Many people agree that making genuine friendships in adulthood can be challenging. And if you do make these new connections, some unsavory behaviors may fly under your radar because they aren’t as obvious.
Fortunately, the Reddit community can help us spot warning signs before they cause damage. A user posted this question a while back, and it remains relevant: “What is a non-obvious red flag in a friendship?”
People shared stories about subtle put-downs, various forms of gaslighting, and blame-shifting, to name a few. If you’re experiencing any of these from supposed friends, perhaps it’s a sign to rethink the relationship and whether or not it adds value to your life.
#1
You get nervous and have to be really careful what you say because anything can set them off.
Image credits: Vharlkie
#2
The biggest indication is you go "ugh" when you see their name on your phone. Think about why you have that reaction.
Image credits: Noggin-a-Floggin
#3
Always one-upping. This doesn’t refer to sharing their own story in response to yours, that’s pretty normal. It’s more about how you can never have the focus remain on you, it always becomes about them.
Image credits: MiseryMiss
#4
Shifting the blame onto someone else each time it’s actually their fault.
Image credits: anon
#5
Treating you differently when you’re around other people- acting embarrassed, disgusted, condescendingly, reserved. It happened to me personally and it took a while for me to understand it fully, but babes don’t stick your necks out for someone who wouldn’t even lift a pinky for you.
Image credits: venus-pluto
#6
They don't actually bother to message you, if you message first they'll engage for a bit, but not actually message you first.
#7
Feeling like they're trying to micromanage you. I had a former friend who, among other things, would constantly be monitoring everything I said/posted on social media.
I already have to deal with a lack of privacy at home. If I can choose not to associate with someone who doesn't respect boundaries, then I won't.
Image credits: yeetgodmcnechass
#8
They only talk about themselves.. that's literally the only noise coming from their face hole.
Image credits: astakask
#9
I guess this might be a little obvious, but if they do something wrong and end up giving you the cold shoulder because you get mad at them for it, and you end up being the one to mend the bridge even though they were the one who did something wrong... yeah that's a bad sign.
#10
Unquestionable support. Some people I know have a very loyal group of friends and it drives me insane and I really want to keep my distance from that bunch. Because I know what happens if any of their friends once criticizes them - they are able to cut off friendship altogether at once because of that.
Most of my friends tell each other harsh criticism and insult each other all the time and I think we have much more trust in each other because of that.
Image credits: Maikelnait431
#11
Being interrupted mid sentence constantly. We all interrupt sometimes, but when it’s frequent and one is unable to finish even a story, opinion, or train of thought then it’s pretty obvious that friend is not interested in you, not really.
Image credits: Vivisurvivor
#12
When it feels as though you do all the giving and they do all the taking.
Image credits: Back2Bach
#13
It’s not always what they do. It’s often times how you react to what they do. When you start overlooking red flags because you really like someone it’s important to recognize it and allow yourself to make a rational decision. So many non obvious red flags happen because we don’t want to see them. We are happy and don’t want to believe them. But it’s better to be rational early then realize your stuck later on.
#14
You always come put of an argument feeling exausted and nothing was really solved
This CAN be obvious, but it's also easy to write off as the conversation not working out. Getting to the root of the problem is important, the people who fight against that are generally going to be pretty toxic, whether they mean to be or not.
Image credits: -SlinxTheFox-
#15
Expecting me to 100% back them even if they're clearly in the wrong.
Image credits: Hose_beaterz
#16
They love everything you love. This is one that feels good because it happens in the beginning of the friendships that turn out to be super f****d up. If it’s movies or music you have in common that’s one thing, but if it’s EVERY movie and ALL music you like and the exact same restaurant that you like THEY like as much as you do and OMG you like salting your food??? ME TOOOO!! Then that’s when you take a giant step back.
It’s actually fairly easy to create space between yourself with these folx. Just tell them you don’t like something they’ve already said they like. Or..say no to them when they ask you for a favor. If they take it super personally then that’s a sign they are immature and can’t handle a real friendship.
Image credits: slpness
#17
Plans always have to be whatever they want, and they get sulky if you want to do something you enjoy.
Image credits: Ahstia
#18
‘I seem to attract people who are s****y friends.’
Said to me by someone who boundary stomped, gossiped, talked about herself incessantly, Facebook stalked my other friends, got jealous when I spoke to people who weren’t her and tried to insert herself
Into every part of my life during the 18 months we knew each other.
