Anyone who has gone through hardship will know that there can be reminders of it throughout the rest of your life that might cause some amount of disquiet. This can cause some strain with friends and family, but there are limits to how far someone has to actually tip-toe around your unresolved trauma.
A woman wondered if she was wrong for refusing to cut her long hair after a friend told her it brought up “family trauma.” Readers shared their thoughts and gave some suggestions. Bored Panda reached out to OP via Reddit and will update the article when she gets back to us.
Trauma can be a hard thing to work through
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But one woman was surprised when her friends requested that she cut her hair
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Trauma can have a lasting effect on people
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First and foremost, trauma is no small thing. The passing of a family member, particularly one as close as a mother can be an issue a person deals with for the rest of their lives. Trauma often isn’t a constant, passive pain, but a sort of memory that gets locked away, until something you encounter reminds you of it. While it now might be a bit of a loaded word, this is sometimes called a trigger.
That being said, it’s not like a feeling of random sadness. People who have gone through traumatic events report a variety of symptoms, from full-blown PTSD to nausea, trouble sleeping, and migraines. Psychological injuries can have a very real effect on a person’s physical health if left untreated.
This is all to say that OP’s friend is probably not lying, a constant reminder of her mother is no doubt difficult. On the other hand, as many of the commenters have noted, indulging a traumatized person’s every wish is hardly the way to go. OP cutting her hair might perhaps help, up until the same friend sees another person with long hair. The truth is that as important as friendships are, one has to have boundaries. Asking OP to cut her hair is already on the border of too much, but turning it into a conflict is a clear sign that this woman needs professional help.
OP is correct to have some boundaries
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Generally, this sort of trauma response is treated with cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), which can help the person develop ways to work around their trauma response. For example, OP’s now-ex-friend can’t go through life breaking down every time she sees long hair, she needs a more sustainable method.
That being said, she was OP’s friend for a while before making the request. This calls into question just how severe her trauma response actually was. Asking a stranger to cut their hair is pretty extreme, but if it causes you so much pain, why would you take the time to get closer to them just to ask them to cut it?
The truth is, these two women perhaps should not have been friends in the first place. OP has long hair which she cherishes, as is her right to do. At the same time, her ex-friend does have a pretty negative emotion associated with it. It simply makes sense for the two of them to, perhaps, not be friends until the traumatized woman works through it. No friendship is maybe better than a bad friendship.
Truthfully, the friends‘ entitled and downright horrible reaction to OP’s “rejection” is the real issue. Friends don’t really act that way, so, all in all, OP perhaps dodged a bullet. Commenters were quick to help OP understand that she is absolutely not in the wrong. While we, unfortunately, don’t have an update, it’s best to hope that the friend ended up getting the help she needed.
OP also gave some more details
Most readers thought she was in the clear
