is if every parent agrees. If you're the only one [restricting your child’s access], it's it's really hard and it's just not going to work.”
Digital devices are entangled with our social lives, and cutting your child off completely could also have negative consequences. “The phone, which is the place that has the potential for danger, is also the place that has the potential for connection for kids,” she explains. “Social media companies know this, so they go out of the way to ensure that entanglement is there.”
If a child is the only one in their social circle not allowed on Snapchat or WhatsApp, they may feel excluded. “That's a really hard thing, especially for kids that already feel left out.”
Parents should instead monitor and set limits around phone use. “What are our boundaries? How much do you use it, how much exposure do you have daily?” are questions she suggests talking through with your child.
Dr Papadopoulos also advises people to be interested in what their children are interested in. “If you're worried about what they're watching, what they're playing, co-watch, co-play, be curious.”
Listen and don’t judge
If you’ve noticed something concerning in the media your child is watching or the talking points they are repeating, it’s important not to shut them down instantly.
“I always say listen first. You might hate what you're listening to. I don't care. Suck it up and listen. You need to understand why, even if he's saying something awful,” says Dr Papadopoulos.
Ask questions and be curious, and have empathy for the underlying insecurities that may have created the opening for these ideas to resonate. “Usually what you'll find is there might be a kernel of truth into what they're experiencing,” explains Dr Papadopoulos.
If they are sounding off about the 80/20 Rule (a bizarre theory that posits that 80 per cent of women are vying to date the top 20 per cent of men), for example, then perhaps they are feeling insecure about building relationships with girls. “You can then help him separate that from all the toxic stuff it's bound up in,” she suggests. Encourage them by explaining that girls are just as worried about dating and body image.
You can also ask them for the evidence they’ve been given, then gently poke holes in some of these internet talking points. “Get them to think critically,” suggests Dr Papadopoulos. “There’s so many made up stats online.” For example, if the 80/20 Rule had any basis in reality, then how are so many adults in their lives in relationships?
It’s also an opportunity to teach children about digital literacy. If you’re co-consuming media, you can ask your child what they think about the dynamics and stereotypes they might be seeing on screen, and open it up for wider discussion.
Seek out role models
Gareth Southgate was right that boys need better role models to cancel out the likes of Andrew Tate — to a point.
Dr Papadopoulos suggests that it’s important to offer all kinds of role models to children. “Boys need to see really positive role models from women as much as they need sensitive, brilliant males,” she says. Point out the traits that are good to have, regardless of someone’s gender. “It’s about looking at someone and acknowledging their value for what they're creating, for what they're giving society, for what they're giving back, and having those conversations.”
It’s also important to create opportunities for children to develop hobbies and socialise with their peers in the real world. “I would encourage kids to connect offline as much as possible,” says Dr Papadopoulos.
“Get them into music, art class, or sports class. Organise for friends to come over. You want to have that balance to dilute any negative effects that they are having online.”