#19
How they act around girls. They could Talk you up, or talk you down a bit in front of them for a laugh
Can be in good fun, depending, but there’s a hard to see line there some friends cross.
#20
I cannot really point out a red flag in a few words, because the red flag is often set within a specific situation. In my case, I had a friend who was trans, he was actually a she and I had no issue with that at all. She would message me daily to talk to me, she had a few mental illnesses as well - which again, I do not judge against whatsoever - and I tried to help her see certain situations from different perspectives, so I saved her from a few fights with her mum and other people. She would talk to me day in day out, even when my own mental health began to deteriorate and when she wanted to talk to me, sometimes I would let her know I was too tired or didn't want to right now.
In the end she exploded at me after I had worded an issue I had with her rather poorly, saying how I had been nasty to her and was trying to manipulate her. She blocked me everywhere after that.
I guess in short, when a friend is only friends with you for what they can gain from you and won't respect your boundaries, that's a red flag, but it's not always clear to see. These people can make you feel like you're the bad guy instead and subtly push boundaries by making you feel like you should be better to them instead of vice versa. A true friend should be someone around whom you can be 100% yourself, with all your quirks and flaws included, who respects you if you need to take a step back.
#21
When they're obsessively competitive. Such as when you share a bad experience, they go and say "That's it?" then say that their experiences are worse. Like, come on man lemme b***h about my cheating father who chose to stay with his woman instead of making me feel like s**t then rant about your grandmother taking your laptop away because you failed Science.
Image credits: Hi_ImJustARandomGuy
#22
When they can't keep plans consistent. If they're consistently last-minute dropping/changing plans, then it's a sign that you're their second-best option. You're their backup if nothing else is better.
Image credits: Ahstia
#23
When they seem to have lots of issues with people they were friends with in the past.
#24
If you always feel like s**t around them.
Image credits: davidtheartist
#25
They have another group of friends you’re never invited to hang out with even though you invite them to hang out with your other friend groups.
#26
They don't tell you things and you dismiss it as they're a private person or whatever and then you find out later that they've known something for ages that if they'd cared to share it you could have avoided some fairly painful stuff.
#27
They keep pressuring you to take out life insurance.
#28
When someone is more respectful towards strangers and other people than the people they are with.
#29
When they only make an effort when they’re single, and bring their partner to every meeting up when they’re taken.
Image credits: derangedjupiter
#30
When you make positive life changes and they say things like “you didn’t used to be like that”
this is what a now ex friend said to me after I told her I had stopped drinking. I realized how much better I felt physically and mentally and loved that I was saving so much money. later in the convo she said we should go get bottomless mimosas...not to mention this friend was on the receiving end of some of my outbursts and said that her last birthday “was a disaster” when the only disastrous thing that happened was me storming out because I had reached my alcohol and social limit and was going to head out, and she tried to make me stay because everyone was Sharing Uber’s home within the hour. It was already past midnight.
Image credits: anon
#31
I had a friend I met while we were both around 15 weeks pregnant. She gave birth 2 weeks after me. At first our friendship was great. We texted all the time (Covid times), and because we were new moms, and up at all hours of the night, sometimes until 2 or 3 in the morning. It was amazing: we vented about "new mom" problems, spousal troubles, hating "Covid-times", and the good 'ol days. But then it became more and more 1-sided. She started complaining every day about her marriage. (Her husband was a decade younger than her, and freshly 20 years old being married with a new baby, was still not acting the part). It was relentless. He would do these childish things like: 1. Spend their stimulus check on a motorcycle he didn't know how to ride or have a license for, without telling her 2. Come home from work and (if you're a mom you'll understand) complain about how she has it easy taking care of an infant, or that she spends all day on the couch 3. Play video games when he wasn't working, even with his baby in his lap 4. When the baby would cry and she was in the shower, he would bring the baby into the bathroom to ask her to get out of the shower to take care of it.
This guy was a s**t bag. She told me so many times how she wanted to move back home to get some help from her mom and sister (who live 8 hours away). I told her to do so, she was really struggling mentally. She did for a week or two, and had to come back early because her husband said he was going to k*ll himself. Every day she texted me long paragraphs, one after the other, saying she felt trapped with a child-husband, and an infant. I was on the brink, me having a stable, absolute saint of a husband who is the best dad and partner, and having to listen and give advice that wasn't being listened to.
The moment when it because too much: she told me she was pregnant again. It was a month after she told me (so she's 3 months pregnant with a 9 month old).
