Losing a family member can turn your world upside down in an instant. Suddenly, you have to navigate the world shrouded in a thick cloud of grief, being expected to make rational decisions and continue on with your life while all you want to do is curl up in a ball and cry.
It’s completely understandable to say or do things that are a bit out of character while grieving, but one woman’s family has definitely crossed the line when it comes to what’s appropriate. Below, you’ll find a story that this woman recently posted on Reddit, detailing how she’s been told to marry her late sister’s husband, as well as some of the replies concerned readers shared.
Losing a loved one can turn your entire world upside down
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Following her sister’s death, this woman was disgusted by her family’s suggestion to marry her brother-in-law
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Later, the woman responded to readers and provided even more information on the situation
Losing a spouse can take a huge toll on a person
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The loss of a spouse is one of those unthinkable tragedies that we often try to pretend isn’t even possible, because simply the idea of it can tear a person apart. Your partner is the most important person in the world to you, aside from your children if you have a family together, and navigating life without them by your side sounds far too painful to even consider. Your spouse is your best friend, your confidant, your lover, your partner in crime, and you two deserve to live a long, full life together.
The unexpected loss of a spouse can cause a flood of mixed emotions, the National Institute on Aging notes. A surviving partner may feel shocked, scared, numb, guilty, or even angry at their partner for leaving them alone. It’s also common for them to experience trouble sleeping, a lack of appetite, difficulties concentrating, and a hard time making decisions.
As impossible as it may seem to take a shower or eat a healthy meal, it’s recommended that the support system of a grieving spouse makes sure that they take care of themselves. If possible, they should try to maintain a healthy lifestyle and avoid the temptation to self medicate with drugs or alcohol. They should talk with friends and/or a therapist regularly, so they don’t feel alone. And it’s wise to see a doctor as well, to make sure they don’t have any hidden health issues.
It’s common for those grieving to make decisions that aren’t necessarily rational
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According to Elizabeth Kübler Ross, the 5 stages of grief are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. While everyone will go through these stages in their own ways, it’s possible that the family in this story is still in the stage of denial. They believe that the younger daughter can easily slip into her sister’s roles, and that that will somehow ease the pain of losing their daughter or wife.
It’s completely unreasonable to ask an adult woman, who is her own person and lives her own life, to simply live the rest of her life in her sister’s shoes. But grief can make you do crazy things. The Tragedy Assistance Program for Survivors explains that irrational behavior is common while grieving because traumatic experiences can make our worlds feel like they’ve been shattered. If your reality is being changed by this significant event, it can be difficult to determine what is real and what isn’t.
Those grieving often dissociate and report that their lives feel surreal as well. They might believe for moments that what’s happening is a dream and that they’ll one day wake up from this nightmare. People might feel that time is distorted and that they’re having trouble thinking rationally as well. It takes time for our brains to process tragedies, and we should give ourselves grace to act irrationally at moments.
Pressuring anyone into marriage is setting them up for failure
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While the idea of marrying your brother-in-law following the death of your sister probably sounds ridiculous to you, it wasn’t too long ago that this was considered acceptable by some societies. In fact, it does still happen today, though it seems unheard of in Western society. And in 1907, the United Kingdom actually passed an act that allowed widowers to marry the sisters of their dead wives. Unsurprisingly, this was called the Deceased Wife’s Sister’s Marriage Act of 1907.
Today, however, times have changed. If you choose to get married, you should be thrilled about it. It should be a well thought out, mutual decision made between you and your partner based on love and commitment. Pressuring anyone to get married is a bad idea, especially considering that about half of first marriages end in divorce. And being stuck in a bad marriage can take a brutal toll on a person’s wellbeing.
Expecting this woman to enter a marriage to a person she doesn’t like, being expected to act like her sister rather than herself and suddenly being the mother to 6 children at the age of 23 is extremely unfair and unreasonable. She is an adult, and her parents no longer get to make decisions for her.
We would love to hear your thoughts on this situation in the comments below, pandas. What would you do if you were in this woman’s shoes? Then, if you’re interested in checking out another Bored Panda article discussing family drama, look no further than right here.
Readers shared their concern for the woman and urged her to get out of this situation
