Surrogacy is a major mental and physical commitment, not something to be taken lightly. Giving up your body for the sake of someone else’s dream is a massive sacrifice and there are all sorts of risk factors involved.
For one woman, her sister’s dream of having a child depended on her being the surrogate mother. After one request too many, the woman snapped and told her sister she was infertile, but the lie came out when she got pregnant years later. Now she’s wondering if she was a jerk for being dishonest.
More info: Reddit
Everyone’s body is their own, but this woman’s sister thought she was entitled to hers
Image credits: Freepik / Freepik (not the actual photo)
Desperate to have a child, the sister wouldn’t stop nagging her about surrogacy
Image credits: yanalya / Freepik (not the actual photo)
One night after much pestering, the woman snapped and told the whole family that she was infertile, just to get her sister off her back
Image credits: Freepik / Freepik (not the actual photo)
Eventually the sister and her husband got divorced because of her fertility issues
Image credits: MuuhnikaTheCow
Now the woman’s pregnant, her sister is accusing her of ruining her marriage, and she’s turned to the internet to ask if she was a jerk for lying
OP begins her story by telling the community that, three years ago, her sister Anna had been struggling with fertility issues. She goes on to explain that she was only 26 then, and that she and her husband had decided to hold off on having kids so they could concentrate on their careers.
Anna kept asking OP to be her surrogate, but no matter how many times OP politely declined, she wouldn’t take no for an answer. OP says she explained to her that she wasn’t comfortable being pregnant for somebody else and didn’t think she could handle the mental and physical demands of surrogacy, but Anna wouldn’t listen.
Things came to a head at a family gathering when Anna brought up the topic of surrogacy once again. This time OP felt her boundaries were being trampled one too many times and told everyone that she couldn’t be a surrogate mom because she was infertile herself. This news devastated Anna, who put her relationship with OP on ice.
Eventually Anna and her husband couldn’t deal with the infertility issue and ended up getting divorced. Now OP is 29 and pregnant with her first child, but when she told Anna the happy news, she lost it, called OP a liar and accused her of ruining her marriage.
According to OP, Anna has been acting angry and irrational towards her ever since. Now OP is wondering if she was the jerk for lying to Anna to avoid an unwanted surrogacy.
From what OP tells us in her story, it would seem that Anna is rather narcissistic and, on top of that, has never really gotten to grips with the concept of bodily autonomy.
Image credits: Freepik / Freepik (not the actual photo)
In her article for VeryWellMind, Kendra Cherry writes that a narcissist is someone with an inflated image of themselves. A person with narcissistic tendencies often has such an excessive interest in their own image and appearance that they lack consideration or empathy for others.
When dealing with a narcissist, the crucial first step is to recognize the signs. Do they lack empathy? Do they self-aggrandize? Are they unapologetic? Do they overreact to criticism? Are they manipulative? At times, narcissistic characteristics are easy to recognize, but covert narcissism is more challenging to pick up on.
Cherry puts forward some tips for dealing with a narcissist. These include not taking their behavior personally, establishing and enforcing boundaries, keeping a watch for gaslighting, boosting your self-esteem, and creating and confiding in a support network like friends and family.
According to the HIV Language Compendium website, bodily integrity and autonomy refers to the human right that everyone should enjoy taking self-determined decisions over their own body. In other words, bodily integrity and autonomy is the human right that all individuals have to determine their own fate without undue policing or patronizing control over their own bodies.
According to the World Economic Forum website, a United Nations Population Fund (UNFPA) report has suggested that roughly half of all women are denied bodily autonomy.
In the 57 countries surveyed, the proportion of women aged between 15 and 49 able to make autonomous decisions when it comes to sex with partners or husbands, contraception, and seeking health care ranged from 87% to as low as 7%.
Bearing this in mind, Anna was well out of line demanding that OP be her surrogate, since that would be impinging upon OP’s right to bodily autonomy, that is, to make her own decisions about what she does and doesn’t do with her body.
Bored Panda reached out to psychologist Dr. Deborah Hecker to get her take on the situation.
When we asked her what she thought of the sister’s insistence that OP be her surrogate, she had this to say, “I am very sympathetic to what I imagine are the sister’s emotions of grief and despair in response to her infertility. However, it seems that her feelings of helplessness have clouded her judgment about what she can reasonably expect of her sister.”
Hecker goes on to add, “Surrogacy is a kind gift, not an expectation. It is a difficult journey that demands sacrifice. Even if her sister is eligible for surrogacy, it’s not her obligation to do so. Her refusal to accept her sister’s negative response is manipulative and controlling. Despite her feelings of entitlement to her sister’s body, that is not her right.”
We asked Dr. Hecker for one piece of advice she’d offer OP going forward and she responded, “If ever there was a time for her to stand up for herself and deal with the consequences, it’s telling her sister she is not prepared to be her surrogate! As a result of her inability to stay firm with her decision, I would suggest she evaluate two things; her relationship with her sister and her own difficulty engaging in constructive conflict.”
Hecker concluded, “Sibling bonds are among the most intimate. Not feeling safe enough to be completely honest with her sister means there are some weak links in the relationship that need to be healed. All relationships have conflict. It is critically important to be able to look people in the eyes and be truthful. That is something she needs to learn to do.”
What do you think of OP’s situation? Does Anna have a right to be angry at her, or are her narcissistic tendencies getting the better of her? Let us know your opinion in the comments!
In the comments, readers quickly sprang to the woman’s defense, claiming that, if anything, the sister was the jerk for wanting to treat her like a free womb