I talked it over with my husband and he told me I was in a 1-sided friendship. I was doing so much for her at this point; taking her to appointments, buying her food, and ultimately, giving asked-for advice she wasn't listening too. It was enough. I removed her from all social media, and told her that I couldn't do it anymore. It's been a couple months. I hope she's doing better, because I'm certainly doing better without all the negativity in my life.
#32
Any time they message you, you don’t have any happy emotions.
#33
They’re always down to hang out, but it’s always you initiating the hangouts.
#34
They borrow money and not pay you back.
#35
You make excuses for everything they do and say to you. They didn’t really mean it, they’re going through a hard time, they’re just tired, depressed, manic, anxious, dysphoric, etc.
Obviously these things can be valid. But when it’s all the time, that’s not good.
#36
Turns into a cheesy macho man infront of girls. Puts you down infront of people.
#37
People who only come around only when they need something. I like the call them “friends of convenience”. Like for example if the car broke down, I’d hear from them. Pipes bursted and water is all over the floor? Ring ring. I kinda took note of those kind of people and just ignored them after a time.
#38
Based on my cousin's "friend" (Using that term very loosely)
-Criticizing constantly while expecting praise and support in return
-Passive aggressiveness
-Making fun of what you do, eat, say, etc.
-Overly maternal/controlling behavior.
#39
Early on, if the person is late in showing up or responding, they will always be late.
#40
When you're the only one who offers to pay for meals/tickets/bits and pieces here and there. I have one friend that won't ever even pay her own share, even when I flat-out ask her to.
Needless to say, I'm usually the one putting more effort into our friendship. Which is really saying something when I'm not even trying at this point.
#41
When you go out together and they spend the entire time talking to others and discluding you. Rarely (if ever) showing an interest in what you find interesting.
#42
If you are uncertain of how an interaction of you guys are going to go. If you get an erratic or wild card sense from them, that’s a problem. Each time I go to hang out with friends, I look forward to doing it and I have a gist of what will go down. If you can’t say the same about someone else whether they are moody, asking for stuff, or just not looking forward to it, etc...you may want to reconsider where you stand with them.
#43
Lying.
#44
When they tell you that you were a buzz kill, even though, at the time, YOU thought that you were having fun.
#45
How they treat other people in your life. Do they respect your other friends, relationships, or people you know? Old best friend would get super jealous. Pick fights, send horrible messages, and spread rumors about other friends and current boyfriend. Super toxic!
#46
An odd curious sense that they'd sell you out if it got them what they wanted.
#47
Frequent use of the phrase “you should...”. I had a friend who did this, and it was usually said kindly, but there was a lightbulb moment when I realized how judgmental they were, and then all of the you shoulds started to add up.
#48
When they expect you to do your job for them for free (free haircut, car service, tutoring, etc.).
#49
When you make plans with someone or you call a friend or you randomly bump into them and they never act like they are geniunely happy to see you or even talk to you.
Like give me a smile, some good news, or just a what's up guy.. - anything.
I didn't sign up to be the the right butt cheek to your s**t and misery....
#50
Gossiping about others to you. If they do this, there's a 99% chance that they'll gossip about you behind your back.
#51
The friend who stays away from you and makes stupid excuses that seem true like “my phones screen broke so I’m using a different number” even though you can load a SIM card into a different phone.
#52
Who calls who first. If it's always you, it's a problem.
#53
1) Trying to get you to fight all their battles for them, or take their side even if they've done something wrong.
2) Trying to get in on everything you do, or "must know everything you're doing".
3) Grill you about all your friends (in case you might be cheating)
4) Trying to force their beliefs onto you in subtle ways.
5) Try to "get out of jobs" and silently manipulate you into doing all the chores. e.g. will swear blindly she washed the dishes last time and that it's your turn this time, even though you absolutely washed them last time.
#54
They put other people down and don't put you down making you feel like you're special.
#55
Asking for advice then telling you what they've decided in the same convo... they've already made up their minds, why not just start with that instead of going through the hoops of a discussion?
Image credits: fweshcatz
#56
If they get irrationally, unproportionally pissed off at something, not necessarily you.
#57
When you talk about people you like/care about and your partner tell you they don't like them. This is the first step in isolating your partner from friends and family.
#58
Friends that ghost you for no reason.
#59
Self Medication via alcohol due to our expensive healthcare system, only for it to turn into alcoholism and then liver issues later on.
#60
People who worry about pens.
