When planning a wedding, the couple likely imagines being surrounded by their closest family and friends. However, life has a funny way of sneaking up on us, and sometimes this is simply not possible.
For redditor Old_Explanation6923, something that prevented her from celebrating her best friend’s special day was a concert she had booked way prior to her getting married. Although the bride knew of her plans in advance, she expected her to cancel them. When she refused, she consequently angered the bride, putting their friendship at risk.
Sometimes, celebrating a best friend’s special day is just not possible
Image credits: Mikhail Nilov (not the actual photo)
Just like what happened to this friend, who decided to choose a concert over her best friend’s wedding
Image credits: GE Gifts (not the actual photo)
Image source: Old_Explanation6923
“When a close friend declines an invitation to the wedding, it is easy to feel hurt, rejected, and take it personally”
Image credits: Liza Summer (not the actual photo)
There are plenty of reasons why a person might not make it to the bride and groom’s big day. Perhaps they’ve started a new job and aren’t able to take time off for a destination or workday wedding. Or they might be dealing with personal issues that demand the entirety of their attention.
“When a close friend declines an invitation to the wedding, it is easy to feel hurt, rejected, and take it personally,” says Irene S. Levine, a psychologist and author of “Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Breakup With Your Best Friend.
Whatever the reason, Levine says there’s a way to decline the invitation without souring your friend’s big day or even risking the close friendship. However, she notes that both parties need to be mature about it.
Tracie Domino, founder of Tracie Domino Events, advises that it’s best to start by letting them know as soon as possible. If you’re a close friend, most likely you’re way up there on the guest list, so notifying them as soon as you get the invitation leaves them plenty of time to invite any guests they previously couldn’t. “Be honest with your reason for declining the invite and remind them that you’re still excited about their big day,” she added.
However, etiquette expert Diane Gottsman advises against going into too much detail concerning your need for absence and instead recommends feeling confident that your friend will understand. There’s no need to overly complicate it by expressing your regrets and how bad it makes you feel that you have to miss it. “Quickly let them know you are disappointed not to go, then thank them for their understanding,” she said.
Finding other ways to celebrate the occasion with the couple might help reduce any resentment
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Once the hard part is over, try not to distance yourself from the friend because you’re guilty. “Often people want to disappear because they feel uncomfortable when the exact opposite should happen,” Gottsman said. Being mature about it and checking in with them throughout the wedding process shows your support and enthusiasm for the big day, even though you won’t be there.
Another great idea is to figure out an alternative way to celebrate the occasion with the couple before or after the wedding. They might love to be treated to a nice dinner out or a home-cooked meal. Levine further advises, “If you can, I’d also try to [attend] other wedding-related events you can participate in, like the bridal shower. Offer to help in any way you can if the bride or her family need an extra set of hands.”
Considering sending a gift might also be an additional way to extend that olive branch to your friend. Gottsman says, “Locate the gift registry and make sure your gift is sent in a timely fashion. This will show you are excited for the couple and want to extend your goodwill.”
If the bride or groom gets upset, despite your attempts at peace-making, try to remember that wedding planning is really stressful and can affect even the calmest of people. On the bright side, this stage doesn’t last forever, and likely the frustrations will pass. “Give your pal time to get used to the idea that you’ve declined the invitation, even if that doesn’t happen until after the event takes place,” Levine concludes.
The author received undivided support from readers
