Coming to terms with the fact that your marriage is no longer working is never easy. You might want to fight for the relationship while your spouse has already given up, or the two of you might agree that it’s best to move forward with divorce. But no matter what happens, it’s best to be 100% before bringing up the d-word, because you can never take back the damage it can cause.
One father recently detailed on Reddit how his wife decided to end their marriage, then later began having second thoughts about her choice. Below, you’ll find the full story that he shared online, as well as conversations with Couple and Family Therapist Peter H. Fowler and Relationship Coach Jane Parker.
This man’s wife filed for divorce after deciding that she would be better off alone
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But now that her ex-husband has moved on, she’s having second thoughts about her decision
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“Many couples experience what can be described as mixed agendas, where one is leaning in and seeking to save the marriage and the other is leaning out”
To gain more insight on this topic, we reached out to Family Therapist Peter H. Fowler, who was kind enough to share his thoughts with Bored Panda.
First, we wanted to know how quickly couples usually decide to go through with divorce once they’ve decided it might be the best option for them. “Many couples experience what can be described as mixed agendas, where one is leaning in and seeking to save the marriage and the other is leaning out, with one foot out of the marriage,” Peter shared.
“In some cases the leaning out partner has already left. These couples are in a ‘liminal space,’ where they are neither together, but nor are they apart,” the therapist explained. “They are on the brink of divorce and need some help to gain clarity about their feelings and what is driving their desire to stay or go.”
Peter says that, ultimately, these couples need to gain the confidence to either leave or commit to couples therapy. “Couples can remain in this liminal space for years,” he noted. “However, if they seek help from a professional couples therapist, they may be able to quickly move out of this state and decide what they want for their future.”
“I recommend couples like this seek help and get a professional perspective before they rush into divorce,” the expert added. “Sometimes, the process of therapy can help to slow things down and remove the emergency, so it is possible to reflect and make an informed choice.”
We were also lucky enough to get in touch with Relationship Coach Jane Parker to hear her thoughts on this situation. In this case, Jane says it seems like divorce was a quick decision. “Many couples try for many years to make their marriage work before even considering divorce,” she noted.
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“Unless the individuals consult a professional therapist and engage in the work of self reflection and self awareness, they are highly likely to repeat the same patterns of behavior in a new relationship”
“When there are life changes (such as menopause, kids, change of job, etc.) it takes time to recalibrate the relationship,” Jane explained. “It requires many conversations to help create understanding and to reassess what is necessary and needed by both parties with the new circumstances.”
And when it comes to moving on from divorce, Peter says it is almost never a good decision to leap from one relationship into another. “We learn attachment strategies very early on in life and we bring those dynamics to our adult relationships,” he noted.
“There is a good chance that these dynamics contributed to the first break-up and unless the individuals consult a professional therapist and engage in the work of self reflection and self awareness, they are highly likely to repeat the same patterns of behavior in a new relationship,” Peter explained. “At first, it may seem like the new partner is very different and that nothing is the same, but over time, they often come to realize ‘Oh no, I’ve done it again.’”
Jane also says it is wise to give yourself time to grieve the old relationship before entering a new one. “Especially when there are children involved, they need time to adjust as well and to know their parents are available for emotional support when they need it,” she shared.
When it comes to parents divorcing, Peter recommends approaching it in a collaborative way that ensures the best interests of their children are front and center. “In this case, the divorce is almost concluded, so it’s best that the couple learn to let go of their past relationship with dignity,” he noted. “That might mean mourning the relationship that has ended and appreciating the qualities and values they once shared.”
“It might also involve exploring the hurt and sadness of the partner who feels abandoned and expressing some empathy and understanding,” the therapist added. “If possible, I would advise them to learn to make a transition from the romantic sexual relationship they experienced together to one of friendship and mutual support.”
“I would also strongly advise both partners to seek individual help to gain insight into the patterns of behavior that led to the end of their relationship and how each of them contributed to this,” Peter says. “If they commit to doing the work of self awareness and learn new relationship skills, it will help them avoid repeating those patterns and enable them to create a clear direction for change.”
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“Women need more help and support through menopause, and it can bring couples closer together when the woman feels loved and accepted”
Jane is also optimistic that the parents may be able to be on good terms in the future, as long as they are both invested in having a harmonious relationship. “It can be difficult, but with the right guidance and attitudes, it can be done and it makes life easier for everyone involved,” she told Bored Panda.
“If I knew this couple, I would advise them both to take time and space to work on themselves and get help with the difficult conversations for the sake of the children,” she shared. “If both parties treat the other with respect and consideration, and are willing to have the difficult conversations, then progress can be made.”
Jane also pointed out that menopause can be an extremely difficult time for couples. “It is a time when most couples realize a change in their relationship. Both wives and husbands have a responsibility to work on the relationship throughout menopause, it is not just a women’s issue,” she shared.
“There is plenty that a husband/partner can do to support and help their wife through this time. Relationships that break down during this time could often have been saved if the couple came together and navigated the changes as a team,” Jane noted.
“Women need more help and support through menopause, and it can bring couples closer together when the woman feels loved and accepted, even when she isn’t feeling/being her best. Of course, women need to take responsibility for their own health and behavior also,” the expert added.
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Some readers took the father’s side, noting that it was his ex-wife’s decision to divorce in the first place
However, others shared concerns about how quickly the man moved on from his marriage
