Trust, respect, honesty, support, and proper communication—these things form the bedrock of truly healthy and happy relationships. However, if the communication between a person and their partner breaks down, the entire relationship can unravel with surprising speed.
One anonymous woman opened up to the r/TrueOffMyChest online community about an extremely sensitive bit of drama in her family. She shared how her husband left her when she was 8 months pregnant after some false allegations about her came to light. Not only that, but he also missed the birth of their child. In response, she served him divorce papers.
Read on for the full story. Bored Panda has reached out to the author via Reddit, and we’ll update the article as soon as we hear back from her.
Honest communication is essential between partners. The relationship can quickly fall apart if one person is unwilling to listen to the other
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A woman opened up online about how a huge misunderstanding with her husband drove them apart
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It’s usually best to discuss serious topics after you’ve calmed down and processed some of your feelings
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Healthline notes that some examples of poor communication include passive-aggressive behavior (instead of tackling the issues head-on), such as making jokes at your partner’s expense, punishing them by giving them the silent treatment, and judging them for their decisions.
Meanwhile, avoiding conflicts isn’t healthy either. In the long run, all of that resentment and frustration will only build up.
However, just because passive-aggressive behavior is wrong doesn’t mean that aggression is right. Far from it. Aggressive speech patterns, such as raising your voice, blaming or criticizing your partner, or dominating the conversation are not healthy. In fact, it’s toxic.
Learning to communicate better doesn’t happen overnight. It’s a skill. It needs to be honed bit by bit over time. It’s normal to make mistakes at the start. But if all you ever do is make communication mistakes, then it’s a pattern of behavior.
Clinical Psychologist Shelley Sommerfeldt, PsyD, told Healthline that it’s important to process your own feelings before talking to your partner about a topic that’s been bugging you.
“If we go into a conversation feeling very angry, upset or too emotional, then the communication tends to become too heated and difficult to find resolution,” the expert noted.
According to Sommerfeldt, something else that can defuse some of the tension is giving your partner a heads-up that you’d like to talk to them. That way, you won’t ambush them with a sensitive topic. (That being said, some people get extremely anxious when they know there’s a serious conversation to be had. “We need to talk…” is a tough thing to hear.)
Next, you really don’t want to give off the impression that you’re judging your partner (even if you are). How you say something is just as important (if not more so) than what you say.
For example, you probably want to use more “I” statements and talk about how you’re feeling. The less accusatory you sound, the more two-sided the conversation will be. The argument isn’t something you should aim to “win.” Rather than you getting your way, success here would be getting you and your partner on the same page again.
“Remember that the focus of communication with your partner is coming to an understanding,” the clinical psychologist said, adding that resolving fights requires some level of compromise. “This helps people forgive and move forward. It can also bring on feelings of strength and connection between partners.”
Both partners need to be willing to actively listen to one another and look for some sort of compromise
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One of the more important lessons anyone new to relationships—romantic or otherwise—will learn is that there’s no such thing as mind-reading.
If your needs are unmet, if your partner’s behavior is bothering you, if you need support, if you want to get to the bottom of some insinuations, you need to speak up.
It can be awkward, uncomfortable, and embarrassing to talk about any and all important issues, but there’s no healthier alternative. However, just talking isn’t enough. You and your partner also need to practice active listening.
A good rule of thumb is to genuinely have an open mind about what your partner is saying and try to see things from their perspective. Empathy is ever so important!
However, if all you’re doing is waiting for your turn to speak and trying to browbeat your partner into submission, then there’s clearly a disconnect of sorts. Forbes urges people to pay attention whenever their partner is speaking. You should be listening to understand your partner, not (just) to respond.
Relationships require debating, compromises, and a willingness to admit having been (at least partly) wrong. At the end of the day, all couples are meant to be teams. It helps to remember this, in order to stay grounded, no matter how big and fierce the argument.
In the anonymous post author’s case, her husband was completely unwilling to hear her perspective on what happened with his kid from another relationship. Instead, he made the rash decision to leave her. Not only that, but he also ignored her later requests to inform him that she was about to give birth.
What would you have done if you were in the author’s shoes, Pandas? Do you think she was right to leave her husband after what he did? Or do you think he deserves a second chance? If so, what do you think he could do to rebuild all of the trust that he broke? Share your thoughts in the comments.
Many readers took the author’s side. Here’s what they had to say about the relationship drama
However, some internet users saw things differently. In their view, the husband might deserve a second chance
