The busier and more fraught with pressures our lives become, the more elaborate the ways in which we choose to escape. “Relaxing” is no longer in the realm of kicking back by the pool or unwinding with something potent over ice; the more our smartphones buzz and apps ding, the more we desire complete and total release. It's no coincidence the past few years have seen the rise and rise of 'kidult' pursuits; grown men and women dressed as Star Wars characters running around a warehouse in Canada Water; people in their forties pelting each other with coloured paint in Wembley Park; hell, you can't even sign up to a simple 5k run these days without waving glo-sticks while panting around the track.
And perhaps nothing encapsulates the kidult phenomenon better than the luxury treehouse. It is the moneyed professional's equivalent of convincing mum to let you sleep the night in your Wendy house. This is very much about kidults at play - only, at The Woodsman's Treehouse in Dorset, playtime is about as luxurious as you can get when you're spending the night up a tree.
Just arriving at this dream-like creation is pure fantasy. There's no one to greet or check me in; I was given pre-arrival instructions in order to find it myself. (I won’t interact with any staff during my stay - I am master of my own private hideaway.) After parking at the top of a nondescript field deep in the West Country sticks, I follow a boardwalk down through a hidden wonderland in the woods. I pass a communal sauna yurt, and shepherd’s huts and bell tents tucked into the trees; some have their own accompanying shower rooms tacked together from ramshackle planks. It feels like some sort of alternative commune, an Ewok campsite, or possibly both. Keep following the boardwalk and eventually you reach a suspended walkway and... there it is. The Woodsman's Treehouse, all £150,000-worth of it, wrapped around a magnificent oak.
Creator Guy Mallinson spent six months building his dream project, the culmination of a lifetime spent crafting from wood (he says he was tinkering away in his first wood workshop at the tender age of eight). Mallinson started out in furniture design before launching eco woodworking workshops here in his secret clump of Dorset forest. But his ultimate ambition, he says, was to “achieve the most luxury contemporary treehouse possible”.
The attention to detail here is powerfully precise. The front door features a porthole window and a bronze steering wheel pilfered from an old steam engine; you open the door by turning the wheel, which feels a lot like entering an airlock in a sci-fi movie. It very deliberately marks the step from boring reality into playful, private escape.
Comfort
I've done my fair share of glamping, and whether yurt or glorified shed it's always winningly charming, but The Woodsman's is off the scale. Although one thing I'll say is you ought to know your treehouse companion exceedingly well. Placed in front of an all-glass back wall is an outrageously deep copper tub; the glass overlooks the deck, on which there is an outdoor shower. There are no modesty curtains to speak of, but that's the point - no one is going to see you here in your otherworld deep in the woods. The deck is built around the thick trunk of the moss-coated oak - the treehouse isn't bolted up in the branches, but rather sits on stilts. This is so the house does not put any stress on the tree - the design takes pains not to interfere with the environment, but rather is perfectly positioned to admire it up close.
Everything, of course, is crafted with the very greatest care from wood. (The supplied bathroom reading is a Scandi guide to better chopping.) The living area is cosier than a Dane sitting by a fire in a pair of overthick socks. There's a fully stocked kitchen, leather armchairs pointed at a rotating woodburner, and a bed dressed in the most extravagantly crisp, white sheets. The bed is also covered with an electric blanket and a faux-fur throw and, if you were to feel cold even swaddled in this lot (you won't), there's a Dyson space heater on hand too. (The vanity mirror is accompanied by a Dyson hairdryer - no expense spared, no corners cut.)
But there's more. Step out onto the deck and ascend a spiral staircase, and up top you'll find your own hot tub and sauna. There's also a unique way to exit the lower deck - a playground slide whizzes you down to the leaf-covered woodland floor in suitably kidult style.
There is something deeply satisfying about this sort of off-the-grid adventure, and Mallinson has excelled in creating the illusion of self-sufficiency while lending a helping hand at every turn. I was thrilled to spend hours making and cooking my own pizza in the wood-fired pizza oven out on deck, using frozen dough from the campsite's honesty fridge (also handily stacked with pies and wine). Never mind it took ages to create a couple of half-cooked atrocities that I wolfed down in five minutes - the fun comes from (playing at) surviving in the woods.
If there is one thing to bring you back down to earth with a thud, however, it is the bill. A weekend here costs a whopping £1,170 in low season (it opened to customers last summer but is as good in winter as on warmer days - holing up inside is most of the fun). Mallinson agrees: “It is very expensive because it is totally unique and very high spec.” Certainly it's as comfortable as many a top-end hotel I have stayed in, and with superlative privacy and novelty factors besides. But with prices like this, not everyone is invited to play.
Location
The rates aren't the only bougie thing about a stay at The Woodsman's - the area has plenty to please upmarket glampers. Though the site itself is in a remote location near the tiny hamlet of Holditch, Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall’s River Cottage and Mark Hix’s Oyster & Fish House are within a 10-mile radius. The River Cottage Deli in nearby Axminster offers artisanal, seasonal produce for self-catering and the Jurassic Coast is close by for days out. An easy 45-minute walk from the treehouse is Forde Abbey, a former medieval monastery with beautifully presented gardens well worth a wander.
Travel essentials
Crafty Camping, Yonder Hill, Holditch, West Dorset, TA20 4NL (01460 221 102; mallinson.co.uk). Low season rates start at £780 for two nights during the week (Mon-Tues or Weds-Thurs) and £1,170 for three nights on weekends (Friday night to Monday morning).
Wifi: Free
Access: Not wheelchair accessible
Pets: No pets - livestock in the area
Parking: Free
Rooms: *****
Service: *****
Value: ****
